To think you can still achieve things even if your progress is slower ? AIBU to find my friend's comment very rude ?

[PoppyMeadows]

My friend's child and my child have been attending the same swimming classes for years since they were about 4/5. It was to give them some basic life skills and so they can spend time together (they go to different schools). The kids are now 8 and a few months back her child progressed to the next more advanced stage and mine was left in the current swim group. They recently introduced swimming galas in our local swimming pool but only kids from her childs group and older are allowed to compete. Yesterday, my friend made a weird comment that one cannot become a competitive swimmer if at the age of 9 they are still not swimming full length /not competing and asked if I had considered any other sports for my child.

AIBU to think you can still improve and catch up at this age in sports with the right coaching and even if not, these expectations are not healthy for children ?

I think your outlook is much healthier for children than your friend’s.

The message that being anything less than the best is unacceptable and if you’re not there yet you may as well give up, is not a good one for children.

There is a reason every school teaches the fable of the tortoise and the hare!

Your children will grow up with resilience and a healthy attitude towards challenge💪

One if my DC loved competitive swimming - training several times a week, plus regular galas. Their sibling was a slow and steady learner and no interest in racing. Instead did rookie lifeguard course and then joined the lifesaving club and was an assistant teacher until moving away to university. Both are excellent swimmers just different pathways. I wouldn't give your 'friends' comment any head space.

She might be right. But who cares. Years of early starts to shave off a tenth of a second. Swim for fun. Enjoy being in the water. I say that as a former slightly obsessive swimmer.

Your child probably won't swim competitively. But they will continue to improve.
I learned to swim as a kid, and was fairly good, but not competition level.
I still swim now, in my late 30s, and it's brilliant for my physical and mental health and I enjoy it.

She's probably not wrong, if they can't swim a length after 4 years of lessons it's unlikely they'd be a competitive swimmer. But it does seem like an unnecessary and rude comment, they don't have to do it competitively if they are enjoying the lessons and learning new skills.

I think that what she said was harsh but not untrue. A talented child will take to their sport quickly - any of DD’s competitive swimmer friends were basically like fish from a very young age. Frankly if my child still couldn’t swim a length after 4 years of lessons then I’d be questioning what on earth I was paying for in terms of tuition and swiftly moving to a different (better!) swim school. Even from a basic water safety point of view it’s concerning that your DS hasn’t made any meaningful progress and I’m surprised that his coaches haven’t made any comments to you about this - it seems that there has been a failing on their part. Really within the first 6 months of lessons he should’ve been competent enough to swim a full length.

He’ll find his sport - swimming just isn’t the one. DD didn’t start horse riding until she was 12 and by age 16 she was competing (and winning) at a national level. I sound very cringe but it was clear from early on that this was her true, natural talent and she progressed very quickly. This was after years of being completely average at swimming, gymnastics, netball etc - she was firmly classed by her PE teachers as a not so sporty kid. It might take time but your DS will find his niche!

I think you have the right attitude.
I heard a mum friend worrying the other day that her 11-year-old was "behind in swimming". I don't think it's possible to be behind in swimming. You learn enough not to drown and you have fun in the water. You can't spoil a social swim for others by being crap at it the way you can with tennis.
I love swimming and I became a good swimmer during a period of unemployment in my twenties. We were taught to swim in primary school (not in the UK) and I'm really grateful that nobody seemed to care whether I was good or how fast I learned. It would have ruined it for me to have adults see it the way your friend does.

Well, she's not wrong, but she's a shit friend.

My daughter went to swim lessons as we viewed it as an essential life skill. She is a decent swimmer but age 8 or 9 all the joy of swimming lessons was taken away when galas and competitions were added in the mix. She just wanted to swim for fun and was also aware she wasn’t naturally gifted. So now we just go swimming as a family. She can now also surf and is learning to scuba dive as that’s what she wanted out of learning to swimming. Her best friend carried on and is doing very well in the swim competitions and loves it but the training times are brutal. My daughter does another sport competitively and even at national level it’s nothing like swimming 👍 I agree with others as a parent you dodged a bullet.

As for your friend- that sounded like not a nice dig. We are happy for daughters friend and we have gone to galas to support her but her mum hasn’t made competitive digs and soured a friendship. The girls are friends not clones of each other.

Yes swimming is how I keep fit and relax. I was never a competitive swimmer as a child but can still enjoy the benefits of swimming my whole life.

