Finances/do we have another child?

[MixedFeelings72]

Firstly I am aware we are in a more privileged position that a lot of people so apologies in advance if this comes across as not reading the rooms, but a blasé conversation with DH about booking a holiday suddenly has me spiralling about our financial situation, and I needed to write it down. Will try and give as much information as I can without being too outing. Mum of 1yo DD, recently returned to work after maternity leave, gone back part time at 4 days a week. DD in nursery 3 days a week, looked after by paternal grandparents one day a week. DH working full time, earns less than I do l, no issues (or so I thought), we contribute equally to joint account to cover mortgage and bills, since I’m back at work and earning more I’m paying for DD nursery and most of DD costs (clothes, nappies, toiletries, etc). Mortgage went up with interest rate rises by £800 a month end of last year. Managed to get through maternity leave and pay my share of mortgage and bills/DD costs with my savings and a couple of months at full pay per my company policy, plus statutory maternity pay. Having a blasé conversation with DH this evening about using a companion voucher with BA to book airlines flights for May before voucher expires, and DH says can we afford it? On my salary, yes in theory, but each month his outgoings are less than earnings so he’s slowly chipped away at his current account balance each month. As I said I’m also covering DD most of DDs costs, and so I don’t want to pay for the whole holiday. So I say ok, we can’t afford it right now, we won’t book the holiday, not the issue. But this got me thinking. We were planning to have a second baby this year (if it happens for us, had a chemical last month, possibly a blessing in disguise). I’ll be back at work for at least 10 months before second baby born in theory, so hopefully will have built up enough savings to be able to contribute my share to mortgage and bills along with my maternity pay same as first time round, and nursery costs using savings. But I said to DH, can we actually afford to have another baby right now? Fine, second time round so we won’t have a lot of the initially larger expenses. We haven’t made a decision yet about private schooling, I went to private school but DH didn’t, and I feel some sort of responsibility to give DD the same opportunities in life that I had, so we have put DD in a nursery known in the area for having great success rates for private schooling entrance - at least this gives us the option when the time comes. Obviously it is a few years away, and ideally we both progress in our careers and earnings capacity goes up, and we can afford it. But even then, based on current situation, we couldn’t afford 2 lots of private school fees. DH response to my question can we afford to have another baby was we’ll just sell the house and downsize. Not unreasonable in theory, but we chose the area for schooling and transport links, and there is a price premium attached as a result. And while I may be being unreasonable, it doesn’t sit right with me at this point in life to be taking a ‘step backwards’ and downsizing when actually if we were to have another baby, we probably need to upsize at some point in the future. Am feeling slightly frustrated at DH’s apparent solution being to downsize rather than finding a job that pays more (I know it’s possibly easier said than done), and resentful that this isn’t how I pictured my life - I didn’t think I would be sat here questioning if we could afford a second child (even if we didn’t send them both to private school), and DH talking about needing to downsize to be able to do so. I realise I had a very privileged upbringing, went to private school, got a good job after university and was able to save a good deposit to buy our house (we put in equal amounts towards our deposit). And I also know that the current economic situation means tightening purse strings so we may have to forego luxuries like holidays for a bit. But what was a blasé conversation about booking a holiday turned into can we afford to have another child, and do we need to downsize our house. Am I being unreasonable to have a conversation with DH about retraining to get a better paid job, or taking on a side hustle to supplement income? I don’t want to put undue pressure on him or make him feel like he can’t provide for our family, but I am feeling resentful at where the conversation went, and having to make compromises to be able to have a second child which has always been in our life plan.

You can't just consider financial aspects in life - what about your (both of you) well-being? Your DH has only recently lost a job and taken on a lower paying one - presumably that's the best he can do for now. He also seems to be more relaxed about things than you so may well not take kindly to pressure to earn more. You should "cut your cloth according to your means" or whatever the saying is.

Your children don't need to go to private school. You don't need to rush into having another baby - you probably have a few years of fertility left. You sound like you are desperate to make everything work out as planned as soon as possible, but it doesn't always happen that way.

Plus your husband is right in my view - your house is your insurance policy. If push comes to shove, you could buy something cheaper, not necessarily smaller, but in a cheaper area.

