DH rushing us when there’s no need

[everygreenleaf]

DH gets in an anxious rush when he/we leave the house, even if we aren’t running late. He fusses and rushes us. I know getting kids out the door isn’t easy.

He also seems to need a detailed plan of our free time when sometimes we need a loose one and to go with the flow.

I’ve asked him to relax. He does it even when he’s not coming with us (then I have to deal with the kids worrying in the car that we are gonna be late even when I know we are early/on time).

Anyone else’s partner do this? Anxiety? Wasn’t like this pre-kids.

One of my sons is like this. Everything rushed and at warp speed. He has corking ADHD and autism. If he’s not has his ADHD meds he’s miles worse.

Sounds like he has anxiety issues - I can be a bit like that! I’d he’s anything like me, it’s because I am
always scared things will go wrong and generally suffer from anxiety. The more sense of control I have the better I feel, although of course I know it’s an illusion and really is about me. What helps me is if DH remains calm and just says something like “I’ve got this” or gives me a hug, something to physically calm my nervous system. He doesn’t do it a lot and it’s something we can also argue about. He isn’t always able to. What he does instead which is second best is to just remove himself from the situation - eg goes to anther room or go and wait in the car for us all to get ready.

Sounds a bit like my Dad. My Dad very obviously had anxiety, which centres on time keeping, both his own and other people’s.

The problem is he doesn’t acknowledge it’s anxiety and therefore doesn’t do anything about it. He thinks he’s objectively justified to always be rushing people, whereas actually it makes it more difficult for me to get ready (if he happens ti be there/ we’re getting ready to leave their house etc) because it distracts me from the job in hand!

My DH does this. I used to point out to him tbh at despite him not being on my life for many years before we met, I somehow managed to make flights/trains/appointments on time.

It can to a head one family holiday where he was so bad harassing everyone to be ready to leave I lost my shit and told him he was sucking the joy out of what was supposed to be an exciting day and that I wasn't sure I actually wanted to go anywhere with him at that point! It hit home.

These days it's less of an issue. Partly because he's mellowed a bit (he still does it just less irritatingly), partly because I've mellowed a bit and just take the piss when he gets like this rather than get angry, and partly because most of the time it's just me and him now as the DC have grown up.

My adult son who has ASD and ADHD is like this. It drives us bonkers. He constantly agitates about being late ages before we have to leave. He's now at uni (and when we're home he doesn't go many places with us) but he still comes on holiday with us.

He will do stuff like taking bags out to the car before we've finished putting stuff in them. Last time he "helpfully" offered to book the taxi to the airport but then told us it was booked half an hour earlier than it actually was so we were all hanging around in the hallway like a load of limp dicks. Then when we get there (with loads of time) it will be "oh no, there's a queue, oh god" <paces back and forth> If we want to get a coffee before security (loads of time) he'll be almost apoplectic. If you've seen those tiktoks about "Airport Dads" it's a bit like that except we've got an Airport Son.

There's nothing we can do about it, i don't think he can change.

Join the party! My late OH drew a flow diagram of our wedding - I should have realised in that moment what I was taking on!!!

That's so funny! 😂

When he does it, sit down. Quietly sit and say, "DH you're doing it. We aren't in a hurry and I'm sitting here until I'm ready to go." And just sit there. Exuding clam at the children. If they look anxious, "lovey, does mummy look worried? We have plenty of time" and sit there.

Your calm will juxtapose with his frantic nonsense.

My ex was like this. Anxious about leaving, anxious and irritable no one was ready at the snap of his fingers. Yet only focused on getting himself out the door and seemed utterly confused that the children hadn’t sorted themselves nor me who was actually doing 50 things at once rather than noticing them and just getting stompy footed about it. Strange how many of us have known men who get like this.

He can get a flowery lanyard, which will fast track him through the queues. The passenger-assist desk can also help, they can point out quiet areas and issue lanyards etc. I got one for my son and it’s amazing. The aircraft staff made sure he got a seat right next to the boarding gate, and that he boarded first and was fast tracked through passport control. He loves being treated like a VIP!

