Hen do dilemma

[HEIHEI23]

Completely prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable here 😂
Been invited to cousin's hen do in summer. £200 for one night in spa plus cost of dinner.
For context, she was my bridesmaid but I've not been asked to be hers and she's also not having our baby (her nephew) as anything despite having other children involved. She came to my hen do. this was the same price but for three nights and included all food/drink, afternoon tea, cocktail making and kayaking. This was also a year in advance rather than 4 months.
I'm reluctant to pay for the following reasons:

1. I'm on maternity and we've just had to buy a new car due to the old one breaking so money is tight.
2. all of the people I would normally leave the baby with are going on the hen do so he would have to stay with a grandad. They're both capable but never had him on their own before.
3. I feel it's a lot of money just for one night!
4. if I'm honest, I'm hurt that she's not asked me to be part of her wedding although I'm aware I'm probably being petty.

So am I being unreasonable and should just suck it up? I love my cousin to pieces and do feel like I'm probably just reluctant as I'm hurt but also practically it's not great. I would love a spa trip though 😂

Why can’t the baby stay with its dad? She’s doing nothing wrong by having you and your family as just guests, it doesn’t matter what you did. But you can’t afford it and you don’t like her so don’t go.

Also £200 in a spa hotel isn’t a crazy amount of money, but obviously if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t spend it

How is your baby your cousins nephew?

If you can't justify going because money is tight, yanbu.
If you don't want to go because not being part of the wedding party, that is petty and yabu.

Your baby is not her nephew

if you don’t want to go don’t go but let her know now so other arrangements can be made.

I think she is doing what she wants for her hen, just as you did what you wanted for yours so I don't think you can say much about that, especially it's around the same price, albeit for a shorter length of time. Can the baby's Dad not look after him. I'm confused how your child can be the nephew if it's your cousin that's getting married?

Is the baby's dad going to the hen do? Or is stag same night and going to that?

If you can’t afford it/ don’t want to then you need to own that and decline. Refusing out of bitterness that you aren’t a bridesmaid or your literally baby isn’t a Paige boy is a bit pathetic.

Go if you want to go, don't go if you don't want to.

It's the same cost regardless of duration, you'd have to find £200 either way. Only you know how feasible that is for you.

It's months away, if you do want to leave the baby with the grandad in the meantime.

Maybe she has other friends/sisters/cousins that she feels closer to. It's allowed!

I'm glad you've all been honest! I thought I was being a crank but just needed to be told 😂😂😂 I will go and get selling on vinted to fund it. Thanks for showing me not to be a grouch ahah. A spa day will be lovely after having a baby!

I consider my cousins' DC as nephews and nieces.

Strictly speaking they are cousins once removed (a generation removed), but in my family we get called auntie and uncle.

@EnjoyingTheSilence @Hoppinggreen @Purpleturtle46 It's very common to refer to your first cousin's children as niece or nephew. Just like you would siblings.

Who goes around saying my first cousin once removed when referring to their cousin's child?

@HEIHEI23 £250 for a hen do is ridiculous. Spa night is something only bridal party would normally do, maybe add bride & groom's mothers. Your baby is very young if you're on maternity and it's perfectly normal to not want to leave him overnight.

I’ve never ever heard anyone call their cousins kids nieces/nephews it’s not common at all, which is proven by how many people on this thread are confused by it! Is it a regional thing? Where do you live?

Maybe you’ve not been on a spa night for a while but £250 is very usual these days for anywhere half decent.

Nice to see you taking the feedback on board 😁

Can’t your baby stay with his dad? Why do the grandparents need to be involved?

It's not sometimes I have ever heard of but each to their own. I think it's different using the name as it is to using it in an arguement regarding the closeness to the bride in relation to whether the child should be invited to the wedding or not.

Also that's not a lot of money for one night in a spa hotel, especially if it's an upmarket place or includes a treatment. But obviously if you can't afford it you can't afford it but the OP asked her hens to pay the same for hers which presumably was a little while ago and prices have risen dramatically over the last year or two. Some people would prefer one night in a fancy place as opposed to 3 nights in a less fancy place but it's up to every bride to decide what her priorities are. Maybe bride is also being mindful what people won't want to leave their kids form longer than a night.

It’s £200 and pretty common. I say ‘my cousins baby’ although I can’t see an issue with the nephew thing.

You’re obviously close to your cousin if she was your bridesmaid so I think you’d probably regret it if you didn’t go, especially if it is an activity you would enjoy and it’s not expensive for what it is. Vinted selling is a fab idea, but don’t do anything daft like getting into debt for it. If you have to decline for financial reasons then that’s a shame but fine. I reckon you’ll kick yourself later though if you could have got the money together but declined for a silly, petty reason.

Don’t be sad you’re not a bridesmaid. Maybe she thinks you’ll have your hands full with baby and doesn’t want to pressure you. And some people have cousins, others don’t, probably depends how many sisters, future SILs and friends they have to accommodate and buy dresses for first- lots of bridesmaids is really expensive! And definitely don’t be annoyed about your baby not being in the wedding party, they’re a baby of course they can’t perform a role in the way an older child can and there’s a decent chance they’ll need to be removed during the ceremony for making noise because babies be babies! All of that is a bit bonkers really.

Also, you’re married by the sounds of it so why can’t DH look after his baby and why would it need to be a grandad? Even if he has unusual work hours surely with 4 months notice he could get time off? But even if it is a no-go for any reason, you say Grandad is competent and up for the challenge so it sounds fine?!

I'm sure a lot of people only get married these days because they enjoy the power trip of creating the maximum amount of upset and worry for their friends and family members while conning them into spending ridiculous amounts of money

Oh give over

If you're on mat leave then you have a young baby so what would they realistically 'do' at a wedding? They can't walk or talk so what possible position would your baby have in a wedding party?

it sounds like you would actually enjoy it but you're looking for reasons to be upset

How the hell was your hen £200 for 3 nights with all food, cocktail making and kayaking?
Did you get married in 1995?

I’ve never ever heard anyone call their cousins kids nieces/nephews it’s not common at all

I think it is to do with age difference. If the cousin's DC are much younger then it is common in my world to call them nephews and nieces on both sides of the family (in Germany, South London and Northumberland for those who asked if it was area specific).

I have cousins who are much older than me, and their DC are close to me in age so I just refer to them as cousins.

Well honestly the number of angst ridden threads on MN about the problems created by hen dos, stag dos, whose invited/ not invited to the wedding and which part of the wedding, what dress is or isn't appropriate etc etc ad nauseum.

It's supposed to be a ceremony for exchanging vows and committing your future lives together. But who cares about that really?

Perhaps the father of the baby is the cousin's sibling......

I call my best friends dog my dogs cousin as a joke.
In many cultures older people are Auntie or Uncle but that does not make a cousins child your niece or nephew, but of course you can call them whatever you want.
Anyway, not reallly the point. You don't have to go if you don't want to OP