Would this be a silly thing to do?

Teaandcakewillmake · 2025-02-14T07:48:17+00:00

To message an ex who dumped me suddenly, coldly and nastily 3.5 years ago, to wish him a happy retirement. I haven't seen him but bumped into his sister in supermarket and she told me he retired early January. I'm generally a nice person, don't hold grudges; on the one hand he hurt me a lot but would this be a nice thing to do or should I remain disappeared from his life?

Original poster

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 07:49

Poll should be -
AIBU don't contact
AINBU contact

OP posts:

username299 · 14/02/2025 07:51

It's a good rule in life to be nice to yourself too. He treated you really badly and doesn't deserve your time. Move on and keep away from people who don't care about you.

zazazoop · 14/02/2025 07:52

Don't bother it will just mess with your head

Eenameenadeeka · 14/02/2025 07:52

Id leave it, doesn't sound like anything good to come from it.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 14/02/2025 07:53

Why would you even bother? You'll look like a doormat if you do whatever your thinking or intentions.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2025 07:53

Urgh, no!

31stJune1973 · 14/02/2025 07:53

It sounds like a pointless thing to do. He dumped you coldly and nastily so he clearly doesn't value you; why would he value your good wishes?

If you genuinely wish him well, presumably you are giving him the credit of being a fundamentally decent human being, in which case being reminded of someone he treated badly isn't going to bring him pleasure.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2025 07:53

It’s unhealthy to consider it IMO

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/02/2025 07:54

Why bother?

He sounds horrible.

HappyAsASandboy · 14/02/2025 07:54

Don't message him. What would be the benefit to you?

I think the only person who benefits from you messaging is him. Someone who hurt you by finishing things in a cold way. He'd get an ego boost that you're still thinking about him, and he'd get confirmation that he is absolutely fine to treat people coldly because it obviously doesn't affect them.

The outcome of the message for you will either be that he replies and you are drawn into a conversation (or more) with a man who isn't kind, or that he replies and you decide not to message again and feel guilty that you started a conversation and then stopped it, or that he doesn't reply and you're left wondering why.

All negative outcomes for you, and all positive outcomes for him. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

chelseahealyslips · 14/02/2025 07:54

Ask yourself this, is it going to add anything, at all, to your life moving forward?

Togglebullets · 14/02/2025 07:55

Of course you shouldn't. Why would you?! He clearly doesn't want you in his life so why would he want to hear from you?

And what would you get out of it? I assume you're still pining after him?

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 14/02/2025 07:55

You’re looking for an excuse to be in touch with him. Don’t do it.

Itisbetter · 14/02/2025 07:55

Absolutely not.

Original poster

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 07:55

HappyAsASandboy · 14/02/2025 07:54

Don't message him. What would be the benefit to you?

I think the only person who benefits from you messaging is him. Someone who hurt you by finishing things in a cold way. He'd get an ego boost that you're still thinking about him, and he'd get confirmation that he is absolutely fine to treat people coldly because it obviously doesn't affect them.

The outcome of the message for you will either be that he replies and you are drawn into a conversation (or more) with a man who isn't kind, or that he replies and you decide not to message again and feel guilty that you started a conversation and then stopped it, or that he doesn't reply and you're left wondering why.

All negative outcomes for you, and all positive outcomes for him. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Great advice - thank you.

OP posts:

Icequeen01 · 14/02/2025 07:57

I think you need to ask yourself honestly what is really behind this. Is it that this was unfinished business and you are hoping that he might contact you and might apologise and give you some answers after all these years. I'm sure you are a nice person but sometimes we have to ask ourselves what we might subconsciously be looking for.

Original poster

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 07:58

Okay, so the general consensus is not to, which I know is for the best. Just a silly thing that popped into my head.

I am definitely not pining after him. I'm really happy being single and would never in a million years go back there.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2025 07:58

Why do you think this would be a nice thing to do?

You don't have to hold grudges to have a bit of self espect.

Bluntly, he doesn't give a shit about you. If an ex of years ago, who I'd treated badly and had no contact with for years contacted me out of the blue to wish me a happy anything, I'd wonder why they had so little going on in their life for me to be of any significance to them tbh. Just leave him alone.

zzpleb · 14/02/2025 07:58

It would be odd to contact anyone to wish them a happy retirement, unless they were actually a colleague.

Chuchoter · 14/02/2025 07:58

You have not seen him in years so no it would be a very odd thing to do and looks like you are some desperado from the past hoping he I'll throw you a few crumbs.

jeaux90 · 14/02/2025 08:01

Us women are bred to "be kind" even to our own detriment.

Hard no from me.
No quarter given.

WhingeInTheWillows · 14/02/2025 08:01

If someone I used to date got back in touch for no reason I would assume they were trying to get back with me.

PurpleThistle7 · 14/02/2025 08:01

Why?

Edenmum2 · 14/02/2025 08:02

Why would you? Do you want him back?

SoftPillow · 14/02/2025 08:02

Why would you do this? Do you fancy some drama or want to poke old wounds?