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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just wanted a bit of help from DP

37 replies

findmeaunicorn · 15/02/2025 12:23

So we have a 3yr old daughter, our only one. He had day off yesterday, I was at work, DD at nursery all day. Around 4pm at work I started feeling unwell, shivering with a fleece on in a well heated office - presumed I was just tired. Gradually felt worse. Basically I I was shivering, aching, temperature, exhausted when I got home. Asked DP to sort DD, you know supper, jamas, bedtime so I could go to bed. He did do it, but not without a fight...... he kept saying 'you'd have to do it if I wasn't here' and yes I'd have pushed through obviously.
But he was at home! I felt so ill, I slept 12hrs in my work uniform cos I felt too unwell to even get changed.
Luckily I feel a bit better today, bad back, and no energy but overall better - I think I was simply exhausted! He's gone to the gym then out with his mates.
AIBU to think he for once should have just got on with it and helped?
I know I'm not being unreasonable really...... I'm upset and it helps to vent!

OP posts:
Anewuser · 15/02/2025 12:26

Assuming it’s his child as well? Yes, he should have just stepped up because he cares.

He’s jointly responsible for raising his child. Maybe remind he he’d have to look after her for the whole weekend if you split up.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/02/2025 12:26

he kept saying 'you'd have to do it if I wasn't here'

But he was there?!

I don't understand-what was his reason for not parenting his own child?

Bestwishes23 · 15/02/2025 12:27

He sounds awful. I'm assuming this is just the tip of the self-centered iceberg?

Hope you feel better today, OP!

Togglebullets · 15/02/2025 12:30

Yes he should have parented his own child by himself. He should have taken one look at his unwell partner and ushered you off to bed without even being asked.

Things are clearly completely uneven between you if you consider him parenting his child as 'helping' you. And he has some audicity to give you a hard time about putting his own kid to bed and then merrily skip out for the day leaving you to parent her alone.

Stop putting up with the absolute minimum from this misogynistic prick.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/02/2025 12:30

YABU in describing it as him helping you - his home, his child - you should both expect him to have some responsibility
All the time - not just responsibility to stand in when you're sick.

Marshbird · 15/02/2025 12:38

YABU to describe it as “ help”

he’s not helping you. He needed to do his job as parent. Your child needs parenting, one parent is out of “commission”, other one takes over completely.

time to have serious talk with him. You need to set boundaries to say your daughter care is not your responsibility even if your routine or plans had originally agreed you were on “ duty” that evening. Plans and routine have to be flexible with kids. Both parents have to understand that you will both need to alter expectations of what you were planning to do that day when stuff happens - hold up in traffic, call form school/nursery that kid is ill, one of you going to hospital, child needing to go to hospital, surprising work needs, etc etc. you’ve got 18 years of this, shit will happen to trash your precious down time.

please don’t tell me you are responsible for all drop off and pick us every day and working full time and preparing her food and bath time…please don’t tell me you’ve martyred yourself for his “helplessness” of stepping up to parenting, or becuase you simply didn’t trust him to be able to, or you didn’t like him doing it way he wanted to. That way lies a noose around your own neck that was entirely avoidable.

he is an adult. He needs to behave like one. Tell him “instrad of complaining to me, go and look your DC in the eyes and moan at her how much he resents looking after her needs” . If it wasn’t for child’s needs you’d have not needed to ask anything of him. It is not for your benefit. It is not your responsisiblty that he has to step in when he didn’t want to. It’s down to fact he has a child. Let him dwell on thst, he is in effect complaining to his child that he is having to parent them. Nice one. Selfish git.

Zanina · 15/02/2025 12:42

You need to make him feel like utter shit for saying that. It's his child and he's your partner. If he isn't going to take care of you both in sickness then when the fuck is he actually going to do it? He views you with contempt, if you look you will see the signs.

FriendsDrinkBook · 15/02/2025 12:43

Leave him. Your life will be better without him. I don't say this lightly. I was married to a man like this and divorce truly set me free.

I hope you feel better soon , it sounds like you've got this awful viral infection that's going around right now.

thismummydrinksgin · 15/02/2025 12:45

I think you need to plan some days where you go out and leave him to it. If your like me you have accepted it as the norm that you do things.

