AIBU to think my brothers should help with the design of my mum's headstone?

[UrsulaLongshanksTheFlamingo]

Sorry all, this is a long one!

Hi all. My mum passed away last June, and it has been, and still is, excruciating. I cry every day, and sometimes it's wailing rather than crying. But I am doing things for her, and it helps.
eg., I go two or three times a week to her resting place and keep it nice, keep it covered with flowers (I'm the only one quite near to the cemetery so that's why I'm the only one that does this, no other reason). I send photo's of the flowers to people who've said they like to see them, and tell them if I've seen the animals there; they have deer, foxes, badgers and squirrels, and 2 black and white cats that evidently think the whole place is their garden :) sometimes there are little paw prints on mum's plot. It's a beautiful place, as much as such a place could be. Lots of trees, all planted in the 19th C. so big and wide. We've all been a little comforted by this, as mum loved all nature, all animals, greenery..

I love doing this for her. Also, as mum didn't have a will, one of us had to apply for 'letters of administration' so that we could handle her 'estate' - splitting it evenly between my siblings and me. No one wanted to do it so I am. It's a lot of paperwork and stress, tbh and I'm finding all this stuff is starting to get to me. At first, it felt like this was all stuff I was doing for mum, but my DH said recently "Well you're not, you're doing all this work for all the family." and it got me thinking. I need help.
-AIBU to expect to be able to have help, if I've given the impression that I'm ok?

I have 3 brothers; 1 about an hour away, and 2 live abroad (btw hence, I wouldn't have expected them to do paperwork, but the nearer one is a solicitor).

1 of the ones abroad cut off contact with the rest of the family 12 years ago, but we managed to get messages to him about mum, and he sent a flower tribute for the funeral with a loving note on them (no contact since). I wouldn't expect any help from him.

Now that it's approaching a year to her anniversary, I'm starting to think about her memorial (headstone- hate that word though).
AIBU to ask my brothers to give some input and suggestions?

Re headstones:
Here in UK all the firms I've gone to (lots of them have full brochures online) have the same selections- mostly black, shiny granite. They are also huge. My mum was 4 1/2 ft tall and a beautiful, gentle, kind lady whom I don't want to commemorate with an enormous lump of black shiny granite. Also, I've walked round the cemetery and spotted that the way they do the lettering (mostly sandblasting and then painted) doesn't last long.

Anyway. I've asked my brothers for input. When you look at different designs too long, it's like they're all the same, so other eyes would help. But one said he's just sure I'll pick a good one and the other said to think about the money, no other comments. I don't feel confident in being the only one to choose.

I'm wondering if it is too painful for them to think about. One of them is talking about mum a lot, so maybe that's the case, but the other (price conscious) one says "I don't want to go on about it [anything about mum]".

So I thought, ok I'll carry on looking, and found proper stonemasons who will carve and engrave whatever you like, and as my mum loved animals, I thought about a fox, or maybe a mouse running up the side, or a cat sleeping. They can do all these 3D. The price of this is the same or less than the mass produced versions, with no limit on letters, pictures, sculpted flowers, you name it. Beautiful.

So! I messaged my brothers and asked if they'd like a link. I didn't want to just send pictures out of the blue and upset or annoy them. They've said, Why can't I choose from the mass-produced ones? Why does it matter? and "Mum won't mind". I felt so upset.

I was mum's "companion and carer" for the last 14 years of her life and I'm really suffering. I'm not saying they're not btw. We all just have different ways of processing grief, I understand that. But AIBU to think, looks lads, give me some input.

ALSO when I come to distributing the estate, what's the betting the one who cut off contact raises his head to say, Why did you buy THAT one? Why did you spend THAT much?
I don't want that in the future. It would be awful.

SORRY for the long post btw. I guess I'm just hurting, and when I finally reach out I'm still on my own.

Reading back over this, maybe I should just shut up, go do it, and send them the final design to say yes or no to before it's made Is that the right things to do, even though I feel it's harder for me to do?

I think your brothers have already told you what they want though - something simple and cost effective. If you want a design, crack on.

Have you considered bereavement counseling and support? It sounds like you're really struggling.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’d just go ahead and choose the design yourself as your brothers have indicated they don’t mind. I guess as they don’t visit her resting place much, they genuinely have no preference. Your idea sounds lovely.

If your choice is actually cheaper, then no-one has anything to moan about. Your ideas sound lovely and personal, OP. I've always favoured slate over granite, because it warms up in the sun and when you touch it in the summer, it kind of feels more human. (Never thought before about how weird that sounds, sorry if it's a bit much!)
I think you've earned the right to pick the memorial for your mother, and that she'd want you to be the one to choose. Perhaps it's true that she's not around to know either way (depends on your belief) but when she was alive, I'm thinking she probably would have wanted you to pick the one that felt right to you, and she'd have been very pleased and touched that you chose with your heart.
Huge hugs to you. It's so hard. X

YANBU to want your brothers to be involved too. It sounds like you all have different ways of grieving and they aren’t able to support you in the way you need, or don’t recognise that helping with these decisions is giving you emotional support.

You have taken on a lot as an act of love for your mum but it may be your brothers don’t connect these decisions to the person. I am quite literal when someone dies and my grieving is focused on them before death - everything afterwards doesn’t feel connected to them and seems unimportant, even funeral arrangements.

Let them know that their input is what you need to feel emotionally supported.

