To think my friend is projecting her own unhappiness into world events?

[myrtleleech]

I have a friend whom I deeply care for, but she’s always been quite complicated. Over the time I’ve known her, she’s dealt with a lot of emotional struggles, largely due to a difficult upbringing. She tends to get very emotionally invested in certain causes like environmental issues, feminism, and others, often to the point where it consumes her and shapes her perspective on everything.

Recently, she has become fixated on the war in Gaza. At her child's 6th birthday party, she decorated the space with Gaza flags and slogans. When she shared footage of the party on social media, she edited in images of injured children from Gaza, saying she couldn’t forget the suffering of the people there, even during moments of happiness like her child’s celebration.

She had a rough childhood, with one of her parents struggling with mental health issues, and I know she carries a lot of emotional pain, which she often redirects onto other things. Unfortunately, her constant online activity, where she reads and believes all sorts of conspiracy theories, has made things even worse. I also find her actions somewhat inappropriate—she seems to be using the suffering of people in Gaza, whom she has no direct connection to, as a way to project her own unresolved issues.

I honestly think she might need professional support, as her obsession is taking a toll. It feels completely inappropriate for her to make everything about Gaza, especially when it involves her kids.

I’m not sure she’s projecting her own unhappiness. There are some people in the world who are like this (my neighbour being one of them - always fighting/supporting a cause). But to let it impact her child’s birthday is sheer madness and doesn’t sound fair on her child at all.

I don't think it's entirely crazy to be invested in a cause. Lots of people do, I know people that post daily about the pain and suffering of others, ones who volunteer to raise money for humanitarian causes. This includes Gaza.

I don't know your friend so I can't comment on whether she does project her own suffering through others. I'd need a clearer example of this. If your friend is a refugee from a war torn country for example, and then speaks up for Palestinians, that would be totally understandable. If it's something wildly unrelated and she is saying my pain is the same as their pain then it would be questionable - again hard to tell.

As to decorating your child's birthday in this... unless her family is from there and she's asking for donations instead of gifts, then it's a tad too far.

I think its hard to convey what I mean if you don't know her. There is definitely something pathological about her "activism" she actually can't alter anything about the situation in Gaza but she lets it consumer her in ways that take her away from the ways she actually could make a real difference. Its like she uses all this angst and fury which she directs to something out side herself, something she can't control and uses that as a kind of escape from her own inner pain and issues. Its almost like an addiction.

Honestly this sounds awful and a big unhinged to me, how does she even have the time with 6 children?

And to monopolise her childs bday party for her own political agenda is awful, I feel so sorry for her kids.

Theres having a cause to support and theres being fanatical

I feel like I know what you mean, its not the cause itself that actually matters or that shes passionate about, she just needs something to be fanatical about and that's why she changes her "cause" every so often

I don't think it's entirely crazy to be invested in a cause. Lots of people do, I know people that post daily about the pain and suffering of others, ones who volunteer to raise money for humanitarian causes. This includes Gaza.

I would agree with that. To be honest, I remember the conflict in Gaza since my childhood as it's been talked about for ages but last year I looked into it in more detail for the first time and frankly I was absolutely horrified by the extent of what's happening too and at times brought to tears by the suffering of innocent children who are not at all responsible for any actions of political or religous entities in the region or outside of it. Your friend isn't alone in these feelings as I have seen newsreaders from several countries crying on TV while reporting on this conflict. Volunteer doctors have been reduced to tears while testifying on the state of affairs in Gaza like in this example https://www.youtube.com/shorts/x3QpRMDw3OY

While some people don't pay attention to anything that doesn't concern them directly or manage to not get involved too deeply, others can be a lot more sensitive to the suffering of others. I am not really sure what conspiracy theories have to do with it as a lot of people are also in the habit of referring to anything that doesn't align with the mainstream news as conspiracy theories.

Recently, she has become fixated on the war in Gaza. At her child's 6th birthday party, she decorated the space with Gaza flags and slogans. When she shared footage of the party on social media, she edited in images of injured children from Gaza, saying she couldn’t forget the suffering of the people there, even during moments of happiness like her child’s celebration.

Some party for a child! We are all bombarded with appalling images and with a sense of total impotence in the face of man's inhumanity to man, but we have to set some boundaries that allow us to stay sane, and to have our child enjoy a party in innocence. Time enough for the poor child to absorb the ubiquitous misery - part of our job as parents is to protect from this when small.

a 6th birthday party is not the time/place for Gaza flags/slogans. Absolutely unhinged.

And editing the photos to have injured children? I'd be distancing myself personally.

Yeah actually, the more I re-read that part specifically I can't justify it.

Especially the SM birthday post. Something very uncomfortable about posting a picture of your kid eating birthday cake with a sticker of a poor child from Gaza. Does she at least post a link in the comments to donate? That's more like activism.

