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Original poster

What can you do for an alcoholic sibling

52 replies

justneedsomesoundadvice · 15/02/2025 07:30

Who is always blaming everyone around them ? My mum is getting hysterical phone calls at 1am from them, saying no one cares about them, that they drink because they can't cope with anxiety, can't keep a job because they're high conflict with everyone. My niece is telling my mum how they can't cope with it anymore, how their parent drinks alcohol in the morning, how this is fucking their mental health up, that she just wants a normal life and doesn't want to have to shut themself away in their bedroom to escape shit.
One postive is my sibling has been referred to a drug and alcohol service and the social services are now involved because niece took an overdose, but to be honest they aren't interested !

No one can say anything to them. It's always us against them. Pushing is all away, finding the worst in us all when we're trying to be supportive. I can't cope with it anymore. It's too much. I have my own issues and my own life to deal with

OP posts:
Original poster
justneedsomesoundadvice · 15/02/2025 07:31

She is always the victim !!

OP posts:
Ferrazzuoli · 15/02/2025 07:35

I think your priority should be your niece. Could she live with her other parent? Or even go to boarding school. She needs support.

DragonBalls · 15/02/2025 07:35

Give her a lift or escort her to the alcohol service, as that’s the only thing that might be of any help. If she refuses to go, she is pretty much a lost cause.

be there for your niece. Can she stay with you or your mum?

Jk987 · 15/02/2025 07:38

Never mind your sister for now, do all you can for your niece. Let her live with you. How old is she?

AmusedOpalShaker · 15/02/2025 07:39

How old is your niece? Support her first.

WhereAreWeNow · 15/02/2025 07:40

Can your niece come and live with you? Are there other kids in the house?

Zanatdy · 15/02/2025 07:41

Agree with stepping in and helping your niece. She needs to live with her grandparents or you until her parent sorts themselves out. Horrible she is stuck in this environment.

LividBlah · 15/02/2025 07:43

I’ve had two very close alcoholics that I’ve loved.

The ONLY answer is detach, with love.

You cannot get sucked into their madness.

(Am I right you have a niece who is living with the alcoholic? She needs to be elsewhere).

3tumsnot1 · 15/02/2025 07:43

There are things they can help them selves with but your sibling needs to be in the right headspace to rake support - if she is not there is nothing you or your mum can do other that what you have done. She should go to the doctor and get some anti anxiety tablets to chill herself out. She can get beta blockers which have very little side effects. She need to get some support and should go to AA where they will help her and are used to dealing with people in her situation.

How old is the niece ? Can she live with someone else for a while whilst your sibling deals with her addiction. Could she move in with your mum for example? She should not have to deal with this shit and if your sister is in complete chaos then this situation could be going on for a while.

your sister will continue to blame everyone else because that’s why they allow themselves to drink. There is a selfishness in the disease, the reason it’s acceptable for them to drink is because they are the victim. Until she takes responsibility, she won’t stop.

Lovelysummerdays · 15/02/2025 07:45

Tbh very little. The thing about addiction is you have to sort yourself out. Anything else is just scaffolding really, props them up for a bit and enables them to carry on. Creating an illusion of a functional alchoholic. As others have said I’d focus on supporting your niece. Quite often people need to be left to hit rock bottom to turn themselves around.

Original poster
justneedsomesoundadvice · 15/02/2025 07:53

Yes I 10000% agree my niece is the priority here. I've just told my mum she needs to offer niece to go and stay with her even just while her mum is getting better. But mum is scared of her. Scared it will send her over the edge.

OP posts:
WifeImprovementWorksInProgress · 15/02/2025 07:56

How old is the niece?

2chocolateoranges · 15/02/2025 07:58

Having been in this situation there is nothing you can do, nothing you do is right, everything you say is wrong and it all gets turned around on you.

ive tried being the supportive sister, going to meeting with them, phoning to find them a place to stay, picked up furniture, I’ve been the listening ear, I’ve shouted, I’ve screamed,, ive begged and I’ve cried , I’ve been at their bedside while they fought for their life in IcU for a month and it all gets thrown back in your face.

im now No contact. If they want to fuck up their life then that’s their choice , I can’t do any more .

WifeImprovementWorksInProgress · 15/02/2025 07:58

Also, I understand your desperation, but I'm not sure pressuring your already scared and stressed mum is helpful or fair here? How close do you all live to each other? Can you directly support your niece at all, even if it's a couple of evenings a week at yours or something?

TheLongRider · 15/02/2025 08:02

I had to block my alcoholic brother from contacting me. As others have said nothing I did was good enough and my words were twisted against me. Support your niece and your mother as best you can.

Your sister has the option of professional care and help. I'm guessing neither you nor your mother are trained to deal with alcoholism and there's only so far family ties can go before they snap.

