Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

34 replies

40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:37

My husband has not spoken properly to me in 57 days …

we are together 14 years but married less than a year; house , cat, two kids.
apparently i did something on the 18th dec, no idea what. Christmas was ruined and my 40th bday. While he got me a lovely 40th present (family trip to new york ) there was no love around it - only getting kids to give to me. I have tried to ask him several times (i have mainly text) as communication is poor: he has ignored. We will talk about our son with additional needs that is it

we have never gone 57 days not talking. I was shocked when i asked alexa. We have slept in separate beds for years so i manage kids and work and he works away. Again away tonight no contact. Would you think another woman??? I see he is still wearinf his weddinf rinf ; i winder why tbh

OP posts:
username299 · 14/02/2025 00:39

Is this common? Does he often give you the silent treatment? What's he normally like?

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 00:40

How did you manage Christmas? You say it was ruined, didn't that upset your child? Didn't that bother your husband?

Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:40

Also sons additional needs dont affect him at all. Its me mainly and school.

my mum is going through cancer treatment.

we make pleasantries around kids so not toxic but he very much works and comes ans goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:44

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 00:40

How did you manage Christmas? You say it was ruined, didn't that upset your child? Didn't that bother your husband?

Edited

It was pleasant for kids. Got a peck on the lips for a really expensive and thoughtful gift i thought he would love.

he has started a new job with tons of stress so i dont try to talk to him about anything other than kids as he will ignore. On my 40th my sister called out and stayed the night - he went to bed at 8pm
barelt said two words, sister commented he seemed angry, i dont tell her about him

OP posts:
Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:44

For my christmas and bday ruined , not for kids

OP posts:
Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:44

username299 · 14/02/2025 00:39

Is this common? Does he often give you the silent treatment? What's he normally like?

Yes he has but maybe a week! Not 2 months!??

OP posts:
snowlady4 · 14/02/2025 00:46

I find this bizarre.. sad... confusing.
Can you live like this? Do you want to?
2 months of ignoring you and you don't know why? Is it abusive/controlling behaviour do you think?
What are you getting from this relationship?
I think you need to stop worrying about him, other women and what you might have 'done/said' to cause this. L- and focus on you and your happiness. How dare he do this to you.
He sounds like a giant baby who is being very selfish and can't communicate.
If he won't communicate I think I would seriously think about leaving.
Sorry to hear you're not getting support regarding your Mum.. that is awful and some would think unforgivable.
Can you go an stay with her for a bit?

Eenameenadeeka · 14/02/2025 00:49

i would leave, this sounds absolutely miserable and hardly a relationship. Not what you want to model to your children either.

DoloresODonovan · 14/02/2025 00:49

he is heading for the door,
18 December would be when he made the decision,
if it was truly something you had said or done he would have dealt with it,
not have the mystery festering for 57 days
ie this sounds as though you are being punoshed for something you have not done - classic transference and projection

Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:49

snowlady4 · 14/02/2025 00:46

I find this bizarre.. sad... confusing.
Can you live like this? Do you want to?
2 months of ignoring you and you don't know why? Is it abusive/controlling behaviour do you think?
What are you getting from this relationship?
I think you need to stop worrying about him, other women and what you might have 'done/said' to cause this. L- and focus on you and your happiness. How dare he do this to you.
He sounds like a giant baby who is being very selfish and can't communicate.
If he won't communicate I think I would seriously think about leaving.
Sorry to hear you're not getting support regarding your Mum.. that is awful and some would think unforgivable.
Can you go an stay with her for a bit?

Unfortunately not they live too far away.
he hasn’t asked once about my mum and didn’t visit over Christmas , told me “he didn’t want to” and I went with kids alone.
just feel he’s in a lot of hotel rooms with work that maybe another woman is on the cards

OP posts:
username299 · 14/02/2025 00:50

40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:44

Yes he has but maybe a week! Not 2 months!??

Show quote history

I'm asking to see if there's a pattern of behaviour. If he's acting completely out of character, then something could be wrong like depression but he seems to be acting in character.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. He's escalating. I'm wondering what the trigger was as he's punishing you. I imagine it's always you who apologises after one of his episodes.

Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:51

40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:49

Unfortunately not they live too far away.
he hasn’t asked once about my mum and didn’t visit over Christmas , told me “he didn’t want to” and I went with kids alone.
just feel he’s in a lot of hotel rooms with work that maybe another woman is on the cards

Show quote history

I only have one real friend that lives here (one other who has moved abroad) as I am quite introverted. She still lives in my parents town.

i have asked her and she says to speak to him but he refuses to reply to me…
57 days later! We annoy each other as my circle is small and he’s stressed but I can’t imagine I’ve done anything to warrant this

OP posts:
SunnyViper · 14/02/2025 00:51

Well this relationship is clearly over

Frillysweetpea · 14/02/2025 00:52

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. What were the circumstances of your marriage? I just find it odd you can have been together so long, made the commitment of marriage and now this...
What has been your communication style in the past; how do you resolve disagreements normally?

