What can you do for an alcoholic sibling

[justneedsomesoundadvice]

Who is always blaming everyone around them ? My mum is getting hysterical phone calls at 1am from them, saying no one cares about them, that they drink because they can't cope with anxiety, can't keep a job because they're high conflict with everyone. My niece is telling my mum how they can't cope with it anymore, how their parent drinks alcohol in the morning, how this is fucking their mental health up, that she just wants a normal life and doesn't want to have to shut themself away in their bedroom to escape shit.
One postive is my sibling has been referred to a drug and alcohol service and the social services are now involved because niece took an overdose, but to be honest they aren't interested !

No one can say anything to them. It's always us against them. Pushing is all away, finding the worst in us all when we're trying to be supportive. I can't cope with it anymore. It's too much. I have my own issues and my own life to deal with

Adding to my other comment:

I know your Mum worries it will push her over the edge, to remove your niece. I appreciate that and it is a horrid situation to be in, I get that.

But, needs must. You never know, it could also act as a much needed kick up the arse?

(I have an alcoholic parent so I sympathise with your Niece, just do everything you can to protect her, forget everything and everyone else for the moment, please) x

One of the things I realised last year was there was nothing I could do to help my alcoholic brother. After years of trying it was a relief tbh, although very sad.

So I messaged her earlier, really breezily, asking what she thinks about niece going to stay with mum for a few weeks, just while she concentrates on starting hrt and commencing the alcohol services. She has flipped. As I expected.
It's always us on at her, we run with her vulnerabilities, we have parenting badges apparently, she wanted support, etc etc fuck your support was the last message.

Seriously what am I meant to do with that?
I feel like her emotional punchbag, everytime she has a problem with someone (which is all the time) she wants me to get all riled up and berate them, but I don't because I am a very neutral person and try and be rational. That's means I'm against her apparently ?

Nothing!
You can't help anyone that doesn't want help.

Just make sure that in the event of a tragedy you've a clear conscience

You can't do anything obviously, for her until she wants to do something to help herself. You can help her daughter. Your suggestion hasn't caused your sister's reaction her active addiction has. Whatever you do or dont do your sister is in crisis, you can help your niece.

My sibling blames their childhood too forgetting that I grew up in the same house and we had a good childhood, yeah one of our parents died when we were young but the other parent did the best job they could and everything they did was for my sibling and I. We didn’t go without.

my sibling was warned they would loose their children too but didn’t take pay any attention to that. Children are both in their twenties now and speak to neither parent as alcoholic parent was abusive and the other one enabled the alcoholic.

please step in and help your niece, it’s one of my biggest regrets in life that I didn’t step in sooner.

I couldn’t care if my sibling wants to drink themselves to death but their children should have to suffer due to their actions.

your sibling needs to hit rock bottom before they will help themselves.

It doesn't matter how badly your sister reacts, you need to get your niece out of this awful, abusive, damaging environment.

Your mum and you both need to change your phone settings so that neither calls or texts can get through at night.

At the same time, your mum needs to be very strong and tell your sister to stop phoning and texting her at night. She must then ignore all calls and texts.

As social services are already involved, either you or your mum need to be really honest with them about what this all looks and feels like for your niece.

You cannot help your sister.

Your niece needs your protection.

My mom is going to speak to niece and offer her the room. I guess we can't make her leave can we but she isn't even going to school atm, due to anxiety and ongoing sen issues. So school isn't an issue right now. Not sure what else we can do ? No one from the ss has been in touch with my mum since they were called by the hospital.

Your mum needs to phone ss and update them.

If your niece is perceived to be at risk, she can be removed from the home to a place of safety.

You're making the classic mistake of trying to be rational with a person who is irrational and pissed to boot. You're not going to get ANYWHERE with her so save your energy.

You CAN help your niece so concentrate on her. Your sister will have to sink or start swimming - stay pissed or take steps to get sober - and absolutely no-one but her can choose which.

Support your Mum because this will be hard on all of you, but particularly her and your niece.

One thing you can all do, though it will horrify you, is to block her numbers so she can't ring any of you. Your niece could let the Police know that she's going to live with her GM because her Mum's a raging alcoholic and she's being neglected. Then if sister calls Police to complain her daughter has been "taken away" they'll have the real situation on file.

I really do understand how hard that would be, but she's got to fight for herself and 100% of her energy should be dedicated to getting sober permanently. You can help her by leaving her standing alone. It's the greatest gift you could give.

You've hit the nail on the head and don't know why I've only just seen that myself!!! She isn't rational so of course she isn't going to take anything I say in is she, it's clear now it's been wrote down... she has made me feel so crazy and literally doubting myself, reading back messages I've sent thinking well have I said something wrong?

Of course - and whenever you speak with her she's drunk so will come out with all kinds of nonsense! She starts drinking the moment she wakes and continues all her waking moments so you can disregard everything she says.

Now stand united with your Mum, be brave and block sis from your phones. If she comes to your houses drunk and abusive don't hesitate to call the Police.

You want to help her - this is how you can.

I am in recovery and have watched a close friend die of alcoholism.

Generally, alcoholics need to admit defeat before they accept help.

That means hitting 'rock bottom' as a wake up call to sort their shit out, basically.

The longer they can pretend that they're ok /
coping etc the longer they keep on drinking and the more damage they do to themselves and others around them.