To me it is a mix a of s fact and a passing comment, I really don't see how on earth it can be considered rude, sure maybe a pointless comment but then so it probably 99% of what people talk about

YABU for even starting telling your child he can become anything instead of just focussing on his enjoyment of the activity. My DS is crap at sports but he has found a sport he enjoys and I always ask him "did you have fun?" Not "did you win?".

If you have never talked about him being a professional swimmer she's BU. I would just say "I want my children to enjoy theirselves."
How ridiculous to try to stake out a child's future professional capacities (and wishes!) at 9. I feel sorry for her kids who must feel a pressure to perform in whatever they do. Like It's not good enough to just be a kid and have fun.

She’s not wrong, but rude to comment.

You don't have to swim fast and to be a winner at swimming carnivals.
You do need to be a strong competent swimmer to be a winner against drowning.
The main reason for swimming lessons is for fitness, safety and enjoyment of all sports near water.
At age 9 your child is about right for being able to swim a length of the pool. He will be joining in the Galas soon enough.

So your friends kid recently moved to the next class and she thinks they are miles ahead of your child? Does she realise her child is probably not going to the olympics either?

I have a competitive friend and I don’t put my kids in the same classes as hers. She gets obsessed with hers being better.

It was tactless to say it but I think she's probably right. Does it matter though? Does your child want to swim competitively or are they just doing it for fun?

Friend was a pro swimmer, and as far as I know they only started taking it seriously as a teenager.

Either way, it's BS. The spurt in physical development required to become a pro swimmer or most other sports requiting a strong physical component takes place during the teenage years.

What does you DC want to do? Some kids have the ability and with the right coaching can come from a relatively slower start. Mine were both in a club by that age and could manage one hour training sessions, a child at 9 who can only swim a length (maybe not even a full 25m depending on lesson pool set up) will not cope at that stage. Different clubs also have different outlooks, we're quite a high level so we'd probably not take a 9 yr old who can't manage a length until they'd had more lessons. My DC were swimming county champs when they were 9 and only just old enough.
On the plus side, you won't be up at silly times at a pool as I am now!

My children do attend galas and do well, at age 8 and 9 it was obvious they were ahead of their peers. Put them in a running race and they'd do well but not be the best (not that it matters!) my point is your child will improve but unless they are highly motivated to really progress they'll find it hard to 'catch up'.

Honestly, I sort of agree with her. It’s not just about the effort and time to put in, it’s also psychological. No child wants to be training or learning with kids so much younger than them - it’s just a bit embarrassing for them, isn’t it (or at least they feel that way). It gets worse as they get older - once they hit teenage years, they won’t want to be swimming with 9-10 year olds who are better than them.

My niece is 16 - she trains 20+hrs a week and she’s not even doing the most in terms of her peers. All of them were training multiple times a week by 9 - even if it was just 1-2-1 type classes. My DD is the same, although thankfully younger so she doesn’t have the gym sessions yet.

Children don’t have to do sport competitively, and it’s great to do it for fun, but you do need to be realistic about the chances of your child reaching a top level in a sport. Particularly, if by 9 they can’t swim a full length.

Just ignore her, she’s really talking rubbish. I used to be a competitive swimmer and didn’t join a swim club until around 8. I didn’t get better and start competing until a few years after that.

In sport surprising things can happen at puberty. There were some zippy fast runners in my dc class - mostly the shorter boys. They grew to be shorter teens and some of the long legged taller boys who were very skinny and lacked muscle as younger kids have bulked up and caught up.

That said, progress with something like swimming is indicative of a degree of natural ability. Its more likely that most of the children who are much better at age 9 will continue making faster progress.

If your DC can't swim full lengths at 9 it suggests they are struggling a bit.

It’s a weird comment to make and I’m not sure where she got that 9 was the magic age.
It’s also a bit sad that the focus has to be on competitive swimming, rather than just swimming for fun.
My child has been having swimming lessons since he was 8 weeks old. He’s 3 now and a bit “behind” his peers but he’s understanding safety aspects - which was my main reason for the lessons - and he has a blast! He just bloody loves it. That’s all I want and I hope it stays that way forever.

At some stage in a couple of years he will hopefully be able to swim proper lengths but unless hr tells me he wants to compete, I’m going to just keep it to fun swimming. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

Sorry, but on this one, your friend is correct.

A huge amount of swimming is time spent in the water, and the gap between the two children will be widening all the time.

If they've had lessons since they were 4/5 and can't swim a length yet then I think she's right, your dc is obviously not a natural swimmer. Personally I'd want my money back for lessons, mine took less than a year from starting aged 3 to swim a length.