Am I nagging?

[Jamontoast123x]

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years this year. We have 4 children together. I just wanted to know if anyone else’s partner does this or just mine, he will come home from work spend some time downstairs with us and then he will go upstairs , lay in bed/on the bed watching tv, enjoying his own company. Sometimes he will even eat dinner up there. When he’s off work, he pretty much does the same. We will take kids out and then as soon as we come back in he will make a point of saying he’s chilling out now and he will come upstairs and do just that. I say to him a lot I want to spend more time with him but he always says he likes his own company and he can’t watch what he wants downstairs as our toddler watches stuff. Which I get but what happened to speaking and just enjoying each others company?

Aibu for nagging him to stop doing this or does anyone else’s partner/husband do this?

How about a compromise?

He spends SOME of his spare time chilling alone, and some of it with you.

I'm not sure it's helpful to label things "nagging". Whether it is or not is largely irrelevant to the problem you have. Plus some mumsnetters will say it is and some will say it isn't. Has your partner accused you of being a nag?

Nagging is a very misogynist term.

He doesn't want to spend time with you or the family. It's not 'nagging' to want to spend time with your husband or expect him to contribute.

I couldn't stand being with someone who couldn't even eat a meal with me and chose to eat it in bed.

I'm sure you don't want to watch the same things as your toddler either but surely your toddler is in bed in the evening. I'd tell him to shape up or ship out.

If he likes his own company so much he shouldn't have had children. He is being a lousy parent, a lousy partner, and is modelling really bad behaviour.

As another poster said 'nagging' is just a misogynistic term used to shut women up.

He sounds like an absolute selfish waste of space to be honest. The way he is behaving absolutely isn't normal. A good man would be an equal parent sharing the load and wanting to spend time with his family.

I can imagine with a full time job and 4 kids he needs some time alone. I certainly would.
But, it's whether there's a fair split going on - do you get time to yourself? Do you get time as a couple? Does he pull his weight at home?

Yeah I’ve said spend time with us and he does but he can’t wait to get up there and be on his own. It feels like we only ever spend time together when we doing sexual stuff which I’ve told him aswell but he doesn’t listen. No not a nag in so many words, he just says back off him a bit which to me isn’t much different. And he’s saying that cos I say oh your going upstairs then to spend time on your own. Makes me feel like what’s the point of even being here when you can’t even spend time with us. Yeah the toddler goes to bed around 7-8 but by then hes either asleep as he works shift work, or he makes an excuse to sleep downstairs most of the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you feel he's checking out?

It's quite reasonable for a person to want to spend time by themselves to some extent.

But if you are a partner and a parent it's very selfish and unreasonable to expect to spend all your time at home by yourself " chilling out".

Infact it appears your partner has largely checked out of family life.

Have the conversation with him that this isn't really the way family life should be and tell him how you feel about it. If he still thinks you are " nagging" then think seriously about whether there is any point to your relationship going forward

I don’t think it’s a clear cut answer really. I’m not surprised that after a full day at work & coming home to 4 kids he wants some time to himself, I only have 1 child and I look forward to my bath for some peace on my own, I love my husband but sometimes you just need your own space.

When do you get to sit upstairs on your own and watch whatever you want on the tv in peace while he sorts out everything else?

And when exactly do you get your time alone?

Does he pull his weight in regards to house work, day to day admin and childcare?

OP he uses you for sex then sleeps downstairs. He shouldn't have chosen to have four children if he doesn't want family life.

He's a waste of space.

Firegazing time is important psychologically. Just make sure you're having some too.

Do you both work? Do you both share the child care and household tasks? When you say he comes home from work and spends some time with you, how much time is he spending with you/his kids? Does he ever sit downstairs in the evening with you once the kids are in bed?

I get him wanting to 'chill out' and have some downtime to himself after work and he has obviously chosen to do this by going upstairs by himself and watching TV on his own and I don't think there is anything wrong with him being allowed to unwind after work. As long as he also pulls his weight with the kids and as long as you get your downtime too. Some people unwind by going to the gym, doing a hobby outside of the home, going for a run etc but he obviously like to be alone to watch TV for a bit.

However, there is having some 'chill time' and taking the piss and its difficult to know from your post which this is. I would try and reach a compromise somewhere so that you spend time together as a family, together as a couple and he gets his 'alone chill time' too.

