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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed in friend

47 replies

Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:32

This is a long one sorry…

My friend and I met about 7 years ago at work. We got on great - supportive, had a laugh together, just seemed to “click” as friends. For context I was in early 30s and had no kids at the time, she was in late 40s and has grown up kids.
I was going through IVF and she was really supportive of this. I had a successful pregnancy 2 years ago. Friend was super excited - couldn’t wait to meet the baby, kept asking to come visit etc. I asked her to be godparent and she was thrilled to bits. Really enthusiastic and just honoured. For the first year of my little girl’s life she visited frequently and loved receiving updates/pictures.
Things then went a little weird. For context, I did move further away from my friend and I asked for a 6 month career break (we still work at same place). My friend and I kept in touch on phone/text but she never came to visit. She would often say on the phone she was going to come but it never happened, I offered to meet half way or to see her at the weekend at hers so my partner could come too. We even talked about having a weekend away together as I have a caravan we could stay in. But it never materialised!
I went back to work after career break but rarely spoke to friend. We’d maybe chat 2x month. Both worked part time and a lot of time WFH so didn’t really see each other. She rarely asked how my eldest was doing or requested photos like she used to. I understand the excitement does wear off after a while, which is fair enough!

My partner and I decided to have another round of IVF and it was successful! Fast forward to now and I have 1 week old twin girls!!
My friend is desperate to see them and has offered to come stay in a hotel close by to help out. She keeps texting asking how we are, wants to talk on the phone (I haven’t yet as only got back from hospital on Wednesday). Which is all very lovely! But she hasn’t seen my eldest (her godchild) in over a year, she ignored my text inviting her to my eldest’s second birthday just before twins were born and she barely seems interested in her at all. She did send Christmas presents for her and has told me she has birthday present that she will give to her when she visits the twins.

I can’t help but feel really disappointed. I know my twin girls are precious and exciting but I just wish she had more interest and time for my eldest this last year. I have stalled talking to her or accepting the offer of her staying because I feel so sad that my eldest has been ignored for over a year and all the excitement is on the twins.

AIBU to feel like this?

WWYD in this situation?

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 08:34

She could have had her own stuff going on. It’s not all about you.

sciaticafanatica · 15/02/2025 08:36

Honestly... other people's children are just not interesting!
Do you try and see her socially without children?

Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:37

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 08:34

She could have had her own stuff going on. It’s not all about you.

Yes absolutely and completely fair point! I know she has had some things going on and we’ve talked on the phone about a couple of things over the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:39

sciaticafanatica · 15/02/2025 08:36

Honestly... other people's children are just not interesting!
Do you try and see her socially without children?

Yeah again fair point and do get that! But she is her godparent so I’d hoped she’d see her a bit more.
Socially - we met at works Christmas do and talked about another night out but it never came about before the twins arrived.

OP posts:
Completelyjo · 15/02/2025 08:40

She doesn’t sound particularly excited by your twins, she’s doing the normal social convention about asking you about your new babies and getting them a gift. She also got your older child a Christmas present.
You don’t live close and don’t particularly hang out anymore.
It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong and saying you have now stopped talking to her because she “ignored” your 2 year old for a year is crazy.

Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:41

Completelyjo · 15/02/2025 08:40

She doesn’t sound particularly excited by your twins, she’s doing the normal social convention about asking you about your new babies and getting them a gift. She also got your older child a Christmas present.
You don’t live close and don’t particularly hang out anymore.
It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong and saying you have now stopped talking to her because she “ignored” your 2 year old for a year is crazy.

I haven’t said we’ve stopped talking! I’m still in touch with her just haven’t got round to speaking on the phone … just been in hospital for half the week with sick twins so not had chance to talk yet!.

OP posts:
farmlife2 · 15/02/2025 08:42

Are you both clear on the expectations of what being a godparent means to each of you? My children have godparents but they never saw them. The godparents just saw their role as praying for them. I think there's often even less of a faith expectation of them these days, in general. For others it's more involved, as you seem to understand it to be.

SnoopysHoose · 15/02/2025 08:44

Seems she just likes new small babies and quickly loses interest.
Offering to stay in an hotel seems odd, just let it cool
off.

Boomer55 · 15/02/2025 08:44

She’s probably got a lot going on in her life and hasn’t had much time for yours 🤷‍♀️.

Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:49

farmlife2 · 15/02/2025 08:42

Are you both clear on the expectations of what being a godparent means to each of you? My children have godparents but they never saw them. The godparents just saw their role as praying for them. I think there's often even less of a faith expectation of them these days, in general. For others it's more involved, as you seem to understand it to be.

This is very helpful… thank you x

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/02/2025 08:50

I think sometimes peoples lives just get in the way. Everyone has stuff going on, sometimes nobody else will be aware, and it impacts on how much they feel able to give. If people still keep in touch and demonstrate they care, then I’d take that as the friendship still meaning something.

Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 08:54

Boomer55 · 15/02/2025 08:44

She’s probably got a lot going on in her life and hasn’t had much time for yours 🤷‍♀️.

Yes definitely could be the case 👍🏼 thanks

OP posts:
ChancesAreLow · 15/02/2025 08:55

I'd feel a bit disappointed too, do you think she adores babies but is less interested in them as they get older?