It sounds like, for you, the grave and looking after it and dealing with the headstone are a key part of your grieving. And that is fine. But your brothers are grieving differently. I agree with others, just go ahead and do what you feel is right. I know my parents grave is more important to me than to other siblings so I'm the one that cares for it.

Agreed

Just because it’s important to you, that doesn’t mean it’s important to them. They’ve told you what they think. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

Everybody processes grief differently and there’s no right or wrong. You’re obvious still very affected. Perhaps your brothers are less so. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to let you make the decision about the memorial, as it seems to be of such importance to you.

My mum died last year, and my brother and I were very pragmatic about the funeral arrangements. We both took the view that she’s gone so there’s no pressure to get it all perfect for her. She knew we loved her in life and that’s enough. I suspect your brothers are the same.

I'm truly sorry for your loss

But the thing is people deal with grief in different ways- visiting your mum's resting place and planning her headstone is comforting you and that's great. Personally I don't care about graves and rarely visit graves of loved ones, I don't really want one myself when I die.
Sounds like your brothers aren't too bothered and are happy for you to make the decision.
It doesn't mean they don't care, they're just going to remember your mum in different ways x

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH last July so can empathise with how you're feeling.

It's lovely that you're trying to create a memorial stone so personal to your mum. One thing I would mention is to check first with the cemetery where your mum is buried for their regulations. I'm a funeral arranger and know some cemeteries can be very strict about the type of headstone//materials/embellishments allowed.

I would just do what you want, take it out of the estate account of course. They obviously don't care really.

You're doing a great job x

For me, I wouldn’t care what was there or want to visit the grave because there is no connection there so I can see why they may not be bothered. And I also don’t care whatever my resting place may be as I will be dead! I don’t really see the point in laying flowers or even in funerals and memorials at all really but I appreciate that other people do. You need to choose what you want as it is you who wants to visit, it’s you who has to look at it every time you go.

I think your right, yes. Thanks. It takes someone on the 'outside' to sum it up.

I've just started 6 sessions of grief counselling. It's run by the hospice. Thanks x

I didn't know that about slate. Sounds lovely. I was looking at slate as an option because they have Cumbrian slate, and her family comes from that area originally. They moved to the London area in the mid 19th C, but I traced them to Cumbria back to the 1640s. She loved history.
Thanks x

Thanks x

You want the grave to be nice and as your mum would like it as you are the one that visits. It doesn't have the same meaning for your brothers who won't visit. They have indicated they don't mind. If the one you choose is no more expensive then they will have no reason to complain about your choice anyway. Go ahead with your choice. I am sure your mum would love what you choose for her.

So sorry for the loss of your lovely mum 💐 I would go ahead and choose what you want OP and get it made. Your brothers aren't wrong for feeling differently to you, we all deal with grief in our own way and it's understandable that you are most affected if you were closest to your mum x

Yeah, it's me who will see it most. I didn't think of that. I mean something lofty and sad is only going to make it worse. She had a huge sense of humour, as well. A big fluffy cat, like the one she had.
Thanks

Thank you x

You sound like a lovely caring daughter. I think you should go with one of the proper stonemasons designs if you think it's something which suits memories of your Mum best and the cost is the same as the more generic one. If your siblings want ot add or change something along the way, then they can.

OP, I assume the cost of the headstone is coming out of your mother’s estate, so actually, it is she who is paying for it - so choose whatever you think she would have liked, and if your brothers dare to say anything, point out it was paid for with your mother’s money, and have what you like, because you will be choosing for her. My own DM went to a stone mason for my DF’s gravestone, and had it carved as she wanted it, because like you, she hated the black granite ones.

Gravestones and visiting the place of burial are really important to some people, and not important at all to other people.

My family has never really done burials - all my dead relatives have been cremated so we’ve never had a gravesite to visit. The idea of visiting a grave doesn’t feature at all in my grieving process, and it’s not something that really makes sense to me to be honest - as far as I’m concerned, as soon as a person dies, their body is no longer them.

It sounds like your brothers are similar. This is important to you, but not to them, and you just have to accept that.

I know everyone grieves in their own way, I even mentioned this in my post.

Sorry for your loss, OP.
Your brothers seem happy for you to make the decisions, so go for it. You know what your mum loved and you know what you'd like to do to remember her. So long as it's nothing crazy or stupidly expensive, your brothers will be relieved you've done the hard work. And if they object later, you can say well - I did ask you for input.
The animal ideas sound just right. RIP, your lovely mum.

I understand this, yes. (I did mention that I think everyone grieves in their own way. It was a long post I wrote though.) tbh once a nice stone is there I don't think I'll leave as many flowers, just a few in a little vase.
At that cemetery it's laid to lawn, so you can't leave lots in front of the headstone as they want to be able to mow the grass.
I think part of why I leave lots there right now is because otherwise it's all bare mud whilst it's settling down. It won't be turfed over till it's all had time to level. So the alternative is just an expanse of mud and as I live quite near, I cover most of it with flowers because she loved them. Also, I guess, because I won't always be allowed to do so. I know they have to have rules, but it's a jolt :(

(edited because of my awful spelling)

I can understand the comfort of having somewhere to go to - your brothers have not got strong opinions, the more personalized option costs about the same, and you can make it really personal to her (I know what you mean about those massive black slabs, I really dislike them). I think you are doing a really lovely thing in honouring her in this way.