This.

I think she does genuinely care about her causes, she is a very compassionate person but it goes way beyond that.

I must say despite the fact that I don't think it's particularly strange to care deeply about the suffering of others, I probably wouldn't start bringing Gaza or anything of that kind into kids' birthday parties. If her children already have everything they could possibly wish for, she could have asked for charity donations for Gaza instead of birthday gifts and left it at that. This could have been easily done by email to the parents of other kids invited to the party.

@yakamoza There is nothing wrong with caring or being an activist, I've done marches with her and taken part in awareness raising and fund raising on this very issue but its the extent to which it consumes her and colours every part of her life and by extension the lives of her children while never facing up to her own personal issues.

As for conspiracy theories you mentioned in your other post, she believes that the October 7th attack on Israel was an "inside job" and false flag.

its the extent to which it consumes her and colours every part of her life and by extension the lives of her children while never facing up to her own personal issues.

@myrtleleech to be honest if it really bothers you a lot and there is nothing else but Gaza that you can talk to her about, then perhaps it's time to go your separate ways as I can't see how you can stay connected with someone who basically lives in Gaza in her mind.

Many mental health issues are inheritable to some degree so she may have inherited issues from her mother. Alternatively she may behave that way due to issues during her childhood affecting her mental health now.

I agree with you that one way or another she really needs help with her MH. Making your child's party about the terrible things happening in Gaza is really inappropriate. She is in turn going to be affecting her children with this sort of behaviour.

I'm a big supporter of Palestine. But that Gaza birthday party.......

It reminds me of something a friend told me about her childhood.

She said her Dad would sometimes interrupt her when she was contentedly playing, just to remind her of all the suffering in the world.

When she grew up, a therapist told her that it was a form of emotional abuse.

Poor kids.

I know what you mean. I have a friend a bit like this (although I think she is phasing me out).

This is very worrying behaviors on her part and she needs to seek support from a professional.
I do find world events with children being killed and hurt more difficult to comprehend since becoming a mother however this nothing I would ever show my children . She is doing them a massive disservice by exposing them to horrors such as this when they do not have the level of comprehension and understanding to emotionally deal with it

And to bring in other people's children into this at a birthday party is unacceptable.

Ah, so she's actually an Anti-Semite.

If, when you meet her, you were to say that you just didn’t want to talk about Palestine today, what would be her reaction? I have said this to someone and it was weird - she just couldn’t stay off it.

I get it. I had a friend who became severely. clinically depressed and during this time she became hyper focussed, and depressed, about climate change. I think it must be something to do with your brain trying to find a reason and focus for your pain and unhappiness.

However, your friend has taken this to unhealthy extremes - her poor kids.

And if she believes Oct 7th was some sort of Israeli conspiracy then she has become anti-Semitic. There has been a real rise in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories (not surprising being as Jews have long being the subject of conspiracy theories). I've really noticed it coming through in things people I know in RL say, who read conspiracy theories.

As for conspiracy theories you mentioned in your other post, she believes that the October 7th attack on Israel was an "inside job" and false flag.

@myrtleleech unfortunately you will not be able to persuade her otherwise. It's clear that she is reading something beyond the BBC, the CNN and the like and frankly I haven't a clue what evidence you or anyone else could offer her beyond what the BBC or similar sources would say on this topic that would convincingly prove to her that it wasn't. She can always say that the BBC and the CNN also told us that Iraq had WMDs and we later found out they didn't but by then we were already involved in an illegal invasion and destruction of someone else's country that resulted from those accusations. She wouldn't be wrong on that and to be honest I don't know that we know today will stand the test of time. Nobody does.

It does sound like she is engrossed in this topic much more than would be healthy for her own state of mind. I don't know how close you are to her as a friend but if it's not so close that you'd be heartbroken to lose her as such, then I'd take it as drifting so far apart that her interests made it impossible for you to maintain your friendship and start keeping distance from her at least until she recovers from the traumatic events in Gaza maybe.

Absolutely not. What an awful suggestion. If an adult wants to give up their own birthday presents to donations to a cause, fair enough. But making your six year old give up their presents in favour of a cause the parent cares about?! Absolutely effing not! That's vile self-absorption by parent. Its bloody horrible!

Genuine question, why does thinking inside job is anti-Semitic?

It sounds as if she gets extremely obsessive and hyper-focused on her causes in a way that's quite unhealthy. It almost sounds like she approaches her activism as if it's akin to being a super-fan of a band or a TV show or something - you know when someone gets massively into a fandom around something they like, and starts bringing it into every conversation and everything they do? She's basically made her activism her fandom and her identity. The cause itself has become secondary to her interest in it, if that makes sense.

It's beyond fucking weird to theme a child's party around the Middle East conflict. I'm angry and distressed about what's happening in Gaza too, but I haven't made that my entire personality.