AIBU to think my brothers should help with the design of my mum's headstone?

[UrsulaLongshanksTheFlamingo]

Sorry all, this is a long one!

Hi all. My mum passed away last June, and it has been, and still is, excruciating. I cry every day, and sometimes it's wailing rather than crying. But I am doing things for her, and it helps.
eg., I go two or three times a week to her resting place and keep it nice, keep it covered with flowers (I'm the only one quite near to the cemetery so that's why I'm the only one that does this, no other reason). I send photo's of the flowers to people who've said they like to see them, and tell them if I've seen the animals there; they have deer, foxes, badgers and squirrels, and 2 black and white cats that evidently think the whole place is their garden :) sometimes there are little paw prints on mum's plot. It's a beautiful place, as much as such a place could be. Lots of trees, all planted in the 19th C. so big and wide. We've all been a little comforted by this, as mum loved all nature, all animals, greenery..

I love doing this for her. Also, as mum didn't have a will, one of us had to apply for 'letters of administration' so that we could handle her 'estate' - splitting it evenly between my siblings and me. No one wanted to do it so I am. It's a lot of paperwork and stress, tbh and I'm finding all this stuff is starting to get to me. At first, it felt like this was all stuff I was doing for mum, but my DH said recently "Well you're not, you're doing all this work for all the family." and it got me thinking. I need help.
-AIBU to expect to be able to have help, if I've given the impression that I'm ok?

I have 3 brothers; 1 about an hour away, and 2 live abroad (btw hence, I wouldn't have expected them to do paperwork, but the nearer one is a solicitor).

1 of the ones abroad cut off contact with the rest of the family 12 years ago, but we managed to get messages to him about mum, and he sent a flower tribute for the funeral with a loving note on them (no contact since). I wouldn't expect any help from him.

Now that it's approaching a year to her anniversary, I'm starting to think about her memorial (headstone- hate that word though).
AIBU to ask my brothers to give some input and suggestions?

Re headstones:
Here in UK all the firms I've gone to (lots of them have full brochures online) have the same selections- mostly black, shiny granite. They are also huge. My mum was 4 1/2 ft tall and a beautiful, gentle, kind lady whom I don't want to commemorate with an enormous lump of black shiny granite. Also, I've walked round the cemetery and spotted that the way they do the lettering (mostly sandblasting and then painted) doesn't last long.

Anyway. I've asked my brothers for input. When you look at different designs too long, it's like they're all the same, so other eyes would help. But one said he's just sure I'll pick a good one and the other said to think about the money, no other comments. I don't feel confident in being the only one to choose.

I'm wondering if it is too painful for them to think about. One of them is talking about mum a lot, so maybe that's the case, but the other (price conscious) one says "I don't want to go on about it [anything about mum]".

So I thought, ok I'll carry on looking, and found proper stonemasons who will carve and engrave whatever you like, and as my mum loved animals, I thought about a fox, or maybe a mouse running up the side, or a cat sleeping. They can do all these 3D. The price of this is the same or less than the mass produced versions, with no limit on letters, pictures, sculpted flowers, you name it. Beautiful.

So! I messaged my brothers and asked if they'd like a link. I didn't want to just send pictures out of the blue and upset or annoy them. They've said, Why can't I choose from the mass-produced ones? Why does it matter? and "Mum won't mind". I felt so upset.

I was mum's "companion and carer" for the last 14 years of her life and I'm really suffering. I'm not saying they're not btw. We all just have different ways of processing grief, I understand that. But AIBU to think, looks lads, give me some input.

ALSO when I come to distributing the estate, what's the betting the one who cut off contact raises his head to say, Why did you buy THAT one? Why did you spend THAT much?
I don't want that in the future. It would be awful.

SORRY for the long post btw. I guess I'm just hurting, and when I finally reach out I'm still on my own.

Reading back over this, maybe I should just shut up, go do it, and send them the final design to say yes or no to before it's made Is that the right things to do, even though I feel it's harder for me to do?

