Would not discuss husband’s death (again)

[Sminty2]

My sister and I have always had a loose connection, mostly due to our difficult upbringing. She would move into my life for a few years, then when she was married, or in a relationship, fade away. She is currently single, having left another husband. She has no children.

My husband of nearly forty years died last year and she reappeared in my life to help and support me, which I was very grateful for. It was nice to have my sister around again.

This has been the awful first year of first anniversaries, but in the three days between our wedding anniversary and his first birthday anniversary, she wanted to talk about his symptoms and death again. He was in hospital for several weeks before dying just after Christmas.

I didn’t want to talk about it, or anything really, I Was exhausted from the emotional run of anniversaries and dealing with the sadmin.

She is a nurse in an end of life hospice, so I realise that she’s more used to talking about death than I am.

I said that I was grateful for her concern and that I was just trying to work through my feelings on my own and I’d be back in touch soon.

She responded furiously, telling me to throw her flowers in the bin, that I was her sister and f*ing well had to talk to her etc., she then sent some really awful messages, which I read before she deleted them, and finally said that she was sick of me talking down to her and finished with good bye, in capital letters.

Why would anyone behave like that? It just seems so cruel. Was I so wrong not to talk about it again with her?

Bloody hell that sounds terrible! So sorry op.
You would have thought someone in her job would have had more sensitivity than the average person, but clearly not.

I hope she shows more compassion to her patients than to yoh
honestly, i’d cut ties with her
your grief is yours - I’m very sorry for your loss and all these difficult anniversaries to deal with 💐
your sister sounds awful and there’s a reason you have drifted out of each others lives - let it drift again

Sorry for your loss, op. Sometimes people just don't want to talk about a tragedy and it should be respected and not pushed at x

Real support is allowing people to talk about the loss if they need to and also recognising and respecting when they don't. As a hospice nurse she should realise this better than most and also why you might not want to go through traumatic information, especially when already coping with some first anniversaries.

You are not in the wrong.

I don’t think a normal person would behave like that, in the sense of a person who is mentally and emotionally stable. Not that it makes it easier for you, of course. I think she wanted to play the helper role and probably is caught in a hero/victim triangle and was offended that you didn’t let her play the role of the hero because that would have made her feel good and obviously your grief is all about her. I’m sorry for your loss.

Jesus. There’s something very wrong with her. I wouldn’t want a poisonous presence like her looking after my dying relative.

She's making this all about her, which is what some people do.

She's a nurse (and she's not married at the moment) so end of life care is her identity. And so she feels entitled to know these details, because they feed her image of who she is.

However, this is not about her. This is about you, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who are there to support you, and validate your feelings, and just be with you, without imposing their own agenda. Let her go and get her ego stroked by someone else, and look after yourself.

So sorry for your loss

This. She isn’t quite right mentally, as this is a totally outrageous outburst.

That's an appalling way to behave Op, I'm sorry your DSis is only compounding your grief. She only seems interested in being Sisters when she's single, maybe now you're widowed she had some weird fantasy about you being really close and thought you owed her every detail of your DHs last illness.
Don't contact her Op, let her sulk alone.

Wow. Just wow.

OP as per PPs, you are not wrong. Your sister is in the wrong here.

Do not message her or reach out, this is on her to contact you and apologise for her appalling behaviour.

I'm sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with such a toxic person when you’re grieving.

you haven’t done anything wrong

I am so so sorry OP.
Absolutely batshit toxic.

Please do not allow her near your home again.
It's never worth it with unhinged people like this.

Sorry, OP. She doesn't sound mentally well. Not an excuse but a reason. It's probably not a good time to try and be closer to her (I know she initiated it). Keep your distance now for a bit and I'm sure you have some lovely friends or family around you to support you in a more compassionate way.

Your sister sounds quite unhinged, OP. I'd be quite worried about her. You did nothing wrong. Sorry for your loss.

Your sister sounds a bit unstable to be honest. YANBU.

