DH rushing us when there’s no need

[everygreenleaf]

DH gets in an anxious rush when he/we leave the house, even if we aren’t running late. He fusses and rushes us. I know getting kids out the door isn’t easy.

He also seems to need a detailed plan of our free time when sometimes we need a loose one and to go with the flow.

I’ve asked him to relax. He does it even when he’s not coming with us (then I have to deal with the kids worrying in the car that we are gonna be late even when I know we are early/on time).

Anyone else’s partner do this? Anxiety? Wasn’t like this pre-kids.

Have you spoken to him about this OP? Not at the time when things are already a bit stressful, but later on when you are both calmer. Maybe he doesn't realise he's doing it?

He doesn’t realise. We’ve spoken about it several times before and he says he won’t do it.

He says he doesn’t do it.

You might need to say in the moment then 'This is that thing you do that I've mentioned, and it's making us all more stressed'

E.g.
I drive kids to school.
He’s about to step out the door for the gym but decides he wants to wait to leave at the exact time we leave for school because he wants to say goodbye.
Kids don’t need to be ready yet, actually got about 10 mins before we need to go plus I’m not ready.
He is grabbing his bag all the while asking them questions and telling them get shoes coat on etc
Kids get shoes on speed out the door and try to get in car on drive thinking they are running late. One panicking. One doesn’t know where coat is.
He’s trying to do 2 things at once.
Leave himself and organising them to leave when it’s not actually time.
I spoke to him about it and he says he wasn’t rushing them, he just wanted to say goodbye.

Sounds like I’m nitpicking but when it’s most mornings and I have to drive onto a busy road.

Stop pussy footing around being polite and tell him in no uncertain terms to "stop fucking doing that" and mean it!

I have done. Today and in previous conversations. We’ve agreed routines in the past. He doesn’t realise. He tries to do 2 things at once in a hurry.

If in that instance you're in charge of getting the kids to school, while he goes to the gym, just tell him to stop interfering, say goodbye to the kids and leave YOU to finish getting them ready. If he carries on interfering, say 'this is what I told you about, you're interfering and making everyone stressed, where if you just say goodbye and go, everyone will be fine. Now say goodbye and GO before I lose my shit!!'

This sounds super irritating and would drive me mad.

If he's not aware of it first step is to draw his attention to it as pp says.

'i feel rushed, why are you rushing us?'

Of course he realises if you tell him. Just keep telling him.

I had a father like this, and it's an unbelievably depressing way to grow up. One of my main memories is him getting us everywhere absolutely ages before whatever it was happened -- like we would regularly get to the theatre before the external doors even opened and have to stand outside, and even then he'd worry about not getting to our seats on time, so we'd be standing outside the auditorium door half an hour before we were allowed in.

He's still doing it. He was picking DS up to go to an event that started at 11, a ten-minute drive away. I suggested he pick him up at 10.35, and he agreed. I reiterated it several times. He still showed up at our house at 9.45, before DS was even awake, and then nearly went nuts when DS insisted on eating breakfast before they left.

He is impulsive in other ways so I don’t know if he’s impatient or if it is some sort of anxiety. I am starting to tell him to back off with it because it can get tiring constantly being on a schedule for everything for no reason.

Every man I have ever had in my life (dad, brother, a son, 1 DH and 1 ex DH) have all been like this to some degree. As soon as they are ready they've started aggitating to get out the door. The comments have ranged from "are you ready yet" every five minutes (like a riff on "are we there yet" from a child) to pacing around whilst huffing and sighing. Just to clarify, I am rarely ever late for anything and I hate being late.

It's the opposite way round in our household, DH is never ready.

I finally discovered that patiently saying, "Is there anything I can do to help you get out of the door faster?" was more helpful to everyone. Now they either hurry up without starting an argument or give me a practical task to do which cuts down their list.

I couldn’t stand him.

it's what dads do...

With the getting out the door to school example you could say I’ve asked you a few times not to do this. It means I have rushed stressed kids while I’m trying to get them to school. This is really disrespectful of the time I put in every morning getting them to school. Next time you do that, I will drive off on my own and you will just have to move your morning around and take your stressed upset children to school. (or I will go back inside and start my work, if you feel confident you won’t back down).

Its not what dads do.

“I need to say goodbye” sounds like a kind of unconscious issue with leave taking. I would be curious as to what his embedded memories are of his father leaving him without saying a proper goodbye and reassuring him that father would come back? Maybe he is unconsciously repeating (doing and undoing) a very formative experience.

If I were tackling this with a toddler I would structure a morning goodbye ritual so he could get away to the gym and leave you to manage the morning ritual yourself as you please.

His father left when he was a toddler. He is a very devoted Dad.

We have agreed before that it’s nice to have a goodbye hug with Daddy (he wfh/gym) then I’ll get them out the door and into the car. Simpler that way.

It always reverts back to him doing 3 things at once. Telling them what to do, hurrying them up when not needed and trying to get himself ready. Plus them getting mixed messages about who to listen to as I’m saying things like:

It’s actually not time to go yet.
Hang on, I’m not quite ready yet.
We haven’t checked we’ve got everything yet.

We are all on top of each other.

Let him take them to school instead of going to the gym.

He'll soon see when he rocks up early

Yes, Dh does this. He’s genuinely a really good guy. But is such an intense people pleaser that we must be everywhere early (something in his childhood meant early = good) and he is quite socially anxious. He is the child of an alcoholic(s) and had to assume a lot of responsibility for parenting his parents and himself as a child because they weren’t able to. Oddly, it bubbles over into behaviours like this. It’s really annoying because I am very laidback. Basically, I tell him to chill out if he’s not even coming with us. If he is, great, he can then get everyone and everything sorted to make it happen.

Tell the children to just ignore him when he's like this.

There's a few posters seeming to imply that this is just what dads do and 'he's a really nice guy'.

IMO this is typical male behaviour, it's about control and people doing what they want when they want. Many men are just self centred.

My DH does this - always asks if I'm ready when he knows I'm not. I just simply tell him in a bored voice that I'm not and he knows I'm not, often I'll tell him to just go on.

You've explained to your DH and he is choosing to ignore you. In this situation I would completely ignore him and speak to the children, telling them loudly that you are not late and will be leaving in x minutes when
Mummy is ready. If he carried in I would loudly tell him to stop interfering and leave the children alone.

whenever he is ready to go to the gym, shove him out the door and lock it!

He wants to make out he is part of the school run while simultaneously getting in the way and leaving you to it to go to the gym. He knows exactly what he's doing but he likes to think he's helping you so he can tick off that he's helped before sloping off to the gym. Tell him to either stay and take the children tk school or leave after a quick goodbye.