To think my kids are rude?

[Fleurchamp]

My DC are 9 and 7. Eldest is ASD, youngest NT as far as we can tell but at what point are they just rude and misbehaved?

Every morning and night is the same rigmarole. I ask them to get dressed and brush their teeth. Every day they mess around and mess around to the point that I am almost in tears of frustration. They are no better than toddlers, in fact easier as toddlers as I could just put them in their clothes.

I start the "bedtime routine" at 6.45 for an 8pm lights out because it takes me that long to get them into the shower for a quick wash, PJs on, teeth and hair brushed. To get a story they need to be ready at 7.30pm. Tonight neither got a story and they have been crying about it ever since. In fact the eldest was still working his way up to brushing his teeth at 8pm.

They aren't stupid. Before we go up I set out very clearly what they need to do in a calm way. I set the timings. I remind them every 5-10 minutes of how long they have left. My son has boards with everything on because he needs a bit more help (and he gets more slack than the younger one).

But, no. No. They can't do that.

I get a load of abuse when I remind them of the time and that they won't get a story. The youngest is up there now shouting about how awful I am because I didn't read to her.

DH works long hours (quite possibly for this reason) and so isn't here Mon- Fri for this absolute shitshow. I try so hard to keep my cool but every morning and evening is the same.

I don't know where I have gone wrong but I so obviously have - they are the rudest most badly behaved children I have ever encountered.

God I used to hate bedtimes. When they weren't acting up, I was still stressy because they DID act up so often, I was sure it was going to kick off.

I used to send mine (3 of them) up separately. I'd try and implement a "if you mess around tonight, you go up ten minutes earlier tomorrow" which sometimes worked - sometimes it just meant I was sending them up at 6pm <eyeroll> and two of them shared a room at that point.

So, sympathies but no real help, sorry!

You sound too rigid and controlling. You need to loosen up!

Just a suggestion as this works with my DS:

"This is the second time I'm asking you to do X. If you do not go and do X now, there will be X consequence." Usually I reduce the number of pages we're going to be able to read.

If the bedtime routine goes past 20:45, he loses storytime because he's usually getting in and out of bed a good few times before he actually falls asleep.

Their eldest is on the autism spectrum. There is often a need for rigid structure.

OP's oldest has autism and will need rigid structure.

So helpful, sure the op is grateful for that excellent piece of advice 🙄

My kids were the same. Eldest ASD, 3 years age difference, i tried most of what has been suggested, sadly didn't work for us though and it was very stressful. Only thing that did work was time and eventually melatonin for my ASD child. Once she was on that it became much easier and found her own bedtime routine with less input from me.

12 & 9 now and bedtime rarely stressful.

I did threaten to take out the bulbs of thieve lights when they really played up, I sat I'd leave them in the dark, that worked but I didn't use it often.

Oh Darling - what a shit for you.

I can't advise as my DS had/has ASD & ADHD (as well as bi-polar diagnosed in adulthood) & was a complete nightmare, would only sleep for about 3-4 hours then up again, running around.

I was a widowed lone parent & had to cope on my own as well as having to go to work and earn a living. I could have claimed Income Support and been a STAHM (I did claim DLA) but going to work was what kept me sane. My DS went to a very supportive nursery from the age of 3 months.

I tried everything - Time Out (after the 3 warnings & you're out) on the stairs in his room whatever just sent him into a melt-down & he would scream, cry, hit me, kick me, kick & hit walls & was obviously distressed. It would become a battle to keep the Time Out to the 3 or 4 minutes (1 minute per age) it could go on for hours out of all proportion to the unwanted behaviour. Reasoning with him just didn't work. Reward charts: as he said himself aged 4 'the problem with reward charts is that once you start behaving yourself the rewards stop so what's the point?'. Yes, he's a bright lad.

DS is now aged 30 & lives in supported accommodation.

When I'm solo parenting (at least two nights a week, often more) the kids come home from school and have a shower straight away if needed. I make dinner while they're in the shower. They come downstairs freshly showered and in PJ's and then we either do homework or have dinner, depending on what time it is. Then at some point after dinner but well before bed time I make them brush their teeth. This way when it comes to bedtime they're already ready! Just need to do a wee and get into bed.

I'm not suggesting that this is the right thing to do or that it will definitely work, just wanted to mention what we do and what works for us in case it gives you some ideas :) Bedtime doesn't have to look the way it did when we were kids if we don't want it to.

Good luck, I really hope you find something that works well for you guys 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

I have not read all the replies but wanted to say I had the same.
I used to say to my DH that who are these children that you pop your head in on whilst theyre reading and just say goodnight. So sympathies, you have spirited children.
All I can say to help is some kids are not suited to early bedtimes. Mine weren't and I found later bedtimes better. Otherwise you are just prolonging the agony. Just be strict on the teeth!! nothing else matters really. Good luck x

Absolutely ..I have a ADHD child who is the same maturity as his younger sibling whos is 3 years younger

Also and neurodivergence effects sleep. They just don't need the same amount.
So GP for melatonin?

It is actually emotionally healthy for children to experience emotions and deal with them. If they annoy an adult that adult will get angry and then yes they should feel bad.
Shielding children from negative emotions is a terrible idea.

Sounds very like ours. I don’t think my children are rude. They are just lively, very bloody lively. I take them up separately though and always read stories. But it’s stressful. I seem to say ‘teeth!!!’ Ten times.

• Stories before bed are a time when a child can wind down and feel secure and loved by their parent.

That's something that should not be conditional*
Seriously? so if they've had an horrific tantrum, beat up a sibling, trashed the house, they still get a story? ffs