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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married in secret??

44 replies

shouldweornot · 09/05/2008 06:56

DP and I want to get married in a few weeks to coincide with DS's christening. absoultely don;t want lots of fuss so considering not telling anyone until day of christening when all family and friends are with us and just announcing that we got married on friday.
AIBU? will this cause loads of problems? think my mum will be ok, a bit not to have seen it but will totally understand our reasons. not sure about DP's mum though. Don't want to wreck the christening by family members being upset - should we or not????
has anyone else done this???

OP posts:
KelaH · 09/05/2008 07:08

How about planning the wedding to be at the same time (or same day if not possible) as the christening, then people can see the ceremony but can't make fuss as they won't know in advance?

belgo · 09/05/2008 07:12

I think you should do what you want. I really don't blame you for wanting a secret wedding. It seems as though weddings will always cause arguements, however you do it.

fym · 09/05/2008 07:16

Can you not get the vicar to do the wedding at the christening? worth asking.... There isn't much you need to say from memory - our wedding was only 1/2 hour and that included 2 hymns, 2 readings and a bit of a sermon!!

Then everyone see it (but has no prior warning so no fuss!)

piratecat · 09/05/2008 07:39

hmm, it would be lovely to do it that day.

MrsTittleMouse · 09/05/2008 08:31

I can completely understand you wanting to go off and just have the two of you - sounds very romantic. If the vicar agrees and there is time to read the bans (banns?) then it would be quite nice to do it as the same time though. No arguements about invites/placement/all the other crap, but all the family get to see you "do the deed".

I don't think that my Mum would have got over it if she hadn't been at our wedding, to be honest. I can even remember her making me promise her as a teenager that even if we had a low-key registry office wedding that I'd take her along. My Dad was livid at her making me promise something like that when I was only a teenager!

MrsTittleMouse · 09/05/2008 08:31

Your Mum might not be quite so nutty as mine though (in fact, I hope not!).

moondog · 09/05/2008 08:33

We got married 'in secret' (couldn't stand the thoguht of the hassle) and everyone was fine about it.Even if they hadn't been I wouldn't have cared.

poppy34 · 09/05/2008 08:38

We did same as moondog- and everyone was ok about it. its your day , you do what you want

scottishmummy · 09/05/2008 08:40

what actually matters is the sentiment behind getting married not necessarily a "do"

Oh congratulations

moondog · 09/05/2008 08:43

Quite Scott.
I therefore wonder if all these mothers and mILs are not actuially only pissed off because they have lost their chance to revel in reflected glory.
Personally, I wouldn't care what or how any of my kids married as long as they did so to someone who loved them and cared for them.

FromGirders · 09/05/2008 08:46

An acquaintance of mine organised a barbeque for all all her friends and family (and dp's too, obviously) and half way through the afternoon asked everyone to gather round so they could get married. The party developed after that, but there was no fuss in the run up to it.
It would be lovely if you could have the wedding and christening ceremony together.

Gumbo · 09/05/2008 08:53

Do it!

We did it, didn't invite any family - and that was 13 years ago. And if I had the chance to re-do it, I'd change nothing! My mother was a bit annoyed, my father was fine about it.

At the end of the day it's nobody's wedding but yours - your mother has (presumably) had her wedding.

We've never regretted doing things 'our way'. Good luck!

ajandjjmum · 09/05/2008 08:53

I don't think it's exactly reflected glory moondog - there isn't really any achievement in getting married - the achievement is in staying married.

We had friends who announced at their housewarming party that they had got married. They'd been together for years - had teenage children - and it was lovely. But the one Mum was very upset, and on reflection our friends wished they had told her just before everyone else.

Your wedding - do it how you want!

Eve · 09/05/2008 08:56

I got married in secret... me and DH and 2 friends as witnesses.

Was great.... still talked about years afterwards by the family as the way to do it.

They all know my husband and I and know we both loathe any kind of fuss or attention.

ipanemagirl · 09/05/2008 09:05

Should we, I think ideally we should all do what we want vis a vis getting married.

But, on the other hand, it is somehow a cultural group thing, a marriage, a bringing together formally/legally/symbolically of two people and part of that history is that it is witnessed by the families of both.

Of course couples have got married in secret forever but it's worth really weighing up the pros and cons.