Fraaances · 14/02/2025 00:55

I would be getting the paperwork to a solicitor ASAP. I assume with that kind of power sulk, he’s developed an over-inflated ego as a result of the new job and has decided to be resentful that he’s “saddled with you” instead of some flash eye candy at work that he feels entitled to. Liberate the arsehole, let him get shot down and wallow in rejection. (Despite you attempting to discuss this like a civilized human being it will come as a shock to him because he has lost any interests in your thoughts or feelings.)

Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:56

I’ve just started ignoring back (not in a nasty way) but else can I do? I have asked several times can we move past whatever I’ve done but he’s never replied to my message.
still wearing his ring?

in terms of wedding he organised a small wedding for our families only last year. I would say nearly all him.
i did put a mammogram into the family calender and he messaged me why I was having this - that’s it. I feel I’m becoming abusive by ignoring but what else do I do? I will talk in front of kids but can’t make conversation anymore ?

keep thinking he’s away with another woman or something tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 01:00

Just to mention in this time my mum has moved from chemotherapy to radiation he knows nothing of this. He didn’t ask me how me and the kids were seeing my mum with no hair etc which was very emotional for me and my other child

OP posts:
DoloresODonovan · 14/02/2025 01:05

OP is your husband much older than you

Dodgyshoulder · 14/02/2025 01:08

Refuses to speak to you? 57 days? Sorry I would be sending him a text/ letter to let him know I want a divorce. This is emotional abuse.

Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 01:09

DoloresODonovan · 14/02/2025 01:05

OP is your husband much older than you

No, I just turned 40 and he is 42 this year. Together since 26 and 28

OP posts:
Original poster
40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 01:13

Dodgyshoulder · 14/02/2025 01:08

Refuses to speak to you? 57 days? Sorry I would be sending him a text/ letter to let him know I want a divorce. This is emotional abuse.

Maybe he wants me to do it ?

witj the housing crisis and cost of living ; I don’t see us selling this house and going separately and he’s a great dad when he’s here (I know he’d never force a sale for kids sake) but I just know something has shifted. No sexual advances , no nothing. I see as well 18th dec was a Monday but that’s when I’m rushing around with kids activities.

but that’s when he stopped sending me stupid instagram posts etc So can clearly see

OP posts:
Wibblywobblybobbly · 14/02/2025 01:19

It sounds very much like he's seeing another woman but staying together with you "for the children". He's probably told her that you just have a platonic co-parenting relationship, and that's why the messages have changed to fit that narrative.

But do you want to be with someone that would treat you this way regardless?

ChellyT · 14/02/2025 02:10

40andstillfakingituntilimakeit · 14/02/2025 00:37

My husband has not spoken properly to me in 57 days …

we are together 14 years but married less than a year; house , cat, two kids.
apparently i did something on the 18th dec, no idea what. Christmas was ruined and my 40th bday. While he got me a lovely 40th present (family trip to new york ) there was no love around it - only getting kids to give to me. I have tried to ask him several times (i have mainly text) as communication is poor: he has ignored. We will talk about our son with additional needs that is it

we have never gone 57 days not talking. I was shocked when i asked alexa. We have slept in separate beds for years so i manage kids and work and he works away. Again away tonight no contact. Would you think another woman??? I see he is still wearinf his weddinf rinf ; i winder why tbh

Next time your husband has to go for work, change the locks, pack his bags and send his shit to his mother's or another relative/close friend. Life is too short to be dealing with your children and life along with that grown asshat!

Please consider yourself and your happiness 🌸 People who love and respect each other do not treat them so poorly!

redwitch5 · 14/02/2025 02:44

I'm going to chip in my 2 cents. 2 months is a long time to go without talking to you, does he talk to/with the kids? You might not be looking at a "another woman" situation. He could be stressed, overwhelmed or depressed. Is there a way to get just the two of you alone and say you've seen his distance, you're very concerned, is he alright, where do you go from here.
But it all sounds very upsetting and I hope your Mum does well with her treatment. 💐

Beebsta · 14/02/2025 02:57

I’m sorry, this is totally unacceptable. It’s emotional abuse from him. Quite frankly, it’s f*cking horrible. I’ve had this done to me for a few days, not 57 days. I would be done. You should not put up with it. Quite frankly it’s gone too far. I would not even bother issuing and ultimatum of speak to me or it’s over, it’s not recoverable from here. Tell him you’re done. You’re not putting up with this and he has effectively ended your marriage through his actions. Don’t put up with any BS of him trying to blame you for ending the marriage, he’s already done this.

you will figure out a way forward financially and home wise, many people have done before you and will do after you. Do not put up with this for the sake of keeping a stable home, it’s not stable. Get your ducks in a row and go out and have a happier life on your own.