Thanks everyone x

I did mention that I realise different people grieve in different ways. Lots if you have said that to me though, so I guess that's a message that stands out. So I'll try to remember it more.

I'm trying to be sensitive eg I only offered to send that link, I didn't send it out of the blue because headstones would have come up in the preview. I'm not trying to talk about it a lot or always messaging about it.

I've been trying to stay in the background but also wanting help, which is untenable really. So I'll do a design with the stonemason and send it to my brothers with just, "OK to go ahead?"

I think they'd have no objections to an animal in any design, and there's an Irish link, so I might ask the stonemason to do the Three Hares- (that picture where the 3 hares all share an ear, but look like they each have two. The three ears in the centre represent the trinity, i think, and she was a Christian so that's a way to mark that, without an actual cross)

Thanks again, all x

Ah, yes. I spotted that! In the online brochures they usually have a separate section for "Churchyard Memorials" and there's nabresina and York stone. Much 'calmer'. I didn't make the link that I should check d'oh Looking at this cemetery though, it looks like anything goes!
What's it like being a funeral arranger? Does it ever get you down?

Im sorry for your loss OP. I really struggled when I lost a parent a few years ago and my siblings didn’t seem interested in any (before or) arrangements. I was the closest person to my parent so I took the opportunity to do a final thing “their way”. I designed the grave with a lovely stonemason and I smile when I see it, I know no one visits regularly apart from me. Take the opportunity to do things the way your mum would have wanted. Lean on friends for support, they’re often much better than family.

I picked which stone and lettering to use by looking at other gravestones in the cemetery and then contacting the council to ask for details of the one I liked. I think they found out the funeral director I could contact to ask.

The Tinners' Hares is a lovely design.

You're organising it, you're seeing it, you're thinking about what your Mum would have liked.

Just arrange it. They don't want to discuss things, they're not helping. So you make the choice.

x thank you x

I would pick your favourite and send brothers a photo asking them to confirm if they are happy with that one. Sounds like they trust your judgement.

Thanks that's a brilliant idea. I didn't know they could do that :)

Thank you that's a nice way to look at it. I'll try to remember to frame it that way.

That sounds beautiful x Your mum and brothers will be thrilled with the hares x It’s such a thoughtful way to combine her religion and her love of animals and nature x A really touching tribute x

I have sympathy OP when my dad died it felt very onerous all the admin & decision making & I at least had the support of other siblings. Even then we agonised over what was best. What words were best etc. No instructions to follow & even what his preference for burial or cremation was. We hadn't anticipated how brutal (& ugly) the headstone would look & subsequently saw how much more organic & fitting to our & his sensibilities stone ones are. Although a quick word on this is that the stone ones in his graveyard have weathered & aged far more quickly & are green now & even the lettering hard to see. Not sure why as there are centuries old stones in there too that are in much better condition. But maybe slate ages & weathers differently if that's what you're thinking of going with.
I think your brothers sound pretty unsupportive & well brother like ie you've been doing the bulk of your mother's care (aka woman's work) & taken responsibility for her affairs (willingly) but as is typical with a lot of the men we complain about on this site, your brothers are happy to outsource this and leave all the mental (& emotional) load to you. Saying they don't care what you do is basically keeping themselves completely free of any obligations & the fact that they can't seem to see that it's important to you & that you could use a little support is really disappointing. And yes everyone grieves differently but these just sound like the usual male response of keeping themselves out of it for an easy life. So don't expect any more from them now bcos they're incapable of giving it. Also don't allow their opinions on what you do decide to do to bother you. I feel like you're seeking their approval for what is a really agonising decision (they didn't have x no of yrs caring for your mum & you poor thing you sound just completely exhausted by it all). Give yourself a break. Do in your heart what you feel is most what your mum would have wanted & for what feels right for you & sod them! If they complain about costs or choices then present them with the number of hours you worked to look after your mum & how much this would have costed them ultimately as you caring for her would have been far cheaper than by any other means. I know it's not about the money for you btw but they don't get to cop out of the major decisions & then moan about the consequences afterwards. Turn some of that grief into healthy anger & stop caring as much about what they think bcos they're showing you, when it comes to this part of the process, they're not bothered 💐

