To think if you’re not bonded to your child four years on, you never will be?

[whatiwantis]

I feel obviously awful about it but I just don’t feel like I’m bonded to my four year old at all. I try to fake it … can anyone help, has anyone been in this situation?

My friend was like this. The birth was traumatic, and she had PND. Her first child was a handful, even after the second was born. The constant screaming, whining, and moaning wore her down. The second child was just a different experience.

This isn't your fault OP. We can't just turn feelings on and off. If we could they wouldn't mean anything.

I have a friend who nearly didn't have a second. First was hard work . And had pnd. 2nd was a dream in comparison,
My first is adhd and I love them heaps but it's hard work. Probably a bit ASD too. It's a constant challenge.
My second is way easier to bond with

Be kind to yourself. First DC is hard. Adding a second is harder. Your 4 year old may just be tired a lot from school? I think they are easier to love once they become bigger people

I have a friend who was like this, now her kids are older (high school) she doesn't feel any different and is always praising one who can do no wrong and scapegoating the other who can do no right. I think it's more common than people say but I don't know if there's a solution.

Try and build positive experiences with just you and him.
Can you try and find a shared interest? Can be anything really as long as you both are having fun.
I have a game on my phone. Both me and my 5-year-old son ( Who is very challenging behaviour wise ) play together or separately for example

I found that pretending I was being filmed for a parenting show really helped me in this kind of scenario. Because I was ‘in character’ it was easier not to get irritated.

Can you get to know him - I believe that a huge part of parenting is getting to know the child that you have and then reacting accordingly. Some children are much easier - and some are much harder. Maybe your personalities seem to clash a little - but remember he is only 4! He is small and is still learning about himself and the world and had a long way to go and is unknowingly looking up to you.

Think about what you like about your son. And do more of the activities that you both enjoy. If he moans a lot, there isn’t anything wrong with being stern and telling him off. I used to give my daughter choices when she was younger - if she moaned about something, she had the power to pick between scenario A and scenario B (e.g. stay at home or go to the park) - of course both scenarios have to be things you are willing to do - sometimes it was to pick clothes - you can have dress A or dress B.

Who they are at 4 is nothing like who they are at 8 or 13 - yes parts of their personifies stay st the core and evolve - but they do change.

@ComtesseDeSpair thanks so much for saying that. The modern pressure to be endlessly patient and never to show frustration with one's kids js oppressive and contributes to a lot of parental unhappiness, I think.

It's really hard going from one to two children.
Get yourself a gp appointment and find out whether you are depressed. I didn't realise I was when one of mine was little, it made me very anxious and list my confidence about parenting.
Unfollow anything on social media about parenting!
Try and completely take away the pressure and do one thing together every week. Something really simple, walk to the shop to buy his favourite cake or go to a cafe. A trip to the park just the 2 of you, keep it short just an hour. Don't beat yourself up if it goes wrong, just do it again next week.

Also I found my health visitor helpful and she referred me to my gp. She did a depression/anxiety assessment then referred me to.

OP, I've been there. I'm (almost certainly) autistic, and my son is dxed. I found the baby stage bloody hard work, mostly because he never slept, and then when he was a toddler he had a strong preference for his father. I resented the loss of everything that mattered to me (work, fitness, the quiet I need to function) very badly when he was a baby, too, and that my husband had lost nothing. There were a lot of other circumstances as well, but we didn't really start to bond properly until he was a little older. This is in sharp contrast to his sister, who I was close to from birth. Partly, as you say, as a result of knowing what to expect, partly as a result of my husband seeing what parenthood did to me, partly as a result of her being way more chill. My son is 12 now, and we are very close. I am also close to his sister, but she is probably a bit closer to her Dad. Don't give up hope, but yeah, a few sessions with a therapist may help too.

I think you need therapy, badly. On some level he will know, and it will badly affect his self esteem and happiness.

If you pop your postcode in the link below it will show you your closest parent infant project. I would contact them.

https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/our-work/map-of-teams-and-services/

Thanks. Remember I posted at the end of a tough day. I’d actually put the younger one in nursery for the afternoon so that I could take him to something special and spend some one to one time together but he was so whiny and unpleasant … he was tired though to balance things out. Then we went to collect the little one and she was all smiley and happy, and that was the backdrop against which I posted, I do love him in a way but I find him so challenging too. I guess that’s normal? And thanks @ComtesseDeSpair , I am relieved it isn’t just me!

I wouldn’t say I didn’t bond with DC1, but I don’t have as much of that heart-bursting-with-love feeling as I have with DC2.
I’ve had to make a conscious effort to show him lots of affection, whereas it’s completely effortless with DC2.

I did find it pretty hard to like him for periods when he was younger - I found having some 1:1 time and “love bombing” helpful with this.

As he’s got older, his behaviour has got less challenging, and he enjoys a lot more of the same things that I enjoy (games, books, tv programmes), and I enjoy time with him so much more. He’s now 14, and I would actually pick him over DC2 now if I was spending a weekend with one of them, even though I still have the stronger visceral/emotional feelings for DC2.

I think try not to worry too much. 4 can be a really hard age and he will change. Just make sure you’re showering him with as much love, affection and positive attention as you can, even though it might not be at all enjoyable right now

OP I feel for you,this sounds really distressing. It's not your fault.
Sometimes when we become a mother we are hit with emotions we have not processed from our own childhoods, or even emotions our own mother felt about us but repressed. This can affect the relationship with our child. So I agree with PP saying go and get some counselling to explore this.There could be something historical going on which you're unconsciously projecting onto your DS.

My youngest is like this, he's 10 though. It's because he's ADHD and finds waiting for anything impossible. Might your child be ND?

It is hard to handle and I have on occasion told him to just stop going on. At 4 he was easier to redirect because of his ADHD distractedness, but he's a bit more focused now!