DS getting left out and playing on the lane

[FrasNI]

2 AIBUs in one here, but the background is the same.

I have 2 DC, DS is 4 and DD is 6, we live on a small private lane, there are 2 houses about 100m or so part on the lane, the lane opens on to a quiet country road and is a dead end at the other end. We live in the first house and the one behind us is a family with two little girls who are 3 and 5. All the kids ride their bikes on the lane, the only cars ever on it are for the houses. Normally I only let the kids ride their bike up the lane (so towards the dead end rather than the road) and normally I just wrap up warm, grab a book and sit on a chair at the gates to our drive way. Lately the neighbours kids have been joining outside too and she pretty much does the same, sometimes she will run down and say she is slipping inside to put the dinner on but she can see the lane from her kitchen window anyway. Whenever the kids are out there is always an adult either at our gate or at the neighbours gate.

Issue 1 - Sometimes the kids get chatting as kids do and want to all play inside together, this has been fine for a while, it doesn't happen often and when it does I check with the other mum that she is either okay with her kids coming into ours or mine going into hers. Lately though DS has been getting left out, he comes in crying or through to me crying saying the girls don't want to play with him. DD also asks if she can go and play at the neighbours but will say "but without DS", I always say that its not very nice to leave people out and that DS would be alone if she did that and they do end up both going. However tonight they went out to play on their bikes and I heard the older of the two little girls saying "we don't want to play with you 'DS', we just want to play with 'DD'. I think it is because DS likes to race on the bikes while the girls like to pretend they are horses and get on and off them a lot to pretend they are taking them back to the stable or whatever. My daughter also asked to go and play at the girls house tonight but when I said include DS she said it's okay and decided to stay out on her bike. The other mum knows and I know she has told her older DD to make sure everyone is included. DH thinks we need to let the girls do their thing and accept that little girls who want to play horses, or go inside and play with dolls and crafts that DS wouldn't want to do aren't going to want to play with him all the time and that's just life. He is a sweet boy though and gets really sad when left out. First AIBU is AIBU to think It isn't fair to leave DS out and that if he wants to play then they should include him.

Issue 2 - We were talking to both the parents of the little girls yesterday and both DH and their dad suggested we could probably let them ride their bikes without someone having to keep a constant eye now, both the girls mum and I were reluctant and agreed probably not yet. The dads think that it's fine for them to be left and us pop out every 5/10 minutes to check on them. I'm reluctant because

1. It's a private lane but not gated at the end so in theory anyone could walk up it. We do occasionally get a lost dog walker and obviously delivery people.
2. I'm scared the kids would test their luck and go down past our gate, it's about another 100m to the main road, or even out onto the road which has no pavement, it is just a small country road.

TBH I'm not sure when I will think its okay to let them out alone on to the lane but 3-6 feels too small, maybe a couple of years, I think it also sways it for me as the older girls would be in some ways looking after the younger two. So AIBU to think they are too small to play out on the lane alone?

I think it’s okay that they don’t always want to play with your son. As an older sibling I resented always having to take my younger sibling to play with me.
I wouldn’t let them out on the lane alone though not until the youngest of the group is 5/6 at least.

I agree.

The six and five year olds will want to play together. I think I'd ask the five year old in to yours without the three year old.

Then in another year the three year old might become a playmate for your ds.

The girls don't want your son around and trying to force it will just make it worse.

The older kids are not old enough to responsibly look after the younger. Plus, it's parentifying them. That's a no. Adult supervision is needed when they're on a road on bikes, even if it's not at all busy. The dads are being a bit lazy here.

I agree, they are too young to just leave outside with no parental supervision. You might have conflict with your neighbour in the near future as it seems the suggestion was a prelude to them not taking turns watching the kids and you will be babysitting their children.

It is very common for girls to exclude boys, I would take DS to a play group/nursery so he can make friends with other boys and you can set up play dates.

It is normal that girls do not want to play with much younger boys at that age but it is unfortunate that DS doesn’t have another little boy to play with.
No, I would not let children that young play unsupervised

I wouldn't leave children that age out on their own without adult supervision for three reasons,
A 3 or 4 year old could very well end up on the main road as they don't have the knowledge older children do.
To keep an eye on how the children are treating each other.

Children that age are old enough to know how to behave when adults are watching them but aren't consistent enough to behave when adults aren't watching them. Several children are quite likely to encourage each other into unpredictable and unsafe behaviour that they wouldn't do on their own.