Yanbu op. DH and I earn around £165k and have one child. Private schooling is important to us and on par with nursery fees that we currently pay. As it stands with our critical outgoings, we cannot afford another child. Of course we could downsize, move to a cheaper area, pay less pension contributions, not go to private schooling etc but these things are all important to us and we believe, important for the long term security of our family. I grew up with siblings so my child’s life will be very different from mine but I can’t offer the life I want to give my child to two children. Overall I am happy with one child but I sometimes watch him play and think he would make an excellent elder sibling and feel a bit sad he will never fulfil that role.

Does he want to retrain? You'd probably also have to accept another drop in income while he did retrain and then get more of an entry level role.....

I think the crux of this is you have to agree what your priorities are within the means that you have. Things have changed over the last 20 plus years so giving your DCs the 'same opportunities' as you might not be the direct comparison of going private. It could be lots of extra curricular activities, tutors, travel, living somewhere with good state options.

We are in a similar position financially and locationally and tbh it's not even on our radar to go private. DC2 starts school this September and looking forward to have a bit more income to spend how we please (or save for the DCs future)

So, I'm not going to comment much on your original post. Only on part of it.

I went to private school, husband to state.

At the moment, average day school fees are around £17500 annually.

If between the age of 4-18, you put that money in e.g. an ISA or junior ISA, you would (at a guess) have £343000 in today's money age 18 (assuming real terms growth of 5%). If you left that untouched for 10 years, your child might have £558,000 mortgage deposit in today's money age 28. They then wouldn't be paying interest on that money through the whole of their mortgage i.e. they would save £371000 in interest costs over 25 years at 4.5%.

I'd rather put the money I would have spent on private school in an ISA as I don't think the total additional earnings private schooling would support would exceed the figures above. It also gives flexibility where you can vary amounts invested e.g during redundancy/sickness rather than needing to withdraw a child from school. Financially, sending a child to a good state school and investing for them can make more sense for their future wealth.

It's insane to consider asking your DH to get a second/better paying job when he's already on presumably 50k+ (very conservative estimate based on what you've said), which is a good wage and comes with a professional job.

I wouldn't downsize your house either as you will want as much space as possible when you have a second child.

It's not sustainable for your DH to be barely breaking even though, do you have enough left to put some more into the pot so he doesn't get left that way?

I understand you've worked out it's the same proportionally, but I assume you're left with quite a bit more than him each month?

I know this thread has been quiet a while but I’ve come in search of people with the the same questions I have and found this. I have one DD and private school is a big goal for me as I got to experience it and think it was fantastic opportunity (plus local high schools not amazing) but I do also feel sad sometimes that I won’t have another baby or bigger family. OP I wondered if you’d made any decisions? It feels a shame I’m making these decisions based on finances.

What is he doing with his money? He’s covering half the bills and mortgage, paying nothing towards childcare, and he has nothing left? How much is your mortgage?

How big is your current house and what would downsizing be? It sounds like you can definitely afford another child, private schools etc aren't everything. Also I think a 4 to 5 age gap is perfect, they are less likely to compete with each other.

People write private school fees but they are so variable, the private school near us is 11k PA, a friend works there. DH old school which I have just had a quick look at charges 31k PA.

So really all you need to do is take out the emotion and do the hard figures, you will also not know if the investment has been worth it till you look at end product. That could be what University they end up going to, if they even go and for some and more importantly what career they end up with. I used to work with end product as they used to bowl up to the University I worked at all shiny faced and eager with their clutch of A grades at A level. The hardest workers were almost always the ones who had not had life handed to them. My friends kids and my DS are all mostly early to late twenties now and a mix of schooling. The most successful ones academically if I’m honest have the most intelligent parents and where they attended school is irrelevant.

When it comes to careers and it is early days there is one head and shoulders above everyone and I mean most humans, my friends DS. State educated, absolutely gifted and already on 90k PA at 28. But he has always had fantastic people skills and is the most personable person ever. Even at around 5 you could see he was going to be exceptional. I had confidence DS and DD would do well anywhere. Tragically DD died so never reached her full potential. She was a lovely girl but on the quieter side. DS was always a mover and shaker, the protagonist and very popular you could see he would find life easier than her.

Academic potential can be encouraged and developed but honestly look more to how children interact with others. I have met many people who are academically gifted but it didn’t mean their lives would be a success overall.