To feel disappointed in friend

[Brightandbreezey]

This is a long one sorry…

My friend and I met about 7 years ago at work. We got on great - supportive, had a laugh together, just seemed to “click” as friends. For context I was in early 30s and had no kids at the time, she was in late 40s and has grown up kids.
I was going through IVF and she was really supportive of this. I had a successful pregnancy 2 years ago. Friend was super excited - couldn’t wait to meet the baby, kept asking to come visit etc. I asked her to be godparent and she was thrilled to bits. Really enthusiastic and just honoured. For the first year of my little girl’s life she visited frequently and loved receiving updates/pictures.
Things then went a little weird. For context, I did move further away from my friend and I asked for a 6 month career break (we still work at same place). My friend and I kept in touch on phone/text but she never came to visit. She would often say on the phone she was going to come but it never happened, I offered to meet half way or to see her at the weekend at hers so my partner could come too. We even talked about having a weekend away together as I have a caravan we could stay in. But it never materialised!
I went back to work after career break but rarely spoke to friend. We’d maybe chat 2x month. Both worked part time and a lot of time WFH so didn’t really see each other. She rarely asked how my eldest was doing or requested photos like she used to. I understand the excitement does wear off after a while, which is fair enough!

My partner and I decided to have another round of IVF and it was successful! Fast forward to now and I have 1 week old twin girls!!
My friend is desperate to see them and has offered to come stay in a hotel close by to help out. She keeps texting asking how we are, wants to talk on the phone (I haven’t yet as only got back from hospital on Wednesday). Which is all very lovely! But she hasn’t seen my eldest (her godchild) in over a year, she ignored my text inviting her to my eldest’s second birthday just before twins were born and she barely seems interested in her at all. She did send Christmas presents for her and has told me she has birthday present that she will give to her when she visits the twins.

I can’t help but feel really disappointed. I know my twin girls are precious and exciting but I just wish she had more interest and time for my eldest this last year. I have stalled talking to her or accepting the offer of her staying because I feel so sad that my eldest has been ignored for over a year and all the excitement is on the twins.

AIBU to feel like this?

WWYD in this situation?

I immediately thought “she had something going on and you never even knew”. I have a friend a bit like you. Never asks me how I am.

Perhaps she finds toddlers tiresome? Because they pretty much all are!

congratulations on your babies. Very exciting!

I think you are expecting too much. Don’t jeopardise a friendship over something that probably has no ill intent.

Congrats on the twins. And good luck ;-)

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and bring her in. She might have had other stuff going on at the time. It could be an opportunity to rebuild your friendship.

100% this. My mum puts maximum effort in for grandkids when they are "cute" but by the time they are 4 she finds them annoying(she would never admit this though). She was a children's nurse for years and worked with babies. She has a thing for babies. I'm not saying she doesn't live her grandkids but she is definitely more interested when they are babies. I bet your friends is the same. I wouldn't be too bothered by this. I have friends I've known for 20+ years and we knew each other before kids. They barely see my kids but we do still socialise, celebrate birthdays go on girls wkds etc.

Yes absolutely she may have had things going on and we have talked about a couple of things.
I am not sure where you’ve got that I don’t asked her how she is. I absolutely do.

I am in my mid forties and wouldn’t be thrilled at having a toddler coming to stay after working all week.
once your own kids are older you get passed it. You would be better arranging to see without kids. When I meet up with my best friends we don’t bring children- as well they are annoying!

It does sound a little all one way, she’s your support act. I wonder if your lives are just at different stages and it all gets in the way.

She might adore babies, but not be so interested in toddlers.

Do you take interest in her family? Ask after her children and how they are doing? My children are late teens/ young adults but I am no less attached to them and appreciate when friends ask how they are doing at uni etc

She might be a baby person rather than a child person.She saw your daughter regularly until 1yr and now is excited about your new babies.
Doesn't make her a good friend though.

Sorry I didn’t mean to imply you never ask (though I can see that I actually did!) I was talking about my friend and how she is with me.

It sounds all one sided, that she has to be really interested in your kids, but you never mention hers. Do you show much interest in her children or is it all about yours.

A few people have asked if I ask her about her kids. Yes I do - I know something has been going on with her daughter that is very sensitive and I don’t want to post about as it’s not my personal info to share. But it is definitely something that would impact my friend in a big way. I’ve tried to be a listening ear and supportive, may be it wasn’t enough I don’t know! And something to think about.

Sounds like she is keen to support you. Maybe she realises the first few months with a newborn are tough and that's why she reaches out more at these times.

You don't have to breach her privacy by giving details but what is the scale of the 'couple of things over the year'?

Would you say you have been a good friend and focused on this, given her support with these things? Or have you been pretty pre-occupied with your own family?

If she has been very impacted with sensitive issues in her own family, why are you expecting her to visit your family as she would if all was well?

It sounds like she has a lot going on. She was supportive towards you when you were going through IVF, how are you supporting her in return now she has family problems?

This .. If she wanted to be your friend, she would have made an effort. Imo most of the responses to your op are rude and unnecessary.

Your friend is, what now? 55? Same as me and my friends. If it helps, some of the women in my circle are pretty burned out with jobs, looking after parents, emerging health issues. It's not always the easiest of times. It's very common for people to really want to do things at the time they're mentioned, then not be able to get the motivation when the time comes. Toddlers are very exhausting and the theory can often be different from the practise. My own toddler grandchildren run me ragged, and I do look back with nostalgia to when they were babies and all I had to do was sit and cuddle them, and I'm fit as a fiddle. Obviously everyone is different, but the time of life your friend is at is one where some women need to be cut a little slack because their life feels pretty tough. Don't take it personally.

Yes. Good call. I think there is also a ‘waking up’ (amongst my circle), to the role we have often taken in terms of caring for, giving, nurturing and a disillusionment when during the hardest time of life, no bugger we have supported does the same for us. A reclaiming of ourselves as people in our own rights and pursuing our own needs and wants regardless of the demands or expectations of others. It’s great but sometimes others don’t like us changing our patterns and feel a little abandoned I think.

👍🏻

Thanks for the recent posts about stages of life and pressures for women in their 50s - very helpful.

This post has been very useful for me, lots of perspectives and views to reflect on.

I agree that I am being unreasonable!

Mixture of my own guilt, hormones and expectations.

I rang my friend today and had a lovely chat. Before anyone wonders I did, of course, ask how she is and what’s going on for her! Anyway she’s coming next week for a visit.

I am not going to reply to this post again as I honestly feel it has been helpful and that I have got what I needed from it. Some perspective, alternative viewpoints and a reality check!

Thanks for all the replies!

I'd let her visit. Give her a chance to get to know your eldest.

I also think possibly she's had stuff of her own going on and time has just flown by.

Edited - I'm glad you've had a good chat and she's visiting. A good friendship is able to withstand lapses and carry on regardless when the time is right.