Try to invite them all into your house more - and suggest games where ds can be included.

No to them playing out unsupervised.

Too young to be out alone so nbu there.

However you are being Very unreasonable to insist they are a package deal. The girls want to play together that’s fine. If you force it you’ll just when older create resentment.

Polling is 50/50 as I respond which is apt!

YABU to insist the girls include your son.
YANBU to supervise the kids until they are older.

Why are you trying to force these young girls who just want to play into your childcare?

He's your child to entertain not their irritating burden.

They're her friends not his.

Op you need to make staying in safely more appealing to your dc...

You should stop foisting your son off with the girls, they should be able to play and exclude him. It's tiresome for the older kids to have to include younger siblings. He also has to learn to amuse himself. He isn't their responsibility. It's nice if they can play together some of the time - which is more likely to happen if you let them seperate some of the time too.
They're all too young to play unsupervised.

YABU. Your daughter is allowed her own friends without annoying little bro tagging along.

I think it’s okay that they don’t want to play with DS, little girls can be like that! You’re potentially ruining a lovely friendship for your DD by trying to force her to either include him or not spend time with them.

It’s frustrating because it’s nothing personal, it just happens that the only neighbour with similar aged children happens to have girls! Perhaps there are some activities you could set up to help occupy DS? Make little ramps or assault courses or something?

Second AIBU - I agree they are still too young to play on the lane without someone watching. In a few years, sure.

YABU, your daughter is allowed her own friends without her brother and YANBU about being left unsupervised they are WAY to young.

That said, can you sort some paydates with your sons school friends?

This. My Mum forced me to take my brother and sister along to everything and it caused an awful lot of resentment.

Yanbu to think that they are too young to be unsupervised.
Yabu to insist the girls play with your son. If they want to play unicorns then they should. The older ones are at an age where boys and girls usually play separately at school because they tend to prefer different sorts of games. If your son was into the same stuff then there’s a chance of him being included but since he’s not, the girls shouldn’t be forced to play another game. It is sad for him but is it possible to find another local playmate for him ? At school the girls wouldn’t be forced to play with him too because they should be allowed to play the games that they want.

YANBU to think they're too young to play out unsupervised. I've only just started letting my 10 year old do that.
YABU to think they have to include DS when it sounds like he wants to play a totally different game. Can't he race his bike up and down while they play horses?

Thanks for all the replies.

DS does have friends from nursery, obviously we can't have playdates all the time though, when we do he is happy to leave the girls to do their own thing.

All the girls want to play together, even the 3 year old. I think she's quite advanced for a 3 year old, in speech/ability to role play etc. so I don't think the older girls mind playing with her, actually there was a time a few weeks ago when the 3 year old had a playdate of her own and stayed in but the older girl came out and DD mentioned when she got back in that she missed the younger girl.

I just feel sad for DS as he gets upset when he is left out.

They don’t have to include your ds. Pushing them to do so is starting to impact on your dd, so stop. They want to play girls games and he doesn’t, so they are not getting along.

Riding their bike on a private lane is safe?

I'd much rather they were out, playing and being active than inside all the time, fresh air and exercise is great for kids. Plus we live in Scotland so there are plenty of days too wet and windy too play out and they play happily inside.

The kids go to a different school from each other so they really enjoy playing together when they can.

Do sex offenders know not to drive down private lanes in Scotland?

FGS.

The children are watched by a parent. Children like to play outside sometimes, we can’t lock them away until they are adults.

Like I said, they are always being supervised. Never have they played out without supervision, the dads think they could, but I'm very much of the opinion they shouldn't.
We have lived here for 8 years and I can probably count 20 times we have had someone come up the lane who wasn't a delivery driver or coming to one of the houses. Usually a polite, "sorry this is a private lane and a dead end" and they apologise, turn around and go back down. It is a little confusing as little way down the round there is a lane which goes up to a farm then back out onto another country road and people use it to walk their dog. We have some fields either side of our properties which are farmed and technically because of the "right to roam", people can walk through them.
But like I said, they aren't out unsupervised ever, their mum is lovely and always runs down to check I'm okay to keep an eye on them if she needs to nip in and I have done the same when I have needed the bathroom.

I would say that they are all too young to be left outside unsupervised, especially with the lane open at one end. Anyone could wander in and no parent would be aware.