Thank you so much. You made me smile, nodding away at every word :)

I had this although I only have one brother. He did live very close though whilst I was 2hours away.
In the end I did all the probate, house clearance and sale, funeral arrangements and the headstone myself.
I just sent him everything including re costs and said if he wasn’t happy to make other suggestions. If he didn’t respond by my stated date then I noted in writing that it was an agreement. He did nothing at all so that’s the only way I could avoid issues later.
All he did was turn up to the funeral

Re not likening the black granite headstones there are plenty of companies that do alternatives just ask a funeral directors to make suggestions.

I get sad sometimes, especially when it’s a baby/child/young person who has gone too soon. Mostly though it’s extremely rewarding. I love caring for the families and being trusted to look after their loved ones ❤️

How unsurprising that the only female sibling was left with all the caring work, admin etc. I'm sure they'll be very involved and have a lot of opinions over the finances though. You sound lovely OP, your mum was lucky to have you, do whatever YOU think is best. X

Oh hey guys, I was surprised by your reaction to that one. What happened to I’m sure you will pick a nice one? Here’s the deal,i am grieving, im visiting mum a lot, and you guys are doing fuck all, so I’ve ordered a headstone from the estate that will make me happy to think of as commemorating mum, and if you’re interested and ask nicely I’ll send you a picture.

if you have something rude to say I suggest you get off your bum and help with some of the paperwork etc and constructive decision making.

I think you need to accept that your brothers (for whatever reason) aren't able and/or willing to give you the kind of support you really want. So therefore just go with whatever you/your mum would like in terms of a stone, and go with it.
This dillying around, asking opinions of people who can't/dont want to give opinions is getting you nowhere, and just dragging out the pain of the whole thing.

Separately, you do sound like you're really struggling. Have you considered grief counselling? I'm sure your mum wouldn't like to think of you still being at the wailing stage of grief 8 months on.

They did give you some input but it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. They sound fairly uninterested, personally I’d prefer to crack on and choose it myself without unhelpful quibbles. If what you think she’d like isn’t more in terms of cost than the generic ones, just order it.
And I’d agree with those who suggested you get some counselling.

Condolences OP, it can be raw especially for the first year when you have all the “first anniversaries’ to live through (Christmas, birthdays etc) without a loved one.
I am sure you are correct, that you will find, when your Mothers grave is finished, it will bring you more peace of mind.
Your idea of use more tactile slate for a headstone, is a very apt one I think.
My Mum passed almost 25 years ago, I can’t remember the exact date she died, but always raise a glass to her on her Birthday, because that for me is how I remember her.
There are no rights or wrongs, love is love.

I think your brother's just want a memorial that is 'Yeah, that'll do'. They aren't particularly interested in the minutae and couldn't care less about which type stone you choose.

My advice is to simply accept this. Leaving you free to choose whatever you would like. You mention you are worried someone will complain about the cost but say it won't cost any more than the average. You can say 'That's actually the average, the Co-op would charge around £££ and it would be £££ at the local independent '. You knew your DM best of all, you can be confident in making the right choice.

Please accept my condolences, my own DM died nearly 18 months ago and it's hard, isn't it. Really, really hard. I wish you every strength.

I agree with this.

My mum died last month and I have no strong opinions about anything like that. It means more to my dad so I am leaving him to make the decisions.

Thank you :)

(and yes, I've already had queries re how much will be received 🙄)

Thank you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, hope you're ok x

Thank you all for your concern for me and for asking about counselling. I've only recently started grief counselling, because there was a long waiting list. It's offered by a hospice and she seems very nice. Early days.

Just do whatever YOU want. You’re the only one bothering with the estate, despite trying to get your brothers involved, so it should be you who gets the final say. Some men can be such tossers when it comes to things like this, seeing it as ‘women’s work’. My MIL’s two brothers have left her dealing with absolutely everything for their mum so you’re not alone.