She is a drain on you and has absalutely no compassion or care.

If you chose not to have contact for the near future, I would not blame you.

After all you have been through, she has chosen to personally assault you and people like this are detrimental to your MH and wellbeing.

Often on MN, I read a post and can imagine the other person’s side — but not in this case. The only reason/time you should talk about your DH’s death is because YOU want to, OP. I’m sorry — both for your loss and your sister’s response to it.

Sorry for the loss of your DH, Op.
As a pp said, your sister is making this about her, not trying to be empathetic to you. And given her professional, she should know better. You are better to keep her at a distance, she is not into a relationship with you for anything other than selfish reasons, and you really don’t need the angst.

Disgusting behaviour from your sister. It’s very shocking that she works in a hospice too, you would have thought she should know how to deal with people grieving.
I wouldn’t want her back in my life after that. She sounds quite cruel.

As a widow of three years, standing in solidarity with you. She's in the throat punch bracket as far as I'm concerned. I have had the biggest learning curve of my life and had to deal with similar sorts who are, to put it bluntly, self centred, entitled, main character grief whores. Because, allegedly, "they mean well" 🙄 we're not allowed to actually eviscerate them either physically or verbally, so the only option is distance. Like, the distance between here and infinity.

And it hurts. It's hurt on top of hurt and it's baffling and leaves one bewildered.

Your grief is your own, and how you manage it is no-one else's business.

I follow a Facebook page called "Refuge in Grief". It is very honest in calling out the behaviour of people around you that is not OK. In fact the strap line of the whole thing is:

"It's okay that you're not okay"

So massive, massive hugs @Sminty2

You don't owe anybody anything and I'm so sorry you're in the shitty club xxxx

I found that when my DF died some of my Hospice colleagues asked a lot of questions about the death but had a very fixed idea of what 'good' looked like.

My DF hadn't had that sort of death and honestly they made me feel worse.

So sadly it doesn't surprise me that OP's sister had a fixed idea of what bereavement support looked like.

OP you do what is right for you.

I am sorry for your loss OP. I opened this thread expecting it to be you who wanted to talk about your husband's death and a family member who didn't have the appetite to listen because it made them uncomfortable. It just goes to show that we all deal with grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong way of handling it, just personal preference.

Sometimes the bereaved complain that the people around them seem frightened to mention the deceased person in case it's too triggering for their widowed partner or their family. This can result in feeling like their memory is being deliberately erased by other people's reluctance to bring them up in conversation. Or they will close down conversations when the bereaved person tries to talk about their loved one, for fear that it will get too deep and maudlin, and they will have a blubbering mess on their hands and won't know what to do. People are terrified of saying the wrong thing when someone dies, so they often opt for saying as little as possible beyond trite platitudes and clichés about time being a healer etc.

Yet here you are and the opposite is happening. Your sister wants to emote and get you to open up and you aren't ready. I don't know why your sister is reacting the way she is. I guess she's been trained to encourage people to talk as part of the healing process and she doesn't have the emotional intelligence to realise that just isn't right for you yet, or to read the signs that she's pushed it too far and she needs to take your lead on it. She probably feels she's in a good position to counsel you and you are ungratefully snubbing her?

She's being petulant and silly, this isn't about her and she should stop making it about her. But it is a bit of a minefield and it's no wonder that people would sometimes rather cross the road to avoid someone than have to risk saying the wrong thing after a bereavement.

She is a grief vulture a ghoul who loves ripping the plaster off your grief

Fucking hell do not have her near you again

As a hospice nurse, she knows better than to badger someone to talk about their loved one's dying process.

I can't even begin to think of why she would do that and throw a fit when you understandably are having a difficult time and don't feel like talking about it. The only thing I can think of is some people just think they know best and get really controlling about it and have a tantrum when they're told know. I would say keep her at a distance for a while.

My sympathies on your loss.

If you respond I would reply with
'Wow, I didn't realise this anniversary was all about you. Silly me'