To think if you’re not bonded to your child four years on, you never will be?

[whatiwantis]

I feel obviously awful about it but I just don’t feel like I’m bonded to my four year old at all. I try to fake it … can anyone help, has anyone been in this situation?

I haven’t been in this situation but I wanted to reply to see if you are ok. Do you feel depressed at all? Low mood and mental health issues can interfere with parental bonds. Or did you have a particularly traumatic birth with your four year old? I am just trying to think why you might be feeling like this. Do you still have a health visitor you can speak to? Hope you are ok.

It took 2 years for me. Traumatic birth and IVF.

I know it's not as long as 4 years but just wanted to show support that everyone is different. I hated the baby stage and have needed to be medicated to get through it. Loving toddler cheek. Perhaps there may be a future age that you prefer?

4 is still a fairly young and hard work age. You might find once they start school (if they haven't already) and start getting a bit older it gets easier and more enjoyable and so you feel more bonded perhaps?

A friend of mine is like this, hers is 3, she is committed practically but finds bonding and closeness difficult, she has discussed this with me on and off, it’s not natural for everybody, certainly wouldn’t judge her as she’s a wonderful person and very kind, try not to be hard on yourself, I’ve heard of this type of reaction before x

I just find him difficult to love and I hate it.

I feel the same way but sadly I'm a few years further down the line and of course, can't say this to anyone ........

Do you have any other children?
I ask because I'm wondering if you are thinking you should feel things that people generally don't feel but are told they ought to

Is this your only child? If so, how do you know you aren’t bonded? You can’t go by what other people (or worse, social media) tell you “bonded” supposedly looks and feels like and find yourself lacking. We all experience love and bond differently, nobody knows how anyone else feels or if it’s the same feelings they experience in their inside.

Do you care for your child? Do you feel protective of them? You’ve put their needs first and above yours for over four years now? Like any child they are incessant and demanding but you’ve been there through all that? They are alive and presumably thriving? You feel significantly enough for them that you are worried and upset about your feelings, and never want them to know? That sounds like a bond to me.

Parenting isn’t all joy and rainbows. It’s a slog. Are you perhaps mistaking not loving being a parent with not loving your child?

Really Kind responses. Unfortunately I do have another child which is why I know how I feel about the older one just isn’t right … some of it is that I have a better idea what’s normal now and what’s just a stage of development. But I do find him difficult. I don’t even think he is, it’s how I respond that’s probably the problem. And of course I do love him in a way but not properly and that’s awful.

I don’t think it’s so very unusual to feel differently about your children, particularly if one is more challenging than the other, or was born at a more difficult period in your life etc. You can love a child whilst not necessarily liking them all that much, or finding their behaviour frustrating.

It’s taboo to admit it, hence why I imagine you probably haven’t sought out support in real life. Have you considered something like play therapy or parent-child interaction therapy, to help you get down on his level, understand his behaviours and personality better, and have an opportunity where it feels like you’re enjoying just being with him and getting to know him rather than fighting a constant battle of wills to get him to do as he’s told, stop winding up his sibling, listen to you etc?

ETA: like with animals, with children behaviour is communication. If you can get to the bottom of what he’s trying to tell the world with his difficult behaviour, you’ll really begin to nurture the bond between you.

I was going to suggest family therapy. A child and family therapist would be good

Never any bond at all? Or going through a tricky time?

Are there other children who do feel bonded? Maybe the expectation and reality of what bonding feels like aren't matched up.

I found my eldest extremely difficult at 4 and probably would have happily given him to another family except that I felt so guilty about the effect it would have on him.

Anyway our relationship slowly got better. He's a teenager now and I'd say we have a good relationship. My second child has been challenging in a similar way but it hasn't been destructive to our relationship in the same way. I know more that I wish I'd known when my eldest was that age. I also have better resources and support myself.

Mostly it was both of us having undiagnosed ADHD clashing with each other in really explosive ways. I think I was also so burnt out from the demands of parenting and didn't know why.

Yes i get it my own sister was like this they have all grown up now.
It can happen that some people dont have that mum bond sister was more like a big sister to her to kids.
She loved them cared for them want for nothing but truth is she never felt like a mother.
She never had any mental health issues just the way she was.
Her children never called her mum either they have a great relationship both kids now live abroad if they need her she will be on the first flight out.
But she never had that mum feeling.

Do you have a parent infant psychotherapy or parent infant relationship service near you? You could look online. Some go up to age 2 others up to age 5. If not, can you have a look on the ACP website for an accredited, properly trained and qualified child psychotherapist, who will listen to you and what you are going throigh, and have been through, and help you both together. These sorts of difficulties can be relatively quick to shift, believe it or not. It may not take too many sessions at this point. It is not too late and there are ways forward. Good luck.

It took me a long time to bond with my DD. I did love her in the sense that I would have done anything to keep her safe, happy, healthy etc, but the real emotional connection took longer to form and I found her challenging and difficult to understand. It started to come very gradually when she was 3. I did struggle with my mental health which had a huge impact. Sometimes I thought she'd be better off with someone else.

