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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a silly thing to do?

50 replies

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 07:48

To message an ex who dumped me suddenly, coldly and nastily 3.5 years ago, to wish him a happy retirement.

I haven't seen him but bumped into his sister in supermarket and she told me he retired early January.

I'm generally a nice person, don't hold grudges; on the one hand he hurt me a lot but would this be a nice thing to do or should I remain disappeared from his life?

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 14/02/2025 08:08

Jesus Christ no. But you know that.

pearbottomjeans · 14/02/2025 08:09

To message an ex who dumped me suddenly, coldly and nastily

And you want him to know you’re thinking about him because…..??

Togglebullets · 14/02/2025 08:12

jeaux90 · 14/02/2025 08:01

Us women are bred to "be kind" even to our own detriment.

Hard no from me.
No quarter given.

I wouldn't even argue it's 'kind' to contact someone who presumably wouldn't want to hear from you.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2025 08:15

Togglebullets · 14/02/2025 08:12

I wouldn't even argue it's 'kind' to contact someone who presumably wouldn't want to hear from you.

Show quote history

I agree but for some people (women) it becomes such a habit that they feel bad or that they're doing something wrong if they're not prostrating themselves at the feet of someone else (usually a man).

There's an ssumption that the other person will think, "Oh what a lovely and thoughtful thing to do!" When, in reality, they are more likely to think WTF?!

It's not the first time I've seen a thread on MN where a woman asks similar.

Tapofthemorning · 14/02/2025 09:59

Make a list of all his bad points. Then all your good points. Then distract yourself. Then think about it again and DON'T DO IT.

Tapofthemorning · 14/02/2025 10:03

P.S I've been in your virtual position and contacted him. I didn't hate myself, I have enough self compassion, but it didn't achieve anything. So, honestly - and I mean this kindly, there's no point. Who gives a fuck if he has a nice retirement? Stop giving him headspace he isn't giving you and, frankly, doesn't deserve.

LadyKenya · 14/02/2025 10:13

Tapofthemorning · 14/02/2025 09:59

Make a list of all his bad points. Then all your good points. Then distract yourself. Then think about it again and DON'T DO IT.

Or just don't give it any more head space than you have already OP.

Original poster

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 11:55

Thanks, all. Can't argue with 99% saying do not contact.

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 14/02/2025 12:06

Why would you? He doesn't care what you think about his retirement. He's not going to think 'Oh, how nice that the woman I didn't want in my life is wishing me well.'

You really sound like you're just desperately looking for an excuse to contact him to be honest, just to prove that you're the better person. What you should really be doing is not giving this man who dumped you four years ago a second thought.

Burntcoat · 14/02/2025 12:14

I'd be asking myself serious questions about why you're so invested in this 'nice', non-grudge-holding vision of yourself to the extent of contacting someone who dumped you unpleasantly three and a half years ago and who will not likely give a shiny shite about your good wishes for his retirement.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 14/02/2025 12:22

Loopytiles · 14/02/2025 07:53

It’s unhealthy to consider it IMO

This. It's really odd that the thought even entered your head to be honest.

Tapofthemorning · 14/02/2025 14:27

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 14/02/2025 12:22

This. It's really odd that the thought even entered your head to be honest.

Show quote history

It's not really odd and saying so is mean. Hurt can linger. I don't think you should contact him btw - I think that's unhealthy - but I don't think you should listen to these comments. You have my compassion.

GroovyChick87 · 14/02/2025 14:29

Don't, you'll regret it. It's a bit of a weird thing to do and he'll be smug in the knowledge that he's still on your mind.

TuesdayRubies · 14/02/2025 14:30

It would be a very odd thing to do.

coxesorangepippin · 14/02/2025 14:31

Oh god just rise above it

CremeEggThief · 14/02/2025 14:33

You must still have feelings for him to even want to do this. Don't act on them!

5128gap · 14/02/2025 14:34

To put it very bluntly, when people dump other people coldly and nastily and never contact them again, they clearly want the person to stay dumped. So it's highly possible he wouldn't even see it as a 'nice' thing, as much as an 'oh no, her again' thing. That's without taking into account the fact that there is absolutely no benefit to you in being nice to him. There must be plenty of other people you could be nice to who would deserve it and appreciate it more if being nice is your thing.

MrBiscuits24 · 14/02/2025 14:34

I’ve never voted on a 100% poll before 🤣🤣
Hopefully that gives you a clear answer!

Don’t look in the rear view mirror.

Valkyrie3 · 14/02/2025 14:35

Would this be a silly thing to do?
Unanimous YES.

outerspacepotato · 14/02/2025 14:36

Why would you bother?

Why are you still giving this guy headspace after 3 and a half years? He dumped you. Why would you think he wants to hear from you?

KrisAkabusi · 14/02/2025 14:44

Teaandcakewillmake · 14/02/2025 11:55

Thanks, all. Can't argue with 99% saying do not contact.

It's now 100%. Whoever voted to contact has changed their minds!

JHound · 14/02/2025 14:45

Why?

Why bother?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/02/2025 14:47

Do not contact him.

Tapofthemorning · 14/02/2025 18:05

This is a case of unhealed wounds and unanswered questions, surely? If someone you love and are with for a long time abruptly ends things and goes cold - effectively changing overnight - it can be devastating. You're left with a sort of grief. I'm not saying contact him, please don't, but it can be hard to find 'closure' - to use an Americanism. You have to resolve your feelings yourself, as there's no 'normal' breakup. No kindness was shown to you. I believe you that you don't want to get back with him, but I do think you need to work out why you seek out contact. His behaviour is, ultimately, all the closure you need. I think the challenge is making peace with that.

Neckandarmpain · 15/02/2025 00:36

I'd leave him be and wouldn't give him another thought. The meeting with his sister has probably put him into your head. Keep your silence and dignity

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