Mother got offended that I said it was silly that she’s “concerned”

[S18]

BG: I’m nearly 30 and have lived over a 100miles away since I was 18 and in that time seen her a couple of times. I wasn’t raised by her and we aren’t close.

I recently moved across country and she keeps phoning me from a new number. I’d already told her yesterday that I had moved when she phoned then she phoned me today saying she was really concerned and worried about me with the move. I said why and she got annoyed saying why do I always get defensive when people express concern(no one in my life speaks to her so she has no idea how I’d react to concern from others). She wanted to come stay for a few days to “help with the kids” whilst I unpack which I didn’t want as I’ve already unpacked the majority and have plans and quite frankly would not be able to tolerate more than a couple of hours near her and don’t trust her with my children (which I didn’t tell her). I could hear in her voice that she was emotional and angry about it and she ended the conversation quickly. But why would I need help or concern when I’m a capable adult that has done everything themselves for 10+ years and my children don’t even know her!

Well maybe she's feeling left out of your life and it's finally starting to hit home that she fucked up which is why you don't need her.

Obviously you've not got the best of relationships but I think parents have a little worry about their kids occasionally, regardless of age.

She's taken an AWFULLY long time to be concerned, hasn't she? what's kept her until now?

I don't blame you at all! I'd feel exactly the same

Do you think the concern she’s feeling could be for herself? Maybe worried about getting older and being alone, feeling sorry for herself that she doesn’t have a typical mother daughter.

Is she trying to get to know you? Don't know what your history is, my DS is adopted and after he made contact with Birth mum she did go a bit OTT, like she was trying to show she was a brilliant mum, look what you missed, type thing. The wheels fell off fairly quickly and normality resumed.

Is there an element of that?

But agreed, you don't suddenly need motherly input at 30, I would find it irritating.

Was she always manipulative? making everything about herself?

Cos this 'oh i am so worried about you' is designed to make you do what she wants, i.e. let her come over so she can doubtless tell all her friends what a tireless pillar of support she is to you.

been there, done that.

I might just be projecting but my experience of mothers who haven't ever been interested or nurturing suddenly expressing concern is that it's a manipulation tactic. "I'm worried about you" translates as "you're not doing what I want and letting me control you and you have to soothe my worry by doing whatever I want you to." They were never worried or caring when they actually should have been.

30 odd years is a bit long in the tooth for her to only be getting concerned about you now.

Where have you moved to, anywhere nice? Sounds like she wants a holiday!

It’s that pretend “concern” that actually means being controlling and not wanting to cut the apron strings and acknowledge that you are a separate adult person.

Is she just attention seeking? Perhaps wanting to nosey at your new life and try to put her stamp on it?

I left home 20 years ago and yet my mum still treats me like a child when she visits me, assumes I know nothing about maintaining a house.

I am so sorry. I can hear your pain and irritation. Its like when someone watches you fall and hurt yourself and does nothing and then years later refers to the incident and asks you to be grateful for all the help they showed you. You don’t have time or the inclination to correct the record—you will seem petty and aggrieved to stop and review the state of play—you have long since accepted that your relationship does not include sincere offers of help (whether offered or accepted).

So you feel like an audience member suddenly called upon to act the part of the loved daughter on stage. But you know from bitter experience that if you did accept her “concern” or advice or offer of help she would stop as soon as you were offstage again. If you relied upon her you would quickly be disappointed again. So its irritating.

I agree with PP that sudden concern or interest is often more about wanting to re-establish control OR (if that boat sailed long ago as in my own mother's case) that something is going on which other people will be asking her about and she's embarrassed to not know anything about it.

In cases like that when i continue to keep her at arm's length, she simply makes stuff up and lies about her involvement level.

It's sad, but you reap what you sow in this life.

I agree with pp who said that parents continue to worry about their DC whether they are four or forty. I'm sorry op but there's obviously a back story here, so I don't know how any of us on-line are supposed to know what her intentions are?

Maybe she is sorry for the part she played in your estrangement and identified a time to contact you when she thought she could genuinely be of help, or maybe she is contacting you for selfish reasons? Nobody reading this, other than yourself and your mum, can possibly know!

All I would say is that, if there is absolutely nothing that she can do now to repair the relationship, and it means nothing to you that she reached out and you would rather she didn't. then it's better to be honest and let her know, or she might keep on trying.

@S18 sorry who is bg??? the only thing I can think of is big girl! you have only seen your mum twice in 12 years yet you only live 100 miles away??? wow!! obviously not a close relationship which she has not bothered about before, so why bother now?

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld I think background? Or Bill Gates maybe... but I'm guessing background

Yes, I think would irritate me. In fact, we’ve had similar from MIL about being worried about DC being ill when it’s nothing serious - she doesn’t sound as though she quite believes us. So DH is under instructions to say as little as possible…

When she said you’ve always did she mean throughout your life to date? Maybe she wanted you to have a better relationship- people offering help are sometimes just looking to be a part of something. The big question I suppose is everyone is saying she didn’t bother- did she? Did you both not bother?

Could she be wanting to check out your new place in case she feels like moving in?

That's hilarious, she wants to come help you with the kids after a decade plus of distance. She's not subtle.

No I acknowledge I didn’t bother either. I wasn’t raised by her and don’t view her as my mother, but wouldn’t tell her that as I know she’d be very hurt. Tbh I only keep contact as she often needs medical/financial/legal help and struggles to navigate that herself.

Wow, you're nicer than me. You're not obliged to help her, you know. I wouldn't, in your place. If she didn't even raise you, you don't need to help her with the practical things. It might be easier to cut her off, depending on how toxic she is.

Funnily enough it is close to a popular holiday spot and the only time she visited me in the last 12 years was when I moved to a house overlooking the sea…

Oh I know this playbook well. My mother used to reel out similar lines when she could sense I wasn’t playing by her rules. It took me a while to figure out it was a control tactic. It’s certainly disconcerting when it happens. It’s like ‘uh…laying it on a bit thick aren’t you?’. And yet of course you can’t actually say anything because it looks like you’re being spiteful to someone who is ‘being nice.’

I live 50 miles away from my family and my family in law (FIL &SIL) with the best will in the world, are willing to help, but are inexperienced and are either physically unable to do things (FIL overweight, had a problem walking with his knee and limping and doesn't feel comfortable looking after newborn babies, (my oldest DD is 4yo next Thursday and potty trained during the day, my youngest DS is 3 mo). My SIL and her partner have the 'ick' about poo, unfortunately, looking after young children is a big part of. My partner and I work opposing 12 hour shifts in care and both studying at the same time too, so I would would LOVE for my mum to offer to come for a couple of days to look after the kids, If we had the room.

Maybe it's not about you, maybe it's her projecting onto you, missing you, feeling a bit left out or just wanting to help, however annoying.

I'd embrace it, so she can see that you are coping, gives you a break and gets it out of her system so she won't keep asking 🤷‍♀️

Sounds as though she wants something from you. Free holiday, attention, whatever.

My children would probably be safer left unsupervised in the street than with her so no that’s not an option.