DS getting left out and playing on the lane

[FrasNI]

2 AIBUs in one here, but the background is the same.

I have 2 DC, DS is 4 and DD is 6, we live on a small private lane, there are 2 houses about 100m or so part on the lane, the lane opens on to a quiet country road and is a dead end at the other end. We live in the first house and the one behind us is a family with two little girls who are 3 and 5. All the kids ride their bikes on the lane, the only cars ever on it are for the houses. Normally I only let the kids ride their bike up the lane (so towards the dead end rather than the road) and normally I just wrap up warm, grab a book and sit on a chair at the gates to our drive way. Lately the neighbours kids have been joining outside too and she pretty much does the same, sometimes she will run down and say she is slipping inside to put the dinner on but she can see the lane from her kitchen window anyway. Whenever the kids are out there is always an adult either at our gate or at the neighbours gate.

Issue 1 - Sometimes the kids get chatting as kids do and want to all play inside together, this has been fine for a while, it doesn't happen often and when it does I check with the other mum that she is either okay with her kids coming into ours or mine going into hers. Lately though DS has been getting left out, he comes in crying or through to me crying saying the girls don't want to play with him. DD also asks if she can go and play at the neighbours but will say "but without DS", I always say that its not very nice to leave people out and that DS would be alone if she did that and they do end up both going. However tonight they went out to play on their bikes and I heard the older of the two little girls saying "we don't want to play with you 'DS', we just want to play with 'DD'. I think it is because DS likes to race on the bikes while the girls like to pretend they are horses and get on and off them a lot to pretend they are taking them back to the stable or whatever. My daughter also asked to go and play at the girls house tonight but when I said include DS she said it's okay and decided to stay out on her bike. The other mum knows and I know she has told her older DD to make sure everyone is included. DH thinks we need to let the girls do their thing and accept that little girls who want to play horses, or go inside and play with dolls and crafts that DS wouldn't want to do aren't going to want to play with him all the time and that's just life. He is a sweet boy though and gets really sad when left out. First AIBU is AIBU to think It isn't fair to leave DS out and that if he wants to play then they should include him.

Issue 2 - We were talking to both the parents of the little girls yesterday and both DH and their dad suggested we could probably let them ride their bikes without someone having to keep a constant eye now, both the girls mum and I were reluctant and agreed probably not yet. The dads think that it's fine for them to be left and us pop out every 5/10 minutes to check on them. I'm reluctant because

1. It's a private lane but not gated at the end so in theory anyone could walk up it. We do occasionally get a lost dog walker and obviously delivery people.
2. I'm scared the kids would test their luck and go down past our gate, it's about another 100m to the main road, or even out onto the road which has no pavement, it is just a small country road.

TBH I'm not sure when I will think its okay to let them out alone on to the lane but 3-6 feels too small, maybe a couple of years, I think it also sways it for me as the older girls would be in some ways looking after the younger two. So AIBU to think they are too small to play out on the lane alone?

Far too young to be outside alone.

The girls should not be forced to play with your son. YOU need to entertain him so he's not bothering the girls.

It's impossible to vote when you're asking two questions.

All way too young and you should not be forcing girls to play with your son. Girls often don’t want to play with boys and that’s fine. This scenario you’re describing makes me think of the Sarah Payne case. They’re too young.

Why does it make you think of that? Sarah Payne was out with her siblings but also away from the house without any parent watching which is actually quite different to OP.

It's also incredibly rare. Unfortunately, Sarah Payne just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know than a stranger.

Issue 1 - YABU to expect the girls to always include your son.

Issue 2 - YANBU, too young to play out unsupervised.

I think it's okay for all the girls to do girly things some of the time, but I would want them to still be kind and include him when they can. My daughter has only brothers, and it is nice for her to get to do "girly" things with her friends at times. But if it was every single day and only one child left out I think that's a bit sad and I think id try and have them to your place and encourage things that he can join in some of the time as well. Or do something special with just him if he's feeling left out.

No way would I leave children that young to play out unsupervised no matter how quiet the street.

I would be supervising them.
Too young to be left alone.

The including your DS is more complicated, the girls want to play games he isn't interested in. If you insist on including him either he has to play their games (which presumably he doesn't want to do) or they have to play his (which they don't want to do),

Maybe you get involved and play with him? Do you have a bike?

Wow I can't believe the stereotypical attitudes in this thread. Annoying little boy and girly girls. Boys and girls can play together. I don't think you are wrong to feel a bit sad for your son OP. It's good for young children to learn to include others.

But they don't want to play with him.
No it's good for young children, especially girls to know that they don't have to tolerate others in their space.

I think you need to recognize that they're not actually leaving him out, he's choosing not to join their games. He's could play horse carriage or dolls, he doesn't want to. Them not letting him dictate what they play isn't them excluding him.
They are too young to be left outside alone. I'd wait until the youngest was at least 5. I'd let the 2 older girls out alone around 7-8.

Little siblings can be annoying, boy or girl. Especially if the older sibling constantly has to include them when they are allowed to have their own friends.

On the safety aspect, if it's a private lane to just your two houses and you get on with the other family why not club together to put a gate across the end? That would be a bit safer for the children to play out.

Bit mean! He's a little boy not some irritating burden!

Issue 1: YABU. It's a bit unfortunate it's 3 v 1 in your setup but I don't think the 3 girls should have to change the games they are playing to include your DS. If he wants to play unicorns or whatever with them or they all want to race I'd be encouraging them all to play together but if they want to play different games then I think an adult needs to play with DS.

Issue 2: YANBU, they're too young to be outside without a parent in the lane. Maybe in a year or two.

In a similar situation we put a gate up a bit up from the road and then could cycle to that as they got older. I also put an outdoor box so people could deliver stuff to there too save heading up. I’d only close it when kids were out, I put up a warning sign to say children playing.

Not to them. He is an irritating burden.

I think older siblings often see younger siblings as "irritating burdens."

Are you the youngest sibling or an only child by any chance?

Because I certainly and all my friends hated when the expectation was that the baby had to tag along, and I don’t mean actual baby but that was how we saw the younger siblings when invading our time with our friends.

No problem playing with them when we went but when it’s a demand, or a all play together or you cannot play with suzie and sally. Hated that. Half the times when faced with all or nothing we often picked nothing. Sure that made mum or sibling feel any better.