Mother got offended that I said it was silly that she’s “concerned”

[S18]

BG: I’m nearly 30 and have lived over a 100miles away since I was 18 and in that time seen her a couple of times. I wasn’t raised by her and we aren’t close.

I recently moved across country and she keeps phoning me from a new number. I’d already told her yesterday that I had moved when she phoned then she phoned me today saying she was really concerned and worried about me with the move. I said why and she got annoyed saying why do I always get defensive when people express concern(no one in my life speaks to her so she has no idea how I’d react to concern from others). She wanted to come stay for a few days to “help with the kids” whilst I unpack which I didn’t want as I’ve already unpacked the majority and have plans and quite frankly would not be able to tolerate more than a couple of hours near her and don’t trust her with my children (which I didn’t tell her). I could hear in her voice that she was emotional and angry about it and she ended the conversation quickly. But why would I need help or concern when I’m a capable adult that has done everything themselves for 10+ years and my children don’t even know her!

Perhaps unpick why her being hurt sounding angry etc bothers you. You can’t control her emotions by „managing“ her as tempting as it is to try. It’s often a trauma response I know but let her be upset angry whatever, you are t doing anything deliberately hurtful , she knows that she can control you by sounding pissed off.

YANBU. It's patronising and belittling. Sounds like an attempted power play.

The time to be concerned about you was when you were a literal child and she wasn't looking after you. Why has she waited till now?!

So she was out of your life for the first half of it which you seemingly resent and now she is trying to be a part of it and that angers you?

Maybe reread what you wrote and try and use your imagination?

@HJ1989 did you actually read where the OP said that she wasn't raised by her mother and has only seen her twice in over a decade?

I think your mother is not quite there.

I say this gently OP, but what do you get from this relationship? Relationships are not transactional, to an extent. But it seems your mother has never brought any value to your life, only hurt. Please just don’t feel obliged to carry on a relationship because of DNA.

Well yes. Like most normal people would be.

There isn't much if a relationship which sounds fair enough. You seem to feel obliged to help her navigate certain things she struggles with but don't want her around your kids. I'd have just kept it no contact in your case so it didn't bring up situations like this. If you reinforce your boundaries with her you would need to be blunt and tell get a few home truths but it sounds like you wouldn't want to upset her necessarily. It's like she in in limbo with you. I'd be inclined to say that you don't want anything more of a relationship beyond what you have.

Was it her choice to not raise you? Or was it that she fought your father for custody, but lost? It sounds like she's got a lot of regrets now (not that this is your problem - YANBU at all).

Do you want your children to know her? (With your supervision). I'd put them first and base the decision mostly on that.

She doesn't bring anything positive to your life now and never did. You shouldn't feel responsible for her when she took no responsibility for you when you were a child.

I assume that she wants to be closer now because she wants you to help her as she grows older. I'd shut that right down.

She’s just using you, practically and emotionally. She wants you to fall into line when she attempts to manipulate you.

Time to start tightening up your boundaries even more where she’s concerned.

OP, protect yourself and your family.
Do not have her around your children at all if you feel she is unsafe.
Be very wary.
It is sad but this is your life.
You do not owe her anything if you feel uncomfortable.

It doesn't sound as though OP's mum worried about her at all when she was four so attributing the feelings of love, care and concern that normal parents feel for their children to OP's mum seems overly generous.

Surely you realise that if OP's mum did not raise her, this was either because she didn't want to or she was deemed unfit to raise her. In either scenario, why on earth would OP embrace it and let her loose with with her poor mothering skills on OP's own children?

"All good, done this many times before! Have a lovely summer will try and catch up with a visit back to Hometown in the autumn"

Makes it quite clear you aren't up for any holiday hosting.

To me, that kind of ‘concern’ means that the person thinks you’re doing something wrong, or can’t cope. So I’d take exception to it.

I’m reminded of a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses on the doorstep, after I’d told them politely enough that I wasn’t interested, so please don’t call again.

‘But we’re concerned about you!’
Bloody cheek! 🤬

My mother did something similar once. I initially declined but then asked if she was still willing to help a few days later when I realised that I had a few bags more then I had realised. She got angry and yelled at me that it was my responsibility to move and I should have planned better. Why offer to help then?? I think she wanted the kudos of offering to help, whilst not actually wanting to do anything. Your mother will have her own reasons OP - FWIW I think you're doing the right thing by steering clear.

You don't owe her anything and certainly don't have a close relationship. Don't do anything you don't want to and don't feel guilty about it.

My kids are adopted. Both grown up now and both have had contact with their respective birth mothers. It's plain to see why neither were suitable to be a parent, from their actions and attitudes. One no longer sees her bm, though she lives close by - just has sporadic text contact -and the other has only spoken to hers by phone and has stopped contact.

Ignore your mother's emotional manipulations.

HJ1989 says: “I'd embrace it, so she can see that you are coping, gives you a break and gets it out of her system so she won't keep asking 🤷‍♀️”

Well, I absolutely wouldn’t. If she’s only seen you twice in ten years, OP, then this is about her and not about you. If you invite her over to “help”, I guarantee she won’t, but if she likes it, she’ll keep asking to come again. You say you can’t stand more than two hours in her company - so be polite but cool. If this woman didn’t bring you up and doesn’t bother much, treat her as a rather distant aunt to whom you have no particular obligations.