AIBU to consider giving birth alone?

[mumofboysinlondon]

I am pregnant with my third child, two existing kids are 1.5 and 4.

My problem is - what do I do with my kids when I give birth?

Family support is either non-existent, too elderly or too far away to be helpful.

We live in an area of London where people tend to move on quickly and sadly we’ve lost our really good local friends in the past couple of years. We have acquaintances, but no one I’d ask to take my kids in the middle of the night, if it came to it.

I’m planning a home birth and my hope is either the kids will be out at childcare or it will happen overnight (and quickly) so they won’t know anything about it. This is what happened with #2 so no problems.

At this stage I think it would be less stressful to plan for my husband not to be there. I just have no idea what we’ll do if the kids are at home and I need to go to hospital.

Anyone else ever done this/ in the same boat?

Statistically things are more likely to “go wrong” in a hospital setting.

My son went to childminder overnight when I had my second boy.
I had contingency plan of my boss and my bosses boss as back up!

My plan was a homebirth with my 3rd, hoping for it to occur during nursery hours or it to be overnight - sadly I developed pre eclampsia (never had it before) and a very small baby who needed to be born at 36 weeks. I only mention this because we had no plan and the grandparents were on holiday! Luckily it all worked out. In your position, I’d look for a doula who can be with you if you need to go to hospital or if labour occurs when your husband needs to look after the kids

I gave birth alone.
You will be fine and don’t have many other options.

I think you should have the baby in the hospital though.
Having it at home and hoping your other kids won’t be there just sounds too stressful.

Start looking for a babysitter and get them used to the kids.
When you’re in the hospital DH may be able to be there with you/visit you without the kids.

My third took 45 minutes from start to finish. I would have been on my own if it had been a bit longer, but funnily enough, once I was in the hospital I wasn't bothered about that. Fingers crossed you can have a home delivery during the day.

I was not eligible for a homebirth but we basically planned that I would do it alone so DH could stay with DD1. We have family but they are several hours away and no car so reliant on a taxi taking them a long way if it all happened in the middle of the night (basically right across the other side of greater London to us). The MW said they would have an extra person in the room with me if I was on my own.

As it was, I went into labour at 5.30am, got to the hospital for around 6.15am (baby was breech and i had preeclampsia so i had been told not to wait at home during early labour). DH dropped DD1 at nursery at 8am, got to the hospital at around 8.45am and DD2 was born at 10am 😅 So we were very happy we hadn't opted for the better hospital that was further away! We were then able to get sorted for 6pm when DD1 needed collecting.

Our contingency consisted of a bit of a relay - me going by myself, a friend coming once they could to relieve DH, that friend being relieved by a relative once they could get down on the train. So it would have been a pain. Our complication was also that i originally planned a ELCS due to the breech position so we were all geared up for one particular day, but then I went into labour before the ELCS and when i got to triage, DD2 had turned so I decided to go ahead with a vaginal delivery. Which i thought would buy us some more time but it really didn't!! 🤣

In hindsight, I think sorting out a doula might have given me a bit of extra reassurance that I would at least have someone advocating for me if I couldn't. But everything ended up being so fast that I didn't really need it in the end.

Me too!
I'd also travel as far as it takes to support a family member, why aren't they doing it for you? Or DHs family?

How can you manage 3 tiny kids without support? Sounds mega stressful!

We planned HB with later two because of this. Though with second if we'd gone if HB hadn't worked several friends said ring and they'd get over and have eldest for us - wasn't need HB was staight forward.

With third - it was completely on our own - DH and I no childcare - we'd moved since and everyone else had family nearby. Unfortunately MW change mid pg to one anti HB -- and we had a real fight to get a HB for no reason.

MW service was awful - we got told many lies - and at one point MW insisted I was not allowed to be by myself and give birth in hospital - quite how she thought that would work if I presented to them in labour I have no idea.

We tried finding paid childcare - emergency cover or nursury workers we knew we asked and asking neigbours down street we knew and friends - but that area was very odd and hard to get anything.

Labour was very quick though MW service didn't try and get out to us - so it was DH and I with kids asleep upstairs - not ideal but luckily okay - we did complain but frankly it was manged away. We were made to feel very much like freaks having no help but I think it was the area we were in.

This is awful. What a rubbish midwife/team you had!

Surely this is the answer if you want to have you husband with you

I've often seen requests on my local London childcare parent groups from people looking for a nanny they can call if they go into labour at night. They meet up with the kids a few times first usually.

This is awful. What a rubbish midwife/team you had!

It was.

Later years we found out we were right next door to an area caught up in one of the big maternity scandals with many including my second MW having moved from that area. Plus hospital MW were based at was on brick of constant closure and had many issues. Was a huge contrast to first two pg in another part of UK with very good MW care.

It was did stop us having a forth child which was proably for best in hindsight - but we just couldn't face another pg in that area and took too much time to move on but was the final nail against it.