My younger sister got married abroad on her own with just her husband and a priest and a witness from the local monastery. She sent us all photos, her husband just can't cope with being the centre of attention and they also wanted their honeymoon to start at once and not have to deal with loads of people. The groom's parents are both dead and it was ok for my m who has seen 3 other children get married. But if you're an only child I think it is a generous thing to include a small number of immediate relatives if you can do it without to much fuss.

I have a friend who is an only child and she eloped with her dh and her parents still can't talk about it at all without crying! They're just so sad not to have been with her! She regrets it now, but had agreed to it because her dh's divorced parents are too obnoxious to have in the same room!

But if you're sure - then go for it!

Mungarra · 09/05/2008 09:18

My sister went to City Hall to get married and had one of her husband's brothers as a witness.

She didn't tell my mother or any of her siblings until she'd been married for ONE YEAR. She didn't even tell my other sister, who she was living with at the time.

We were surprised but weddings aren't a huge deal in our family, so no one was too offended. The sister she was living with was a bit annoyed, because she'd put up with the tears and hearing about the problems in the on-off relationship and then she sneaks off to get married.

Anyway, I think you should do what you want, but whether anyone is hurt by it depends on what your family is like.

malloo · 09/05/2008 09:30

go for it! we did the same thing - both sets of parents were delighted as neither are very keen on big occasions, in fact my folks said they wished they had done it that way themselves! we had kind of sounded them out about it before though to check they wouldn't be offended. given that our families were fine about it, we were surprised to find a few friends and colleagues being quite uptight about it, some acted as though we had done something unspeakable!! I am 100% sure it was the right thing to do for us. To me, marriage is something important between 2 people and I've never seen the need to involve anyone else. However, I know I'm in a minority and I totally respect the fact that other people see it very differently.

Only you know the people involved so think carefully about how they might react. not sure I would announce it on the day of the christening though - if anyone is upset it could spoil that day!

Good luck, let us know what you decide.

LMAsMummy · 09/05/2008 11:31

Do it, it's your day. I didn't do it (we had Register Office wedding and party) but one of my best friends went to USA and did it, just the 2 of them, and came home and announced it. They said it was fab, and have no regrets at all.

donbean · 09/05/2008 11:34

DO IT....WE DID TWAS FABFABFAB

we told every one a week before, every one was great about it and we packed out the reg office.

was the best thing we ever did and we did it the best way we wanted to!
DO IT!!!!

Tortington · 09/05/2008 11:37

i dont see why you can't plan a small thing iviting people you want to

i would be more than a little upset to miss my daughters wedding

wouldnt you?

nailpolish · 09/05/2008 11:41

i wish dh and i had run off and got married

his mum bullied us into a huge big do

moondog · 09/05/2008 19:28

My sister got married (to a foreigner) and didn't tell us for years!We thought they were just living together.
That was a bit of a surprise (although I had naively wondered how he had wangled a visa to work in UK-duh!)
As someone says though, achievement is in staying married.
Yes, a WEDDING IS A BINDING TOGETHER OF FAMILIES, AND a marker. i lve weddings0other people's only.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 19:32

It's for your and your soon to be husband to decide, I'm doing the same in July... I'm pg with my fourth and want the big wedding (dress in attic) but if I can't have that I want nothing just the ceremony. Go for it and maybe celebrate it at the same time as the christening, maybe have a wedding cake? Or something to keep his mother happy.

Original poster
shouldweornot · 09/05/2008 19:43

thanks for all your thoughts - I know it is our wedding and we should do what we want but can't help feeling a little guilty about family. The thing is my family is a bit complicated (divorced, remarried etc) so the big wedding was always a no no to be honest. Then, when you try to whittle it down to just immediate family and close friends it still becomes bigger than we want. There are about 50 people for the christening and that is just close family and friends and we struggled to keep those numbers down (but had to as we are having the party back at our house!)

I am sure my mum will be a bit disappointed, but DP's mum didn't react well to news of my being pg so not sure how her first born having secretly got married will go down I have to say she adores our DS now and was never mean about it, just reacted oddly, i.e. totally underwhelmed iyswim

OP posts:
moondog · 09/05/2008 19:59

Posie do yuo mean that you have a dress ready for your dream ceremony which is not going to happen?
Aaah.

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