Didn’t think I would be disappointed at Valentines but I am

[MuffinSpencer]

We don’t usually make a huge deal over Valentines but DH and I have both been working a lot, both having a few very stressful weeks.

I told DH I was going to make an effort to have a nice evening last night. Get the kids in bed early, make a nice dinner (and actually eat together which hardly ever happens). I ordered him a little present, nothing fancy but a couple of bits he needs like new sunglasses. I had the day off so cleaned the house from top to bottom too.

He knew this, and instead went to the pub with my dad. When he finally got home he decided he was going to cook himself something different and ate it standing at the kitchen counter. He did bring a card for me, in a carrier bag as he’d obviously grabbed it last minute in the way back. I was hoping we’d watch a film we’ve been hoping to watch for a while but he just buggered off to bed.

I’m not asking for the world but a bunch of flowers would have at least been nice ☹️ all I wanted was to watch a film together and actually have a meal at the dinner table.

I feel silly for even being bothered about it when we normally don’t make a big deal of it but he knew I wanted a nice evening.

Also just really disappointed in my dad who always goes all out for my mum and makes sure she wakes up to flowers etc. I thought he would have encouraged DH to come home

Imitate his attitude and stop doing anything for occasions that involve him. Father's day for example day yourself and the dc off out.. Why wasn't your df with your dm?

Wonder if anyone thought he was 'with' his fil when they were out??!!

I didn’t think of that it’s funny. They work together so often go ti the pub after work

They had been out together the night before because she was going to an event last night

Why did your dad encourage him
To go to the pub knowing you was waiting for him at home? Was he even with your dad? Sure he wasn't with someone else?

Did you make it clear to dh that you were cooking a meal and would get the children to bed so that the two of you could spend the evening together?

Did your DH know and agree to your plans ie eat dinner sat down together and watch a film?
Because the way you wrote it is sounds like you decided all this would be nice but he didn't know.
What did you say when he said he was going to the pub?

I'm not being facetious op, I think we need more information and details, I can't tell if the problem was a miscommunication or if your DH purposely went against the plans you had together to hang out with your dad?

Yes I made it very clear that was the plan. I even asked what he wanted for a nice dinner and bought what he suggested!

No wonder you are upset then, he knew full well what the plan was so what's his excuse?

YANBU

I told DH I was going to make an effort to have a nice evening last night.

I think one issue is communication. I didn't tell my DH what we were doing or what I was planning, we made plans together (to not celebrate - its a fabricated hallmark day), but the point I'm making is you TOLD him, you didn't decide together what to do, it wasnt a joint decision, there wasnt a communication that it was important to you, and you've obviously got very different opinions of what you wanted from the day?

I’d be upset OP
he was incredibly rude

If I'm honest op the fact he knew you wanted a nice evening, planned it and cooked for him, but just didn't care.. It sounds like he's checked out of the marriage. I'm saying this because I've experienced it myself.

Valentine's day is a red herring here. It's absolutely appalling to bail on someone when you have plans, and piss off to the pub with a work colleague instead !

I said to his face “it’s valentines on Friday and I know we don’t normally do anything but it’s been a long few weeks and we should XYZ” he agreed! We spoke about it days before and in the morning

go ahead and make it sound like I’m some demanding horrible witch but I was just trying to do a nice thing and have us enjoy time together

no, if he had agreed then yes, YANBU. If he agreed and then changed the goalposts, he's a dick.

He’s got form for going for a “quick one” and then rolling in at 9pm grumpy and hungry but I didn’t think he’d do it on the one day I specifically said we’d do something nice (and he agreed)

How often do you get to go out?

I think I'd be saying to him.

'Your behaviour yesterday showed me how you view me and our marriage. I'll be doing some thinking about the future on the back of it '

It might open up a conversation or it'll make him stew. This sort of stuff eats you up eventually. It chips away.

Not relevant really is it? You don’t know how often either of us go out regularly.

I don’t just not turn up when I say I’ll be home

gamerchick is right, this kind of thing eats away at relationships. Every time he does something that makes you feel like this, it adds up. It hardens you as well.

It's difficult. I read somewhere that when a woman stops bollocking a man for stuff like this, it means that she's stopped some of her fight for the relationship. But it's really unpleasant having to bollock someone for not doing basics - ie as agreed.

Love this response.

He was bloody rude @MuffinSpencer. To arrive home late, then change dinner plans and not to watch the film with you. I would be asking what the hell he was playing at!

My most charitable interpretation is that he didn’t realise you had firm plans rather than “if you’re home we’ll do dinner and a movie”. But that still makes him a dick for not double checking.

Whilst I absolutely agree with the sentiment, he's probably too stupid to join the dots - even though it's being spelled out for him.

@MuffinSpencer that’s sort of what I am getting at. He seems to be able to go out on a whim (even when you have plans) without any consideration to you and DC. I assume you aren’t able to do the same. Because if he is just going for a ‘quick one’ and then rolls in at 9 stops you being able to do anything as you are default babysitter