I would have thought London OP would have more emergency childcare options than many smaller locations - so I'd look into them and see if they can offer a back up for you.

For my fourth chiId was going to have a home birth, I wasn't with the dad , my bestie was midwife, I went over dates, big baby, shoulder distortia, so was in hospital alone, I got the midwife to ring my sisters and they came in the end I couldn't face being alone. I would advise a plan B. I hope everything goes well,

If you know your neighbours at all, I'd speak to any with small children who seem normal and see if they might be willing to be on hand in case of an emergency. What happens if you have to rush to hospital and have no childcare when your DH is away? Your neighbours are the ones who are on the scene and most likely to be able to help in an emergency. When my younger one was rushed to hospital with breathing difficulties a year or so ago, our neighbour across the road was able to come and sit in the house with my older one just watching TV until my DH could get back from work.

With my younger three they were born at home but I was aware that if I transferred the likelihood was that I would be going alone

I had my second and third at hospital without any support. I coped but the staff (in particular for the 3rd) were awful.
My 4th was planned as a homebirth but there was no one available, luckily he came quickly and it was an unattended birth. The older 3 didn't even realise until the noticed I had disappeared overnight and left a puddle of blood 😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️

I did but was able to have a community midwife support me. Is that an option for you?

I recently told a mum I've met twice to call me if they need emergency childcare when she goes into labour - her daughter plays a lot with mine at nursery.

I think most parents will understand your challenge and be willing to help out for a short period of time.

A doula seems like a good idea if you're really not comfortable to leave your children with anyone but their dad: I think labour is a vulnerable experience and maternity wards are so understaffed you really do need someone who can advocate for your care and help out with the baby in the immediate aftermath.

Alone, as in totally unassisted? YABU

Alone, as in with a midwife? YANBU

And I say that having had a BBA - unplanned!
Very quick overnight homebirth which dc1 slept through, and husband was unable to really contribute any assistance due to speed.

I think that’s probably your most sensible option. Though if you have neighbours you’d be comfortable with caring for the kids they may be willing to step in. I offered for my neighbours a few years ago when I realised they might be stuck with no one. Not ideal as the kid didn’t know me very well, but I guarantee I would have done whatever it took to keep them safe and well for however long was necessary. It’s a rare situation, but one that most people can relate to. You might find someone unexpected is willing to help.

I’ve had all of mine at home and childcare was part of the reason, apart from the first one obviously but it seemed like the best place. The older DC were very helpful and wanted to be there when the babies were born, so it worked out fine. Our contingency plan was to take the DC with us to a hospital if a hospital was needed. But we absolutely had to prepare them for what birth is like beforehand, it would have been irresponsible of us not to, so maybe your little one is a bit too tiny to understand.

My neighbour had a home birth with her 5th and has nobody nearby- she needed to got to hospital during the night and ended up going alone as her husband needed to look after the kids. I really wish they had just asked me- I felt awful when her husband told us. We had no idea they had nobody to help out. It ended up being a traumatic birth and she would have benefited from having her husband for support.
That being said- I think it’s better to be prepared to birth alone so you are ok with the idea on the day if it’s necessary. My friend had a home birth with her children all there and it was actually a lovely experience. As long as your husband is there to look after them, it could be really nice.

If you're in North Somerset, I'd happily help. I can easily find childcare for my DC.
Sometimes, the help from strangers or acquaintances can be what you need to get you through.
To cut a long story short, when I was rushed in for emergency section for my now 7 year old twin DC, I had to find immediate help with my then 12, 10 and 8 year old SDC (living with us temporarily). Dad decided to fuck off and take drugs.
Got trusted (and decent) acquaintances to have SDC and, because I was bloody terrified about the EMCS, got a family member I had no contact with to be with me in theatre (kind of a good job, as I lost loads of blood and had to have a transfusion and Twin 2 had to go straight to NICU, or whatever it is called).
So, horror stories like mine aside, I'd recommend getting something in place, if you're worried about giving birth alone.

I had a home birth with my second, and I did 24 hours of labour with my 2 year old at home with me, including through the night when he was asleep. Baby number 2 was born at 6am and it would have been perfect in your situation- BUT
Straight after the birth I had complications, was rushed to hospital by ambulance and had emergency surgery.
My DH came with me and he was responsible for the newborn while I was in theatre and recovery.
Thankfully I had someone who could take our toddler and did so just before 6am before things kicked off.
The experience post-birth was scary and traumatic. The idea of going off in an ambulance and leaving my DH at home with the toddler is unthinkable. I don't think he would have accepted that either.
If you go ahead with your home birth plan, which is a good one, also plan for an unexpected move to hospital where you need your DH.
You could have doula/childminder on call, ask staff at your existing childcare provider or contact local midwife service.
I loved my home birth and my first birth was straightforward- so the emergency situation was unexpected and sudden. Plan for all eventualities! And good luck 🙂