To feel my boyfriend has messed me about with lunch plan?

[Celia24]

I’ll preface this by saying I’m going to a funeral in a few days so I’m all over the place generally. I’m still sorting my eulogy among the general stress of it.

My boyfriend lives a couple of hours away so we plan his transport in advance of what suits. I mostly work from home and I’m working home tomorrow.

Yesterday he said I’ll come to yours early if that’s ok, so we can have lunch together. Around 12. I replied this would be lovely, and mentioned I have a meeting at 1.30pm to reiterate the eating early part.

This morning he tells me he’s arriving on the 1.50pm train ‘so we’ll need to have a late lunch’. I feel so bloody annoyed about this and find it inconsiderate. AIBU?

Yanbu. Just message back and say that you have a meeting, so you'll be having an early lunch, and he'll have to sort himself out for food. You'll see him after your meeting.

YANBU. Did you not just respond with 'No, that won't work for me. It has to be before such a time due to work'?

The thing is he won’t change it now because it’s booked. I bet it’s a cheaper ticket to what he originally suggested.

I already so much have to think about and the thought of lunch with him was like an oasis among the other crap. Now it’s become more crap!

Maybe he forgot? Or thought you could have lunch after your meeting?
Just ask him

surely it's a typing error and he meant to type 11.50 train

otherwise you inform him that you are...
working.

I’d just message back that doesn’t work for me I have a meeting at 1.30pm, that’s why I suggested an early lunch.

does he have plans in the morning that he’s getting the later train?

I don’t want to make a big deal because we are then spending valentines weekend together until Monday

but I find it inconsiderate and it’s upset me.

Why aren't you just putting a stop to it and telling him to either cancel or rebook? You have power in this situation.

Don’t make a big deal of it. Just say it’s a shame I am working then but I’m looking forward to catching up at the weekend.

Usually a change of plan wouldn’t be the end of the world but when bereaved this chopping and changing is another thing to stress about.

For me it’s the fact he said he’d come early so we could eat lunch together acknowledging I was busy. Then just tells me he’s not doing that anymore.

Regular thing, bad.
First time inconsideration, no biggie.

Just tell him to cancel as the timing doesn't work for you, and you will be in a meeting for some time after his arrival, hence need to eat before you go into the meeting. As you'd clearly stated.

And yes, this.

This.

Don't get drawn into arguments or "why" or how can I fix it.

That won't work for me, see you later.

Clean cut and simple.

Why should he bother being considerate of your work plans when he knows he'll get a weekend of shagging anyway?

Cynical? Moi? 😆

I mean... it's a minor change of plan and he probably just forgot that you had a meeting at 1.30pm. I don't think this is that big a deal. I think sometimes in life we have to be a bit flexible, and he's travelling two hours to visit you.

I can see why this would be a minor irritation but 'upset' and needing to start an AIBU thread seems quite an extreme reaction to a tiny thing. Unless we're about to get a big drip-feed in which we learn that this is just one of a million other things he's done.

He hasn’t done it before, but can be scatter brained/thoughtless every so often.

I’ve told him I’ll have lunch myself as I am working. I’m still disappointed he made a big deal about coming early to have lunch together then not bothering.

It’s not the end of the world but it’s inconsiderate. And probably grief is making it seem much worse

If you’ve already got a lot of ‘crap’ to deal with why make this a thing to add to the pile? Stand back and look how silly this minor thing is in the grand scheme of things? He’s coming later…. Have lunch at home attend your 1:30 meeting then go out for tea with your bf. How enjoyable would it be anyway having to rush lunch because you’ve got to go to a meeting?

If you are wanting him to give you a bit of handholding and tender loving care because you are recently bereaved and preparing for the eulogy get ready to be disappointed as he may not meet your expectations. You took “I will come early and have lunch with you” as a sign of ardor or compassion but he doesn’t seem to realize that and just treated the whole thing rather casually.

@Coconutter24 because it was a nice thing to start with. He suggested coming early for 12 to lunch together because he knew I was working. He offered to go to a deli to bring lunch (also helpful, as I’ve barely had time to shop between work and funeral plans).

If he’d come at 12, we’d have had ample time to lunch and would not have had to rush. I think he shouldn’t have made a nice suggestion he couldn’t be arsed with. @pikkumyy77 exactly this is how I read his original intentions.

What did you reply to his message?

It was a nice thing to offer but plans change, yeh it’s disappointing but there’s no reason you can’t make new plans

Given your update, more specifically the language and my perception of your mindset, I think you need to step away and just consider if this is a hill you want to make a mountain.

"he shouldn’t have made a nice suggestion he couldn’t be arsed with."

It seems like you both have different ideas on intentions, and maybe you might be expecting more from simple interactions than he is thinking. Id not go hell for leather at this because you didn't stipulate prior to these plans

Listen this lunch date is hugely important to me, I'm going through a helluva lot of shit and I'd appreciate the time, effort and support to get through it.

It was " let's meet for lunch, I'll get there early".

Communication is key, especially when you're going through so much external stuff, don't assume they know what you want or expect, they aren't in your head.

Just have a snack before your meeting and a nice late lunch with your boyfriend afterwards? Does it have to be a big drama? It's a minor change of plan!