This is poles apart from my household. Both partner and I work full time but as soon as we’re in the door it’s family time. The thought of a person going away to watch tv / read a book / even do life admin is not acceptable to me.

that said you can’t make him want to spend time with you as a family. But what is more reasonable is make him realise the imbalance of him shirking his family responsibility and the impact that has on you, his so-calledpartner in life. Because you do not sound like partners at the moment. If he thinks it’s ok to eat away from the family then you both get that ‘privilege’ and so take turns to do it. If he gets to go upstairs and watch an episode / have a nap / whatever then you both have equal right to do that so the next day he come in and is 100% in charge of everything and you get to hide upstairs. Therefore he realises the knock on effect his past behaviour has on you and therefore in the future he is empowered to make the decision ‘actually I did have a really tough day at work today and I do just need 20 mins to unwind before I can engage with the family. But I know it means another day my partner gets to make that decision and I will 100% have to be in charge of all family stuff then not just sharing that responsibility’

But at least eating together when you’re all in the house would be non-negotiable to me

You could beat him to it and say you're heading upstairs for some time on your own. See how he likes it.

Did you force him to have 4 children ? No, I didn't think so. So this deadbeat dad need to start being a parent. Right now he's at a hotel /brothel where he calls on the hostess for sexual services, otherwise he wishes to be alone. Why stay with someone like that? And I would definitely not want to have sex with a selfish pig.

he says he likes his own company 🤷🏻‍♀️ he will do the kitchen for me sometimes and hoover, he will sort out the older ones while I’m dealing with the littles sometimes. As for chilling together when there in bed, not really. We occasionally will watch something together but that’s in a blue moon. He works shift work so sometimes he’s on earlies, sometimes he’s on lates. When he’s on earlies he comes home from work sees us all, has tea and then goes upstairs, when he’s on lates he will lay in bed till about an hour before he has to leave (I’m fine with this as he gets in late) but he won’t make no effort really in coming down, or if he does it’s to get cereal, go toilet, or go to the gym.

no I don’t get time to chill out only when the kids are in bed. I’m literally trying my hardest but now I feel like I’m begging for the bare minimum

So much to unpack with your post.

When do you get time to chill? He just sods off to another room, doors closed, his chill time. He's got 4 kids, his chill time is when they are all sleeping.

You're not nagging, stop letting him use that term, stop using it yourself.

When he next does it, shout to him that you're off out to the coffee shop/spa/god knows (not anything associated with household tasks i.e shopping), and he has the responsibility of HIS kids while you take some time to chill.

Absolutely abhorrent behaviour. All down to you, its always your job is it?

he's not doing the kitchen for you.

HE LIVES THERE.

You need to stop with the terms that label all household actions as YOUR JOB.

No, no, no. He's not cleaning HIS kitchen FOR you. It's not a favour. It's called being a father and a partner and contributing to the upkeep of the house be actually lives in.

He's not doing anything for you, OP, he lives there and they're his children. He's a parent and lives in the house, therefore he pulls his weight.

Sounds like my dad. When he wasn't at work he was usually in bed, chain smoking silk cut, watching the only colour telly in the house and drinking tea.
Sometimes he'd don the 'dressing gown of doom' and sit downstairs commandeering the other telly for football. And drinking Heineken.
When he retired the dressing gown literally became permanent..
Happy as a pig in shit he was. So I didn't mind much.
He still took me out on a Sunday for interesting walks. And we danced around the front room to his old records a lot!

I’m quite old fashioned as I’m a stay at home mum I don’t mind most of the household chores being down to me but it’s when he takes the fucking piss. He was ill all last week with the flu, he was in bed the whole time he was really poorly with it, I bent over backwards to help. Bringing him food, tablets, you name it. He then said to me if I got it even though it’s really bad I’d just have to pop some pills as he can’t take more time of work to help me like I helped him. That’s fine I’m a mum we just get on with it.

it’s just annoying and really draining now I bend over backwards for him and he just doesn’t like spending time with me at all. Or the kids. They always ask why daddy sits upstairs and yeah of course winding down after work is fine, but it’s alllllll the time. His mum has come round before and he’s spent the whole time upstairs playing his game 🤷🏻‍♀️ when the weather warms up he just lays outside in the garden and if anyone goes out he comes in in a huff because he’s trying to chill 🤷🏻‍♀️