I think a previous poster might have nailed it. Does he feel guilty about going to the gym? Are you taking the kids to school and then going to work? If he's a 'good dad' does he feel like he's skiving parenting skipping out the door to the gym before the kids have left for school? I suspect he is under the mistaken impression he's doing his bit to get the kids to school. Would it be different if he had to leave much earlier for something else like work?

But surely coats, bags, shoes should be done 10 minutes before you need to leave - if not more. Because you've just said they can't find their coats and shoes they've then got 10 minutes to find them. If you don't tell them until you need to leave then you'll be late?

Coats, bags, lunches and shoes on as soon as we got dressed after breakfast was always a rule!

OP, he is inducing anxiety in you and the children.
He needs to be sat down and really told to back off and that you will not allow him to abuse, control and bully you all.
Abuse sounds like a strong word but this is ALL about him and his needs being met.

The kids are going to school with elevated stress levels which is not good.
You do not want this so needlessly for your children.
You do not want anxious children hitting their teens.
Elevated needless stress is becoming a norm for your children because of him.
Not good.

So you sit there for 10 minutes in your coat with a bag on and carrying a lunch before you need to leave? That sounds ridiculous. We have coats bags lunches and shoes near the door. Takes 2 minutes to pick up all that stuff. Can't imagine sitting for 10 minutes with a coat on before leaving.

If those things aren't ready, Perhaps he could helpfully arrange coats, lunches, shoes and bags himself during this last 10 minutes, so the kids can find them when they need them. Rather than panicking and rushing everyone. This will give him something practical to do while waiting.

My first thought was ADHD/ASD, which then a couple of people have also said is a trait in their diagnosed children. My partner has adhd & time-blindness is a trait. He's always late but I wonder if in some people it comes out as anxiety about getting somewhere on time as they can't quite understand the time needed to do something so it turns to panic. Just a thought.

And to add that my OH can get himself places on time when he really needs to but it is a big effort that doesn't come easily.

The stress & anxiety getting out the door would really drive me nuts. I think I prefer the lateness (most of the time!).

Yes, this.

Or to make it more fun, when your husband starts fussing shout, stop drop and roll and you all get on the floor until he stops 😂

Best life is without them at our homes, always has been, always will be.
😁

I do this. I get very anxious about tine keeping and get worked up if people aren't ready to leave.

Also not having some kind of plan for free time annoys me a lot. I need some idea in my head about how the day will go and just sitting is torturous. Today for example I have planned each room I will clean, 40 mins set aside to catch up with work emails, play a game with my son, reading homework, 4 loads of washing to get through etc etc.

I suspect I have ADHD and ASC but not diagnosed (dc are though so it's not without foundation)

My dh does this , even goes out to the car and sits with reserve gear.. ready so he can put foot down as soon as we get in.
I’ve told him it’s ridiculous but continues. Children have been advised by me simply to ignore, we are not in a rush and we will get out the door when we can.
i don’t know what it is but its a prime reason for some reconstruction of the patio out the back ..

he sounds anxious. A friend of mine was married to someone who becmae
anxious when the kids were born and as he refused to deal with it - and it was a big problem - he is now her ex.

I think if it causes you proper problems then you need to tell him to get some help and deal with it.

Am I missing something?

If he is going to the gym, why can't he take the kids to school first? Then he can work out for himself what time to leave after standing in a cold playground for 15 minutes.

He’s a generous and loving person who always wants to make sure everyone is sorted.

This rushing everyone has only been on school mornings recently but I’ve had a word as we do need to be starting the journey as calmly as possible (and their school day of course). I’ve told him not to hurry us along unnecessarily when we aren’t late. If we are running late then fair enough!

I also tell the children we are not late or in a rush and Mummy will let them know if we are.

I think you need to decide whose job getting out on time is and then they do what they need to. Avoids miscommunication and misunderstanding.

This sounds so annoying 😂