Would not discuss husband’s death (again)

[Sminty2]

My sister and I have always had a loose connection, mostly due to our difficult upbringing. She would move into my life for a few years, then when she was married, or in a relationship, fade away. She is currently single, having left another husband. She has no children.

My husband of nearly forty years died last year and she reappeared in my life to help and support me, which I was very grateful for. It was nice to have my sister around again.

This has been the awful first year of first anniversaries, but in the three days between our wedding anniversary and his first birthday anniversary, she wanted to talk about his symptoms and death again. He was in hospital for several weeks before dying just after Christmas.

I didn’t want to talk about it, or anything really, I Was exhausted from the emotional run of anniversaries and dealing with the sadmin.

She is a nurse in an end of life hospice, so I realise that she’s more used to talking about death than I am.

I said that I was grateful for her concern and that I was just trying to work through my feelings on my own and I’d be back in touch soon.

She responded furiously, telling me to throw her flowers in the bin, that I was her sister and f*ing well had to talk to her etc., she then sent some really awful messages, which I read before she deleted them, and finally said that she was sick of me talking down to her and finished with good bye, in capital letters.

Why would anyone behave like that? It just seems so cruel. Was I so wrong not to talk about it again with her?

Thank you all. I hadn’t really acknowledged how wrong this is until I put it on paper. I thought it was my fault. Since he was first admitted to hospital, she has wanted every detail, every drug, every medical comment , ostensibly to check he was receiving the right treatment, so I’ve been like a slowly boiled frog in many respects.

Reading your kind, thoughtful and generous comments, has made me think back over the years and notice that the pattern isn’t new. But I think grief worked like blinkers, and blinded me, I was just so grateful to have someone who seemed to care so much. Grief makes you very vulnerable.

I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, loving my grown up children (who have been amazing), my dear friends and being ok, with not being ok.

You are a phenomenal group of people. Thank you.