TheLongRider · 15/02/2025 08:05

You and your mother cannot be held responsible legally or morally if your sister does anything. It is her choice to drink rather than to use the help offered. You cannot be with her 24 hours a day to prevent her drinking.

Catza · 15/02/2025 08:06

Your mum needs to turn her phone off at night. Depending on the age of the niece she needs to either be referred to SS or find her own place to live. I don't think niece living with your mum is an option either.

romdowa · 15/02/2025 08:07

The only person who can help your sister is your sister. She has to want to stop and get help. Nobody else can do it for her. Al anon is a great resource for families of alcoholics .

Original poster
justneedsomesoundadvice · 15/02/2025 08:19

Sadly I don't have the room here, I have 3 kids st home, two of which are infants. My mum has a spare room for niece if she wants it. She is 16 in a few months. My mum is just worried about the backlash from my sister if she does offer niece the spare room. And there will be a backlash, she does love her kids, niece is the youngest btw. But she is in no date to parent properly. She will see it as us taking her kids away from her. It will either push her to get better or push her to do something stupid.
She has tried to take her own life twice now. Niece has also done it recently. That's why social are involved. I think my sister downplays it all though which is why they're not all over her...

Niece said to my mum she wakes up and doesn't have tea or coffee, she has strong cider. She's always got a drink on her hand. Niece says that there is no rules in the house, I think she means stability, normality.

Sister is already on citalopram, she doesn't sleep at all, just drinks. She is due to start hrt shortly so I'm hoping that will also help.

Sorry I just need to get this all out because it's so fucking hard ! My dh can't cope with my sister, he hates everything about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
justneedsomesoundadvice · 15/02/2025 08:21

She was messaging me constantly from 12am til I woke up at 6. My phone and mums goes on do not disturb but I think sister kept phoning mum repeatedly so the call went through.

This morning I've replied to her messages, her blaming my mum, how she cannot believe she doesn't help her, didn't text her back after speaking to everyone etc it's all just poor me. Now I'm the enemy too because I haven't flagged my mum off to her and told her to just chill out. We can't win.

OP posts:
TheLongRider · 15/02/2025 08:30

You can't get through to her. She will always find something or someone else to blame. Until she faces up to her own alcoholism you can tie yourself into knots but nothing will change.

Drop the rope, step back.

I always said I would be sad but not sorry when my brother died from his alcoholism. I could not maintain my relationship with him because he just wanted to blame me for his circumstances.

TheProvincialLady · 15/02/2025 08:36

Your niece is a child who is suffering badly right now. That is a fact. Your sister might kick off and she might escalate her behaviour or she might even kill herself, but that is speculation. She is an adult and has choices your niece doesn’t. I can’t believe your mum isn’t prioritising and protecting your suicidal 16 year old niece.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 15/02/2025 08:48

Hi,
OP, is there no one in your family who can take your niece in today right away. I'm sure your description of her mum's drinking and insomnia is correct imagine the impact on your 15 year old neice.
She must be exhausted and close to a breakdown in her mental health and presumably this is her GCSE year.
If your mother won't take her in which seems very sad to me maybe someone else could. Leaving her in her mother's "care" hasn't prevented her mother from reaching this desperate point in active addiction. I would wish social services would intervene but in my experience that won't happen.
And there is nothing at all you can do for your sibling I think. Alcohol is a nasty drug.

Dymaxion · 15/02/2025 08:52

There is very little you can do, unfortunately. Addicts by their very nature are incredibly manipulative, I notice your Mum is scared to rock the boat and offer your poor niece sanctuary, even though it is absolutely the right thing to do in the circumstances.
That is what I would concentrate on if I were you, support your Mum to help your niece. Support your niece, get her the psychological support she probably needs to make sense of the situation and deal with the emotions surrounding it.
Are school aware of the situation ? She will be in her GCSE year and will need as much support from them as they can offer. Don't let your Sister's addiction spoil your Nieces life chances.
As for your Sister, I would be honest with her, explain that her addiction to alcohol (and I would call it that, don't pussy foot around) means that you cannot help her until she decides to get help for her addiction. There will be much wailing, threats, tears etc because getting help means stopping drinking, and it doesn't sound as though she is ready to accept that.

AmusedOpalShaker · 15/02/2025 09:16

Sorry, I’m probably going to sound like a horrid person, but who gives a shiny shite about your Sister’s reaction to you guys getting your Niece out?

Protect the 15 year old! She’s a child and look how you’ve described what she’s living with.

If your Sis wants to blame everyone else without looking inward, then let her fgs; that’s the nature of the beast that is addiction anyways - protect the innocent child who is reaching out?

(This probably sounds more harsh than it is meant to!)

Good luck x