14 yo Teenager refusing a haircut

[FootFlapperage]

I've been trying to convince my son he really needs a trim up, you can still see the style when he had it done so wouldn't be to upsetting for him
But he's adamant that's how he wants it & it's making me anxious. It's so bushy now, and he doesn't brush & he'll wash in the shower if I'm lucky.
I'm surprised the school hasn't spoken to me about it, I need some advice please, because I'm on my own and it's difficult to get support.. I'd ask my mum to take us but she's unwell.
The barbers are out of town too
Aibu to my son?

My mum was emotionally manipulative basically anything I did she didn't like made her anxious she then deployed my dad and my brother to pressure me into doing what she wanted because she was so anxious.
I still feel a bit annoyed about it now and it took years to shaje of the effects of the manipulation.
Don't do it, its so unfair.

I don't blame him. I would refuse to wear a goat too.

My teenage DS has a god-awful perm. It's the kind that when he's 40 his kids will be laughing at photos going "OMG look at Dad's hair!". But he loves it and thinks it looks cool, it's his hair and not something I try and obstruct.

If this is your worst concern you're fine, you really are ! Let it go. I loved it when ly DS had long hair (to be fair he has beautiful fine white-blond hair). Sadly he decided to cut it when the teacher said that "long hair is for girls". I really wanted to leave it but wouldn't want other kids to make fun of him, and it's his hair his choice so I let him cut it. And it's still beautiful, albeit in a different style.

He'll lose it all by 25 so don't worry

Your 14 year old’s hair is none of your business in the nicest way possible, as long as he is looking after himself that’s all that matters.

Ha, think yourself lucky. My idiot brother came home with a blue Mohawk around that age!

It’s up to him. Longer messier styles are very popular - someone on here called it broccoli hair which is spot on. My son has super straight hair which won’t frizzy give volume - he’d love more bushiness to his hair.

My son suddenly wanted regular trims at age 15/16 ish - before that he didn’t care and it was a struggle to encourage him to go every half term. Now he goes every 4 weeks and has a favourite barber who knows what he likes.

My ds is 22. He gets his hair cut once a year max. It tends to get dry and frizzy and, imo, looks awful. I have suggested conditioner but he is not interested. He doesn't brush it either. Other ds (26) shaves his head. None of my business either.

I've never pushed haircuts on my dc regardless of how awful I think it looks. I have always, before they were adults, insisted on regular showers/hair washing. Other than that, I have always felt it is none of my business what they do with their hair once they got to the age where they could look after it themselves.

I would say pick your battles. Hygiene is non-negotiable. After that, provided it's not a health risk, let him do what he wants with his appearance.

My sister had one. When we went anywhere the coat had to travel in the boot as my mother refused to allow it in the car with us.

You can’t, and definitely shouldn’t try to, force a 14 year old to get a haircut against their will. I agree it needs to be clean and maintained but the most you can do is reason with them about it.

It's one of the things that I am happy for my son, also 14, to choose exactly what he does with it. The only stipulation is it must be within school rules.

His hair is also long but as far as I'm concerned it's his identity and when he wants to change it he's free to do so. I do make sure he keeps it relatively tidy with a brush and a wash though

My 14yo DS is currently growing his hair and aims to have it quite long.

Up to him tbh, and miles better than the million and one skin fades I see everywhere.

I was a teenager at school in the early 70s. You should have seen the 14/15 year old boys hair then.
School rules were more laxed.
They had long hair. Permed hair.
Skin head.
Dyed hair.
Bushy hair.
Mullets and wolf cut.
Those were the days.

I think at 14 he is old enough to have some autonomy over his appearance. My 15yo ds has had long hair, the stupid bushy fringe one, skin fades, crew cuts ( hated most of them but smiled and said they looked great) and now is going for a mullet. We haven't had a perm or hair dye yet which is a relief. I am confident that when he is done experimenting he will end up with something more grown up and sensible. My dm tells me I went to Uni a "grumpy grungy teen" and at some point I came home so well groomed and wearing a dress that she didn't recognise who was walking up the drive.

Honestly, it's just hair.

Why is it making you anxious OP?
Is it because you think he is breaking a school rule? Some private schools are quite prescriptive but most schools don't concern themselves much with hairstyles these days.
Hair is one of the more benign ways for young people to exercise self-expression and autonomy or even being a bit rebellious. However bad or mad their hair looks, it's only hair. It's temporary. This is a developmentally appropriate phase.

Nah , the smell of unwashed teenage boy hair will mask it

14 is old enough to know how he wants his hair and have a choice over it

If it's bushy because of curls then brushing it can be a nightmare. I know girls with thick curls who brush their hair once a week (if that) and it looks fine because that's what the style is supposed to be

I also think, controversially for MN, that at 14 he can make his own choices over showering and discover the consequences for himself if he is dirty and smelly and people begin to give him a wide berth...

Why are you anxious about a teenager's hair?

So long as he washes it and occasionally runs a comb through it, just let him get on with it. He's 14.

If that's how he wants it, just let him have it like that?!

How is this even an issue? I can't understand how you being a single parent has anything to do with being anxious about his hair style? Kindly, you need to get a grip.

Experimenting with teenage hairstyles is a right passage. I had my hair every colour under the sun as a teenager and my mum just left it to me. The only cross words exchanged were when I managed to practically redecorate the bathroom floor with pink hair dye!

My son did this, then we went on holiday and it got in his eyes in the pool, and he hated every photo as his hair looked shit.

Came home and he got a buzz cut, shortly followed by a load of girls chatting him up. I doubt he’ll ever let it grow out again!

You can’t advise them too much at this age - much like you have to pick your battles with tantrumming toddlers, you have to let them make their own (small) mistakes as teens.

Why do you want him to have his hair shorter? And why does your view on the matter count at all?

When you're a teenager, just about the only thing over which you have a chance of autonomy is how you wear your hair. It's important to teenagers.

So what's the problem?

Not at my school they didn't. Boys had their hair measured and it had to be 1cm above the collar. Girls could have long hair as long as it was tied back but they had their skirts measured. The other school in town was more lax.