Saggyknickers · 15/02/2025 12:46

Another day on MN, another thread about a selfish, lazy dickhead of a man!

Of course you're not wrong to expect your child's father to parent his child OP.

username299 · 15/02/2025 12:48

If I understand correctly you asked him to put his child to bed and he kept refusing. Is he usually like this? Refusing to parent or pull his weight?

PinkPonyClub25 · 15/02/2025 12:50

Assuming it's his child, I'd go out tomorrow and leave him all day with your dd.
Who goes out with their mates when their partner is unwell and their kids to see too? Selfish pricks that's who.

AsLivingArrows · 15/02/2025 12:50

He actually said that his expectation is that you look after the children as if he doesn't exist?

What's the point of him?

GreyAreas · 15/02/2025 12:53

He doesn't care if you are ill because you are not him and only he matters.

BerryMummypudding · 15/02/2025 12:56

"You'd have to do it if I wasn't here"

Does he work? Does he do anything else round the house?

My brother in law said something similar to my sister about housework. (They have a fairly even split) so she stopped doing his laundry which was her job and when he complained she said same to him.

Petty maybe But it made the point and she said he hasn't said anything like it since.

honeylulu · 15/02/2025 12:58

I would have said that his point works the other way too - if you weren't there he'd have to do it anyway, so ...?

The issue is that he's a very selfish, sexist man. He thinks child related chores are all yours, because they are womens work. That's bad enough that he sees it as doing you a favour (it isn't, she's his child too) but to try and argue he doesn't want to even though you've been at work and he hasn't, and even though you're ill and he isn't, is just appalling.

I'm not surprised at all that he's gone out today to the gym and seeing his mates. Let me guess, you never get up on a Saturday and walk out to do leisure activities for the day and if you do you have to ask him as if it's a massive favour.

Ghastly man.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/02/2025 13:00

Maybe tell him being a lone parent would be easier.... Because ime of a useless bloke it will be.

Bananalanacake · 15/02/2025 13:05

Has he ever looked after his own child or is this the first time he can't be bothered.

Miaowzabella · 15/02/2025 13:06

I'd have a relapse if I were you. Stay in bed all weekend and let Mr Lazybones do all the stuff you presumably do without his even noticing.

user2848502016 · 15/02/2025 13:09

Of course he should have done it, you shouldn't have had to ask.

MissMoan · 15/02/2025 13:23

I agree with previous posts. I'd be asking him why is he not caring for his child?
Sorry you are going through this, OP.

Original poster
findmeaunicorn · 15/02/2025 19:11

Bestwishes23 · 15/02/2025 12:27

He sounds awful. I'm assuming this is just the tip of the self-centered iceberg?

Hope you feel better today, OP!

Yes tip of the iceberg x 100! I put up with it cos I desperately don't want my child to be without a father like I was. But let's face it, most of the time she is 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
findmeaunicorn · 15/02/2025 19:30

I want to say thank you all for the support, it has made me feel like a not so bad mum - although poor girl has been stuck in all day while I've battled another temperature and honestly lifting my arm has felt exhausting 🤣

So he doesn't exactly do nothing, he does help around the house, pays for the shopping etc..... but the childcare is very much left to me and while I do not mind he is very much 'it's a woman's job'

I take and collect her from nursery, get her up and dressed, ready for bed, recently been up and down the stairs 10million times a she's going thru a phase of getting out of bed: basically I do everything for her, and she is my long awaited pride and joy so I don't mind.

BUT I do feel like a single parent a lot, even though I remind him it's 2025! And although he earns more than me it's not enough so I work a demanding job full time, as well as studying a masters for my position. It would be nice just occasionally, to have a break - as in not break my back getting to nursery morning and evening just so I can get to work on time (like when he has a day off and I don't) or for him to do tea or bedtime, or better still just have few hours to myself (without being poorly) just to recharge from work life balance.

I need to re-evaluate xxx

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/02/2025 19:32

he is very much 'it's a woman's job'

Christ - is he from the 1950s? There is no excuse for this kind of attitude in 2025.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/02/2025 19:34

He is a shit father and partner, it's your choice to stay and put up with him and inflict him on your daughter, the longer you stay the more likely she is to find a similar partner for herself in the future.