How do people manage with multiple children?

[Hungrychocolate]

I feel I am very stressed over this weekend. I have a 4 months old baby and a 3 year old DS. The toddler goes to preschool 5 days a week using the funded 30 hours and I am on maternity leave.

H works from home all the days and I am doing looking after for DC after preschool and holidays. His preschool is term time only. I feel constantly stressed over the weekends when everyone is home. Toddler doesn't seems to listen to what we ask of him, things like wear your trousers, wear your socks, eat your food. It's hit and miss. H starts yelling as he gets annoyed why DS is not listening. Then DS starts to cry and it's a constant loop I am stuck in. Toddler has also been going through some viral infections and baby has got cold as well, not sleeping well recently. I am tired and exhausted of this constant loop of toddler not listening and following, H yelling and toddler crying. It's a nightmare.
On top of this there are so many household chores which H does picks things like laundry and loading dishwasher etc. Baby is breastfed so she's mostly with me, there's no me-time for now until I go back to work. I dread to think about how will I cope with all this when I go back to work. Is there anything anyone can suggest which I can do to improve our lives.

I think DH working at home must make things very difficult, he wants them to be quiet, but quiet is not what you get with babies and young children in the house. Could he work in the office?

Rain doesn't stop child needing excise and burn energy. Buy a good rain coat and wellies. Let the child run around and give permission for the child to jump in one puddle of your choosing on the way home. I normally pick the puddle on our way out to the park. Dc got excited and behaved better, as there was good big exciting puddle waiting for him on his way home. Dc were also allowed to jump on smaller puddles but they needed to check with me.

There will be more washing up required, but it will cause the child to get physically tired and more likely to nap without issue. In my house that was a huge win.

That’s three year olds for you. They are learning their own autonomy. Try making the request a game and give them options (do you want to hop upstairs like a bunny or slither like a snake), tell him you’re a robot dresser and malfunction and put trousers on his arms by mistake. The laughter will help him comply.

No one feels in the mood to go through a rigmarole when they are busy and just have to get things done, but the alternative of everyone shouting and crying is no better and expectations have to be lowered.

I'm with NewYou42 !
I did not enjoy the younger years at all . I had five of them . No family help ever .
It was relentless . I could also never understand when people reminded me to 'enjoy them' !! I was merely surviving.
OP it's really tough as the ages yours are at .
I've no advice other than that parenting teens is bliss !!!

I really want to enjoy their childhood and I have lower expectations at this point in life but H's reactions makes it so stressful. That's the main thing causing stress. He is not ready to accept or learn anything about parenting. He wants to parent the same shitty way his mum does whose a nightmare.

Wellies and rain gear. A hat and a woolen sweater.
No bad weather excuses. Only wrong clothes.
We really enjoyed aannual passes to local zoo with great playgrounds and activities.
Otherwise check out indoor playgrounds, libraries etc.
The weather are really just bad excuses for doing nothing.

Perhaps he needs it spelling out to him, that if you split, he will be expected to look after two children regularly on his OWN instead.

Fucking weasel. He should parent up. It's hugely unattractive.

He's picking up on your husbands shitty attitude and that's why he's getting upset/stressed out.

None of this excuses the way you two are behaving towards your 3 year old. Why are you letting your husband behave like that to him?!

I had this chat as well as he struggles parenting only one for few hours so how it would be for him to look after two young kids alone for half of the week. He agreed he needs to calm down and let it go but again he starts all over again.

I had endless conversations and arguments with him so not like I am letting it happen. H talks calmly with him several times now but gets frustrated and then yelling begins.

Does your DH acknowledge his poor behaviour and actually want to commit to changing OP? Because that's the most important first step.

If not, I'm afraid I can't see a way through it as a family unit.

Welcome to toddler life!

It's a nightmare, my friends say it will get better in a couple of years when toddler grown up and starts following instructions.

Does your DH have to wfh?

I've no idea why people keep coming out with this. If fathers are not good at looking after kids when with the mother the chances are they will walk away and have no interest in spending time with kids if they split up.
You cannot force a parent to spend time with their kids

Then he doesn't believe you'll do it.

I think he either needs to engage in some learning if he doesn't have the tools, or simply listen to you and pull his finger out, or if you let it slide, your 3yo could get 'easier' in time. Or obviously, split.

I help him in getting dressed etc but H wants him to learn things and get independent before starting school. But he needs to be patient with such young child. That's the missing bit.

The 3 year might seem like the big kid now there’s a new baby, but he’s still very little himself and waaay too much is being expected of him. Also his whole world has been recently turned upside down due to the baby so of course he’s not behaving impeccably!

Then the natural consequence is not having 50/50 parenting and having to pay shit loads of maintenance

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. It's an awful feeling doing the best for your young children and your partner's there sabotaging what you want for them when he should be working with you towards giving them a better childhood than his.

Ultimately the ball is in his court. It's all very well saying he's sorry but he needs to actually find a way to do things differently. If I were you I'd be deciding to myself how long I'd give it before enough's enough.

I think he needs some clear boundaries - he needs to make the choice to learn better parenting methods and put them into action otherwise he will be responsible for breaking up his family.

Many would rather cough up some money ( after all a small percentage of earnings is likely less than they pay to support a household) than have to do 50/50 care

Clearly the issue is your DH and not your children. How open to finding new parenting approaches is he? Are there any podcasts you could point him to? There is a good book by Philippa Perry called the book you wish your parents had read and also another one called No Bad Kids, I think that is Janet Lansbury.

Agreed.

Ah, you are doing the hard yards and your three year old's little life has had a bomb into it with the arrival of a baby.

The terrible twos are nothing compared to the frightful frees. However, your DH sounds like the biggest baby of the lot. Could he work from the office?

He doesn't want to split and he was great parent until the toddler was baby, he did most of nappy changing and bottle feeding and he adores the baby but he seems to be really struggling with the toddlerhood.