You will be helping her - and your Mum, and you, and your niece - by making sure she faces fully and quickly the natural consequences of her drinking. So block her, help get her niece out of there.

I would also speak to niece's school. Ask to speak to designated safeguarding lead. They should take her situation very seriously and will be able to liaise with SS.
I hope niece accepts offer of a room from your mum.

I'm my experience not a lot. Does she accept she has a problem? Support your niece . The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and disengage from your sister. I know it's difficult to pull back but she won't change without accepting that she's an alcoholic and seeking help for herself .

She has accepted she has a problem, but I feel she isn't actually ready. She said to me she told the dr about her drinking because she knew she was getting to a point of never being able to drink again, and that isn't what she wants, she wants to be able to take it and leave it. Have a drink when she feels like it.
I told her to mention that to her support worker once she is assigned one and see what they think of that plan. I think we all know what they will tell her don't we, not possible.

I think once you've reached the point you're drinking strong cider for breakfast you will never be a take it or leave it drinker.
She is just continuing to delude herself that she can just be a 'normal' social drinker.
I agree with everyone else, focus on your niece, the poor girl's life has been completely fucked up by her mother so far, she isn't even getting an education.
Get her out of her mother's house and back on track at school/college and leave your sibling to sort themselves out.

Yeah, I'm afraid she's still deeply in denial because she's absolutely an alcoholic and will never, ever have a "normal" relationship with it.

She'll be terrified at the prospect of never drinking again because it is the most important thing in her life. More than her child.

She needs to get down to rock bottom so all she has in her life is the drink. No-one around her giving support. She needs to get to the point when she realises that she has a choice to make- the Drink or everything else. She can have one or the other, but not both.

My DH is an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink since 30th October 2024 because he was hospitalised on 31st and is at end stage liver disease with a prognosis of a couple of years to live. Its too late for him.

I agree with BMW6. Stop trying to help your Sister. In fact do yourself a favour and block her for a while. Nothing you do will be right so stop trying.

Your niece needs help. Get her a safe place to stay. Let your Sister kick off and she if she turns up wherever your niece is staying you need to call the police. Protecting an alcoholic from consequences does not help. Nothing helps until they are ready and you can't make them ready. Even when they are ready the responsibility is all theirs.

Alcoholics frequently threaten to end their own lives and because it's such a miserable problem to live with many if them actually do but that is not your responsibility. I'm being blunt because it's necessary and you may have to accept the worst possible outcome.

All your family members would benefit from Al Anon, I'm not sure about their policy for minors, but you can call their helpline and ask. Your niece will find much needed support from other people who have dealt with the traumatising effects of living with an active alcoholic. I am sorry you're all going through this.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

Focus your energy where it's most useful; that's with your niece, not your Sister.

So myself and my mom have both had messages apologising. Haven't replied. Should I ?!

Niece doesn't want to stay anywhere else because she'll be bored...

The niece has to choose to live elsewhere, which will be hard for her. Just like @justneedsomesoundadvice her feelings towards the alcoholic person will be very complex and she may not at the moment be able to see what is staring her in the face.

I think all you can do is explain to the 15 year old that you and your mum are worried about her, love her and that she has a safe place to go to at your mums if she ever feels too alone or scared where she is.

You and your mum need to detach emotionally from the alcoholic. Personally I would go low contact rather than no contact. But definitely switch your phones off at night, she will soon get the message that neither of you will ever be responding to her overnight.

Yep pack the poor kid off to boarding school that will solve the problem. Meanwhile back in the real world if it was in my power I'd get my niece out of there and offer her a stable environment. Its not her fault her mum is addicted. I'd support my sister by supporting her to meetings but she has to want to do this herself.

I totally agree it's not the niece's fault that her mum is an addict. I also agree that ideally she would live with another family member, but if that's not possible (which sadly in the "real world" it isn't always) then boarding school would be a far, far more stable environment than living with her addicted mum.

Your niece is 15 and should not be at home alone with an alcoholic, when it is impacting her to the extent that she is skipping school and having a serious impact on her MH. Soc Servs sound as rubbish as they usually are - they should be ensuring she is safe. The best place for her would be to stay with her GM, but if that isn’t an option, they should be placing her in foster care. Your niece must be everyone’s priority.

As for your sister - there really is nothing anyone can do for an alcoholic. Until they reach their rock bottom and seek help themselves, any attempt to help them is futile, I’m afraid. They will lie through their teeth to Drs, soc serv, and everyone else to downplay their consumption. For your own sake, disengage from her as much as possible and focus on supporting your niece who is still a child.

I think I'm just done. I can't keep going around in circles. She brings literally nothing to my life apart from drama, I don't need that shit, I've got my own family and my own issues in life to deal with.
I'm sick of being used as her verbal punchbag, having things I've told her in confidence in the past used against me.
She isn't ready to fully battle the problem she has, to think she is only asking for help so that she doesn't get to the point of not being able to drink is just laughable really, you're drinking in the morning and think you can have a healthy relationship with alcohol, seriously ?! I would love to hear what the alcohol support service have to say about that.

I am going to fully be there for my niece and nephews, let niece know we're always here if she needs to get away at any time, to talk, support etc. But as far as my relationship with my sister goes, well there isn't one anymore and there hasn't been for a long time.
I have a one year old, she has never even met them! What does that say.