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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get married in secret??

44 replies

shouldweornot · 09/05/2008 06:56

DP and I want to get married in a few weeks to coincide with DS's christening. absoultely don;t want lots of fuss so considering not telling anyone until day of christening when all family and friends are with us and just announcing that we got married on friday.
AIBU? will this cause loads of problems? think my mum will be ok, a bit not to have seen it but will totally understand our reasons. not sure about DP's mum though. Don't want to wreck the christening by family members being upset - should we or not????
has anyone else done this???

OP posts:

motherinferior · 09/05/2008 20:01

Just do it.

But then the idea of my parents coming to my wedding fills me with horror. It's one of the many reasons I keep parrying Mr Inferior's various proposals of marriage .

Pheebe · 09/05/2008 20:05

OK, haven't read the posts but my honest opinion is that its a bit selfish not to share it at least with parents/siblings. I'd be gutted and very hurt if my sis did this and I know my mum would have been devastated

But its your wedding, do what suits you I just think you should be prepared for the potential fall out

Pheebe · 09/05/2008 20:07

Just had a thought, perhaps you could get married as you want (you plus necessary witnesses) then ask the vicar or whoever to bless your marriage after the christening, that way its infront of everyone 'important' and you don't have to do another big 'do'

Libra1975 · 09/05/2008 20:08

there is something in-between a big do and just the 2 of you. If my mother hadn't been invited she would have been hurt and it would have been nothing to do with reveling in reflected glory and everything to do with the fact she is my mother and wanted to be there on a special occasion and celebrate with and for me.
we had just immediate family, i.e both sets of parents and siblings with partners and that was it. It was a fabulous day.

motherinferior · 09/05/2008 20:16

Or why don't you get married and just not tell them? Or not tell them till ages later?

mummypig · 09/05/2008 20:21

Just do what you want to do. I like the idea of incorporating the wedding with the christening but I can also understand the ins and outs about who is there and who isn't there, as my family is very complicated like that too. I got married a few weeks' ago, in secret, and our witnesses are sworn to secrecy too. It was lovely. Dp's family care more than mine about doing things 'properly' so he doesn't want to tell them at all but I'd quite like to tell my family some time.

gingerone · 09/05/2008 20:23

Congratulations

You should do what you want, but remember you will have to live with your parents', friends' feelings forever. My mother did not talk to me for 3 months after I just got married in secret and she was a royal P in the A about it all and made some hurtful comments that to this day (many years later) I cannot forget.

I had a blast, I did exactly what DH and I wanted and we had a super time.

Funnily enough after little sis' very lavish, big wedding a while ago where my mum had to pay for stuff and be a part of it, mother suddenly thought our way of doing it was just fine. Miserable cow.

As our friends say, it was the best wedding they never went to.

Good luck.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 20:29

moondog, i am going to celebrate my union when I can see my pants again!! I want to have a glass of champagne and enjoy my day and if I can have the whole thing i want nothing right mow, but I really want the big do and am prepared to wait for that. I truly fear that if something happened to me my dp would have no right to make any decision about my funeral or life support and would have to pay 40% on the nothing I own!!

moondog · 09/05/2008 20:32

I see.
Enjoy it when it happens.

(I am married for those reasons too. I don't wear a ring or have a different name but it feels good.)

Elasticwoman · 09/05/2008 23:04

Shouldweornot - I think you should. But it's easy for me say, isn't it. If close family are upset, they'll get over it. It's not as cheeky as going abroad to marry and issuing invitations making people feel pressured into spending hundreds of pounds to join you there.

IorekByrnison · 09/05/2008 23:35

We have been thinking of doing something similar. I think it's an inspired idea to time it with the christening so that you can make the announcement while you've got everyone together and in a good mood. Make sure there's plenty of booze.

Original poster

shouldweornot · 14/05/2008 12:19

Quick update! We are registering all our ID etc at the town hall next week and hopefully plan to get married on the saturday before the christening and then announce it as planned, but we'll tell parents separately.
Only problem now is picking two witnesses without upsetting everyone else who is not 'picked'! why are things so complicated.....

OP posts:

ash6605 · 14/05/2008 12:23

Go for it,it sounds fab.It's your day so do it the way you like,if your MIL can't understand that it's her problem.

We had booked to go abroad to marry,weren't going to tell anyone,just go away and come back married but the week we were due to go my mum was in intensive care so never got to do it.

JodieG1 · 14/05/2008 12:27

I wouldn't do it. I would be so upset at missing my daughter or sons' weddings (should they marry) and it would be nothing to do with reflected glory. I would want to be there to share their happy moment and be proud and happy for them.

I would never have done that to my parents or to dh's, I didn't get on much with his mil at the time but I still wouldn't have done that.

We had a small do with only close relatives invited and it was lovely.

chocbutton · 14/05/2008 12:30

ash - hope your mum was ok and you got your wedding in the end

MrsTittleMouse · 14/05/2008 12:35

Could you ask two witnesses from the street? Some friends of ours did that (was the second marriage for both of them) and it sounded very exciting and romantic. Mind you, I've always had a sneaky hankering to be a witness for a secret marriage, so I might be a bit biased.

AbbeyA · 14/05/2008 12:35

I think that it is a good idea-saves an awful lot of fuss and money! I just think that you need to be careful with the witnesses and not have anyone very close. I think that if I was the Mum of either of you I would be disappointed and would feel a bit hurt if you shared the day with close friends and cut me out, however if everyone was cut out equally then there is nothing to complain about. A couple in our family did the same thing, just went to the Registry Office and didn't tell anyone until a week later. It was hardly a surprise because they had been living together for years, their parents were a bit disappointed but couldn't feel too hurt because they just took along a couple of work colleagues. They took close family out to dinner about a month later.

nellyraggbagg · 14/05/2008 12:41

We did it in secret - told my Mum a few weeks later. One reason was that she and Dad didn't like my choice of husband, and I didn't want them to have to pretend otherwise. Another was that Mum has always said that weddings are over-rated and that her children should just go and get married with no fuss. I never had visions of a big wedding dress or anything, so it was my ideal scenario (though could have done without being 40 weeks pg at the time!!!)

Witnesses were a work colleague and a rock-star neighbour. We celebrated with Safeway Cava and breadsticks!

Mum was fine about it once I'd told her (and reassured her that nobody else knew - I think she'd have been hurt if she'd been the last to know). I think Dad was quite pleased in a way that I wasn't an unmarried mother (!)

Now I have my own dcs, I don't think I'd mind much if they did it the same way (and even if I did mind, I could hardly criticise!!)

doublethetrouble · 14/05/2008 13:54

Hey we aare sort of doing this 2 later on in the year.

We are getting everyone to come to what they think is kids christening and then it will be a christening and wedding. I cant wait to see everyone sees me in my wedding dress and the organists starts playing the wedding march. We are then going to have big party.

It will hopefully be quite big party but couldn't be bothered stressing about planning wedding for months and everyone putting there views in on how we should do it so think this is the easy option. We're not going to have top table or speeches or anything. Just hot buffet and party. We have told parents though. Our family situation is a bit accord re divorces etc so the less formal the better so far as were concerned.

Did think about just the two of us doing it and having a daughter myself and knowing I would want to see her get married put me off a bit. I do think I would like my friends to see it happen to. But main benefit being is that i think its going to be so much less stress than everyone telling us how to do it.

Let me know how you get on. Good luck

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