A few years on though, we are very close. We have a strong relationship and the bond is definitely there, but it's up and down and there are still phases where I feel the disconnect. I've had to learn how to communicate and connect with her. It's something I am often working to maintain and it changes as she grows.
I was speaking to a friend recently who experienced similar and she said the bond with her youngest almost feels more special now, because it didn't come easy, she had to work at it, so it was intentional. I found that a lovely way to look at it.
I trust that you'll get there in time, but even if you don't, the important thing is that you're there for your son which it sounds like you really are. I think there is so much pressure on us to feel that immediate wonderful bond. It's not always like that.

Thanks, I do really appreciate these responses. I think I’ve found having more than one child really challenging in some ways but I’ve always found spending time with him a bit of a chore as awful as it is to admit that. I don’t feel that about the younger one. I thought for a while it was just the absolute shock of having a small baby I was totally responsible for, couldn’t just do what I wanted any more. I worked three days a week and I sort of dreaded my days off with him, horrible as it is to admit that.

We don’t communicate well and maybe play therapy or something could help with that. I’ve read the books but it just doesn’t seem to work - today for instance he was whining he wanted something I just didn’t have and I did the how to talk ‘I hear that you really want …’ but he doesn’t actually listen to what you’re saying, just whines over you incessantly that he wants it he wants it he wants it until I get so pissed off I yell at him. Not a recommended parenting strategy. Then I feel guilty.

I did the how to talk ‘I hear that you really want …’ but he doesn’t actually listen to what you’re saying, just whines over you incessantly that he wants it he wants it he wants it until I get so pissed off I yell at him.

Maybe more good parents who feel like they’re failing need to hear it, but it’s really a very modern feature of parenting to have the idea that parents should never get angry or show impatience with their children when they’re behaving like brats. My parents love the bones of me, but if I’d whined and cried for something they’d already told me I couldn’t have, there wouldn’t have been any gentle “I hear what you’re saying” bollocks. Parents get annoyed in these situations. And it’s okay to show your child that their bad behaviour makes you annoyed. You clearly feel that there’s something missing in your relationship with your eldest, and that can absolutely be worked on; but don’t ever focus on your frustrated moments as defining that relationship.

Actually I think it's quite common to feel more for the younger one when you have two young ones - it's nature's way of making sure you keep the baby alive too. And the older one can feel quite irritating in comparison. The feelings may well even out a bit as they get older. In the meantime, just act as though you love them both the same. By making an efdort to do that you are actually demonstrating love and care for the older one. Feelings come and go, actuallu it's actions that matter and are tge real rest of love. And it's ok to get fed up and irritable when they're being really annoying btw.

I suspect my ex feels like this with my eldest girl. Just take some time. Your relationship will change. I also agree that I think gentle parenting doesn’t work for all kids and my DD will just scream and moan until I shout back. She’s 7 and we discuss it after! I say sorry but also she doesn’t seem to stop screaming until I do it. Is there anything you enjoy together you can do? Even watching telly? It’s not that unnatural x

Maybe he isn't happy either. 😔

Can you talk to his dad about this, does anyone in your life know?

You need to get to know him and love the person he is, but if he senses your distaste he's not likely to blossom into as likeable person because he'll feel insecure and maybe he's developed maladaptive coping mechanisms.

I feel for you both, and think it sounds like you need some proper help to get you both on track to build a healthy relationship.

This!!! Gentle parenting has gone too far imo. Don't go around shouting at your kids for no reason but if they are being a belligerent brat then they need to know the natural reaction to that is obviously frustration. You have boundaries and you are a human being. I'm sad to hear your bond isn't there just yet but if your kid is at a particularly annoying toddler age then they are pretty unreasonable and hard work and you can't possibly love every minute of it. Keep going OP. I found having my second child incredibly hard, still do. Mine are nearly 4 and 1.

But op is reporting herself that the love is missing.

I agree that you don't love every minute of young children... Or just children... Or just people to be fair... And that they are hard work and we all lose our cool sometimes.

But let's not contradict op's own description of her situation, she isn't suffering from pressure to be a perfect parent or living up to some gentle parenting gone too far... She doesn't love him.

She said so and loves her younger child so knows what she's talking about.

That's a much more important thing to need help with than slicing and dicing parenting styles.

I think someone close to me didn't bond with her older child till he was well past 4. I think like you, the shock of being responsible for a baby and never being able to do what she wanted was very difficult for her. She used to say she went to work to get a break, and she was quite worried about it all. Her DC is not neurotypical but that wasn't obvious when he was small, though he was very energetic and quite rigid about his dislikes. She bonded much sooner with her younger child.

I think there can be a personality clash too, my DF found my one of my DBs annoying and knowing both of them I can see why, I think my DF found my DB's energy and attention seeking too intense, but the peculiar thing is that when DF was dying he wanted that DB to be close and relied on him a lot. Neither of them neurotypical and I think DF found DB stressful when he lived at home.

Are you getting much time and space for yourself? Are you burnt out? Is your second child just an easier child?

I'm sorry you're upset, OP. I think I'd explore this with a professional for yourself.

Agreed. Everyone is quick to jump on the ‘gentle parenting example’ (I’ve got no skin in this game, FWIW) but in doing so ignore her actual issue which is that she knows she feels differently about this child vs the other.