Hand hold - told husband it’s over

[Pred1cament]

Not sure if this is the right board but have seen ladies get great advice in the past. Husband and I have been married 10 years. 2 children, 6 and 2. He’s from a different culture and we’ve had issues in the past that we’ve resolved, but recently there’s been an ongoing theme of ‘I’m the man of the house, don’t have a different opinion to me, what I say goes’ especially when it comes to the kids, even though I’m the main carer and earner. We had a fairly trivial disagreement this morning where he told me not to do something and I said I don’t agree with you but ok. He was really annoyed that I had a different opinion to him and even came home at lunchtime to check I hadn’t done ‘said thing’ I hadn’t, but told him I can’t live like this for another 40 or so years and he’s making me feel trapped that I can never do much moan about anything to him or have a different opinion to him. He got really arsey, saying he’s not going to change so what am I going to do about it. Goading me. This is the ‘his surname’ house, the kids have my surname, you have my surname. This isn’t the ‘my maiden name’ house. I finally said ‘I’m done’ and he started acting like he was so happy, he’s been waiting for this etc. he went back to work and I haven’t heard anything since. Where do I go from here? I am the main earner luckily so could buy him out of the house. But I feel like in the mood he’s in he won’t go easily. Any advice or anything I should be thinking about? Obviously I’m devastated for the kids but don’t want my daughter growing up thinking she’s inferior to men. How do I make sure they’re as unaffected as possible? Worried about money as well. I earn well but will obviously be down on what I’m used to if I have to pay for everything. Thanks in advance for the handhold x

It's probably advisable to get some initial legal advice about entitlements from a family solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You can do it yourself but need to be confident you can do it and stand firm. The starting point financially is 50/50. You can claim maintenance through CMS.

Well done though, your children don't need to grow up with misogyny in the home. It's bad enough everywhere else.

You see a solicitor and issue a divorce petition.

You don't need a handhold you need a high five! Well done! You are strong to see through his bullshit after years of marriage.

Also, you will feel better when you a professional solicitor to guide you through the process.

You DD will be so proud of you when she is old enough to understand.

He sounds like a complete misogynist with all his patriarchal bullshit about it being his house, even though you are the higher earner.

Definitely see a solicitor as soon as possible to discuss division of finances and childcare. It sounds as though you do most of the child care, but he may ask for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Does he ever look after the children on his ownn?

You are a role model to your DD. Well done for not putting up with his shit any more.

Protect yourself now if you can. Do you have a joint account? You need to prevent him from emptying the bank and leaving you penniless.

Is he due home later? Does he have friends or family he could stay with? Do you have a spare room so you are no longer sharing a bed?

Get some legal advice tomorrow.

Think about where you both will live. Where will the children live (with you I assume). How will co parenting be able to work.

I'm sure someone will be a long with more practicalities.

He does look after them sometimes if I’m going out but you can bet he’ll be in a foul mood about doing it. He does pick them up from school and nursery so I’ll have to navigate that. I don’t think he’d go for 50/50, and if he does I think he’d quickly change his mind.

We have joint savings but I’m the only one who ever pays into it. He wouldn’t know how to check it on a regular basis but I’ve moved the bulk to my current account for now.

Thank you for the encouragement. He is due home and doesn’t have any clothes etc for work tomorrow so I reckon he’ll be back later after thinking he’s making me sweat. I’d like him to move out and keep the house with the kids but haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it. Worried about the emotional side of it for the kids more than anything.

You can't kick him out while you're still married.

He’s just walked in. Urgh.

Laughable hey!

I got rid of my husband because I didn’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it was normal for men to treat women that way.
its 5 years later and I’m so glad I left him. It’s been hard, definitely. Especially when the kids go to him, and seeing him upset my little girl in particular with bullying behaviour. But I know it was the right thing to show her how to value herself. And I feel so free now. And I’m in a new relationship with someone who treats me with respect and that’s also so, so freeing.

and I actually enjoy sex now too, as an added bonus.

so yes. It’ll be hard. But you’re clearly a strong woman. You can do this.

Good luck and be proud of yourself! A marriage should be a supportive,loving and a happy part nership.

Thank you so much x

Thank you so much. That really resonates with me x

Okay but if you're the higher earner can't he come after your earnings in the divorce? Get some legal advice asap!

I’m not sure that’s common nowadays but will look into it, thanks.

I doubt he'll be awarded more as the 'lower earner' if OP is also going to be responsible for the DCs, which she is by the sound of it.

Good luck, OP. I think you're doing the right thing, but you're going to need a really good divorce solicitor no doubt.

It can happen but usually only if one is a very high earner and the other has been a SAHP or considerably reduced their earning potential to suport the family, to the extent they won't be able to suport themselves outside of the marriage. As the 'D'H is at work and OP says she's also the main carer, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Defo does!

My family member earns 5 times as much as his now ex-wife and shes gets spousal maintence from him x

Yes this is exactly the case. If anything I’ve sacrificed career progression to be at home for the kids as I’ve stayed in a job with a lot of flexibility. He works longer hours than me x

Which is clearly not the scenario here, so not very helpful.

Hide you children's passports tonight and tomorrow take them somewhere he cant access. If your children don't have passports, apply for them asap. Photocopy everything you can i.e his bank statements, passports etc and move them to a safe place. Do not let him take the children overseas.
You have done the right thing, he has no respect for you so it is best to end it now.

Oh goodness. This feels extreme but I understand what you’re saying. I will hide their passports but want to keep things as normal as possible for them so don’t want to leave our house if I can avoid it. Especially as I’ve put so much into it. Bought pretty much everything in it. I don’t want him to end up with it. He’s home now and very chirpy with the kids, tidying up downstairs, getting their milk ready for bed etc. I haven’t spoken to him. I really want him to realise how lucky he is to have the life we have but i feel like he’s brainwashed at this point. I don’t know whether to talk to him sister. She was pretty good in the early stages at telling him when he was being a twat and he’d actually listen to her. But I haven’t spoken to her about our relationship for years x

Noooo @Pred1cament don’t talk to his sister - it’s overwhelmingly likely that she’ll take his side. Keep your cards close to
your chest.

Please don’t speak to your SIL until you’ve got the children’s passports and all essential documents somewhere safe, away from the home. She may have been great in the early days but you don’t know how he’ll react if she says anything to him.