DrinkReprehensibly · 15/02/2025 08:56

Maybe she's let things slip a bit because you moved, left work and had her own stuff going on. A year can fly by in an adult's life. It sounds like she's trying to reconnect so why not let her if you like her? If your eldest is only 2, it's not actually been that long in reality. It sounds like you're expecting a lot from her when ultimately she was your friend first and you made her godmother. She was supportive of you going through IVF as a good friend would be but now you're considering cooling things off because she's not the world's number 1 godmother which is a role you assigned her rather than something she chose. Maybe she's trying her best.

PerkyGreenCat · 15/02/2025 09:00

You said it cooled off after you wanted to see her at the weekend "so my partner could come" - why would she want to see your partner? Is she part of a couple and usually you'd socialise as a group of 4? Or is she single and assumed it would be a catch up with just you but then you mentioned bringing your partner and she thought "fuck that!"

I've let friendships cool with people who are joined at the hip with their partner. It's not fun for me sitting there telling ClaireAndDave all the gossip about my dating life and how upset I am about (insert life event).

Maybe I've got that wrong and you're not one of those couples. Maybe you have tried to meet up with your friend on your own. Maybe you don't just talk about the kids all the time. Maybe it is her backing off from the friendship.

MathsMum3 · 15/02/2025 09:06

I don't think you've mentioned how far away you moved, what transport links are like, and whether your friend drives. Maybe it's just impractical for her to vist you where you are now.

Also, don't underestimate the effect that incidental daily interaction has on a relationship. While you were seeing eachother every day at work, it was easy to be close, but as soon as that is broken, it takes real effort to keep it going at the same level, and you were clearly busy with the baby.

Mauro711 · 15/02/2025 09:12

I think the whole godmother thing is putting unnesessary expectations on the friendship and it's now almost become a chore for her to keep up the interest in your child. She was a colleague almost 20 years older than you, those types of friendships rarely stand the test of time once you are no longer working together. You are at such different stages in life and her kids are probably closer to your age than she is. I think it was a mistake to ask her to be a godmother, I think those roles are better suited for siblings or childhood friends.

ValentineValentineV · 15/02/2025 09:15

The first year was fine, you moved and had a career break but you stayed in touch. I think it all sounds OK. I do agree that other people’s DC are pretty boring.
My two friends are obsessed with their DGC, I see the GC a coupe of times a year and am Nanny’s fun friend but honestly much prefer it when it’s just my friend and I. I love to see their photos and hear funny story but I’m not really bothered about actually seeing them. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends.

SallyWD · 15/02/2025 09:21

Sounds like perhaps she's really interested in babies but loses interest once they're older. Could that be the case? I know people who adore babies but not children.

Roofofdoom · 15/02/2025 09:22

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 08:34

She could have had her own stuff going on. It’s not all about you.

That was my first thought. I go low contact and avoid things when I have got lots of stuff going on emotionally.

Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 09:38

PerkyGreenCat · 15/02/2025 09:00

You said it cooled off after you wanted to see her at the weekend "so my partner could come" - why would she want to see your partner? Is she part of a couple and usually you'd socialise as a group of 4? Or is she single and assumed it would be a catch up with just you but then you mentioned bringing your partner and she thought "fuck that!"

I've let friendships cool with people who are joined at the hip with their partner. It's not fun for me sitting there telling ClaireAndDave all the gossip about my dating life and how upset I am about (insert life event).

Maybe I've got that wrong and you're not one of those couples. Maybe you have tried to meet up with your friend on your own. Maybe you don't just talk about the kids all the time. Maybe it is her backing off from the friendship.

Sorry further context… We did used to meet up with both our partners too. Our partners get on well and we both get on well with each other’s partners too so wouldn’t have been weird.

The reason I said for my partner to come too was just to be in the car together with the baby as she can get a little fussy on longer journeys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 09:43

This is all really helpful stuff. Thank you everyone… lots to think about and reflect on!
If I’m honest I think some of it is my own grief and guilt that my eldest is no longer the only one and “special”.
Some of it is just hormones and postpartum stuff - my twins are only a week old so I know I’m emotionally all over the place too!
Thanks for all the comments and sorry if I’ve not responded to you specifically!
I think I am being unreasonable really so it’s helped me to see that 👏🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 09:44

ChancesAreLow · 15/02/2025 08:55

I'd feel a bit disappointed too, do you think she adores babies but is less interested in them as they get older?

Thank you 💛
Yeah - babies are super exciting. I know people lose interest in kids and I get that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightandbreezey · 15/02/2025 09:46

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/02/2025 08:50

I think sometimes peoples lives just get in the way. Everyone has stuff going on, sometimes nobody else will be aware, and it impacts on how much they feel able to give. If people still keep in touch and demonstrate they care, then I’d take that as the friendship still meaning something.

Yes thank you. She’s still in touch and clearly really cares!

OP posts:
kiwiane · 15/02/2025 09:46

We all have our own stuff going on and you need friends - I’d see her when you’re ready and see how things go. It’s best not to expect much and then you’re not disappointed.