Really need some advice

[Cheeseychipss]

So, I have been with my partner for 15 years (I am 35) we have 2 wonderful children together and I love being a mum more than anything. Since our children were born, our relationship has turned to shit, he didn’t help me in the night? Had some sort of breakdown when our daughter was born and said he didn’t love her/escaping over the fence etc. He the. Just avoided family life with hobbies/nights out/football and even though he said I could do what I liked I don’t feel I got the time. Obviously resentment built and it has got to a point where I can’t even stand him touching me. He says I won’t show him any affection and he isn’t there for me. I ended it about 5 months ago due to this but stupidly begged for him back as he told me he fancied somebody else (not my wisest move I know but I panicked) I am worried if he leaves again he will end up with her as she is a colleague and they do go out together often (with other people) I’m just so unhappy and feel so lonely. So sorry for the long post but I don’t know what to do as I am not getting any younger. I would stay miserable for the rest of my life if I thought it was the best option for the kids, but is it?

Yes. Is that really bad or is it normal?

If you aren't happy and don't even want him touching you, surely it's best to end it and for both of you to find happiness and be loved by other people? If he finds that sooner, so be it. It doesn't mean you won't too.

I think it's pretty bad. And it's not something I've ever been bothered about.

If I don't want to be with someone anymore, I don't care whether they meet someone else or not.

Everyone deserves to be happy either with someone else or single.

That includes you and it also includes him.

If he's not changed after 15 years or after you decided to break up with him, I'd say it's pretty unlikely he will change now. I don't want to sound cruel but it doesn't feel like he values your relationship. Is the way you feel enough? Enough for what? To keep it going? I don't know. He seems to have moved on pretty quickly, and I don't know if he came back out of guilt or for some other reasons. That's not important though. What is important is what you want. You are 35 and while that's not 18, it's not 95 either. So the question is do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, who doesn't care? I know it's scary like any uncertainty is but do you think this fear is enough to keep you in this misery forever?

The other thing is have you spoken to him about how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

No, we are just not compatible, I love family life and all that goes with it.

If you are not compatible, you don't expect that there is anything that can change and don't want to be with him, then I think the answer is obvious. However, this does not mean that you should just quit the relationship without planning how you are going to manage after you do it. This wouldn't be responsible or the right thing to do by the kids. As parents, we don't just get to quit jobs or relationships without planning what we are going to do next. Having said that, if he is violent or extremely abusive and it is dangerous for you to stay with him, then immediate arrangements need to be made to escape that situation.

Have you been through a breakup before? If you have, then you’ll know that at the time it seems life ending, but now you don’t even think of them at all. There are no feelings there at all! That’s what will happen in time.

Change is always scary, but it’s also a major part of living. It’s how you make things better for yourself and your children - believe me, they’ll be picking up on what’s happening between you and your partner too. It’s better for them to have two happy homes than one unhappy one.

If you feel there is something there to salvage, look into couples counselling. Regaining communication can help rebuild what was lost

Well, he doesn't sound like much of a catch to be honest so I'm wondering why you're so desperate to hang on to him? He doesn't pull his weight at home and is always out doing his own thing. You say you can't even stand him touching you. The relationship sounds like it's dead in the water and you'd be better off apart.

Yes, he will probably move on and meet someone else at some point, so will you. You both might end up a lot happier than you are now.