Really need some advice

[Cheeseychipss]

So, I have been with my partner for 15 years (I am 35) we have 2 wonderful children together and I love being a mum more than anything. Since our children were born, our relationship has turned to shit, he didn’t help me in the night? Had some sort of breakdown when our daughter was born and said he didn’t love her/escaping over the fence etc. He the. Just avoided family life with hobbies/nights out/football and even though he said I could do what I liked I don’t feel I got the time. Obviously resentment built and it has got to a point where I can’t even stand him touching me. He says I won’t show him any affection and he isn’t there for me. I ended it about 5 months ago due to this but stupidly begged for him back as he told me he fancied somebody else (not my wisest move I know but I panicked) I am worried if he leaves again he will end up with her as she is a colleague and they do go out together often (with other people) I’m just so unhappy and feel so lonely. So sorry for the long post but I don’t know what to do as I am not getting any younger. I would stay miserable for the rest of my life if I thought it was the best option for the kids, but is it?

I am worried if he leaves again he will end up with her as she is a colleague and they do go out together often (with other people) I’m just so unhappy and feel so lonely. So sorry for the long post but I don’t know what to do as I am not getting any younger. I would stay miserable for the rest of my life if I thought it was the best option for the kids, but is it?

Staying miserable for the rest of your life is not the best option for kids.

But are you saying that you can't stand him but would be willing to continue living with him if it meant that you can stop him from being with someone else?

This relationship isn't giving you what you need. It sounds like he hasn't been there for you during times when you have needed him the most. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve a relationship in which you don't feel "so unhappy and feel so lonely". You are scared and panicking because you have been with him so long and it feels like something is missing when he is not there. But that will pass, and when it does you will feel stronger, more confident and happier and you will have the chance to find somebody who loves you in the way that you deserve

I think I will be ok with the breakup but knowing he will meet somebody else will hurt me all over again.

What if I make the decision and then I fall apart afterwards?

No, being miserable for your whole life is in no way good for your kids.

I am worried if he leaves again he will end up with her

Makes no sense to me - if you break up it should be irrelevant to you who he gets with (obviously barring threat to your children) as you’ve broken up and don’t want to be with him anymore.

I just never understand why people put up with second rate men and second rate love.

Please value yourself and end this man. He doesn't care about you or love you the way you deserve. You are better off alone than with someone like this. Your husband should be crazy about you, care for you, help you, respect you. He is none of these things.

Leave him- not only for yourself but show your daughters that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

I just know that I will grieve after it and don’t know what that will look like. I suppose I will be sad about it for a while and then turn a corner?

You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him?

It sounds like your life revolves around your kids and you can't stand your partner. He doesn't want to be a parent.

You are very incompatible. Let him go. Why keep him around to make both of you miserable, that makes no sense.

Yes but this is my main concern for some reason, I really don’t want want him to meet somebody else. Surely everybody is afraid of that?

is love enough? As I do love him (at least I think I do) or is he just all I know

But if my life didn’t revolve around my kids and I was like him, what the hell would happen to the kids?

Obviously resentment built and it has got to a point where I can’t even stand him touching me. He says I won’t show him any affection and he isn’t there for me. I ended it about 5 months ago due to this but stupidly begged for him back as he told me he fancied somebody else

So basically, you don’t want him and can’t show him any affection because you resent him so much, but you also don’t want anyone else to show him any affection either.

I have little sympathy with anyone who dumps their partner and then kicks off when the partner moves on, especially as you clearly can’t have a normal relationship together if you can’t bring yourself to touch him.

The relationship is dead. Do the decent thing and end it properly. This isn’t helping you, your husband or your children.

You don’t love him at all. You don’t even like him. You’re just possessive over him.

ok so if he died tomorrow I wouldn’t be bothered? That surely isn’t love.

Why is that though? I think you are absolutely right!

Then you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again with someone else or alone.

Not everybody is afraid of that or certainly not people who have given up on the relationship and firmly decided that they don't want to be with their other half. If his being with someone else bothers you to the point that you are prepared to continue the relationship that doesn't work, then my next question is: did you break up with him only in hope that he will realise how much he loves you, what he is missing and basically that would make him change his ways etc rather than because you don't want to be with him and can't stand him? @Cheeseychipss

Op I don’t know what way you’re relationship will go but we started having problems last year and aren’t the same since-I quickly learned that I could probably be fully happy on my own (I would NEVER ever ever have considered this!!) after living in the hell of trying to be happy around the kids, faking happiness and having both of us trying to avoid each other. He’s trying to figure things out but I am out if he never sees me as someone he’s happier having there. Honestly why couldn’t you be happier on your own than arguing? Saying that obviously it all depends x

Be brave and let him go. Tbh I'd be very surprised if he's not carried on with the colleague since you've been back together anyway to keep his options open. He's not happy, you're not happy. It will be hard and scary at first but your life's no picnic now, is it? And at least you'll be free to make it better.

Sounds like you’re grieving now, OP. It’s just the first phase of it.

You get one life. Is this what you want it to look like?

So why does it matter if he meets someone else?

Its because you hoped you'd have a happy life with him and it hadn't happened, so when you see him being happy with someone else it hurts because you think they've got what you lost. Not him, the happiness in a relationship.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head, I am possessive over him

Possibly, but he didn’t change? So is the way I feel enough?

Because you want it to feel like your decision?

Because you don't want to feel like he's no.longer an option?

He told me he only said this as it would annoy me and I wouldn’t beg for him back.