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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I nagging?

53 replies

Jamontoast123x · 11/02/2025 11:08

I’ve been with my partner for 12 years this year. We have 4 children together. I just wanted to know if anyone else’s partner does this or just mine, he will come home from work spend some time downstairs with us and then he will go upstairs , lay in bed/on the bed watching tv, enjoying his own company. Sometimes he will even eat dinner up there. When he’s off work, he pretty much does the same. We will take kids out and then as soon as we come back in he will make a point of saying he’s chilling out now and he will come upstairs and do just that. I say to him a lot I want to spend more time with him but he always says he likes his own company and he can’t watch what he wants downstairs as our toddler watches stuff. Which I get but what happened to speaking and just enjoying each others company?

Aibu for nagging him to stop doing this or does anyone else’s partner/husband do this?

OP posts:
Dror · 11/02/2025 12:07

It's not a good idea to be utterly dependent on a boyfriend. Can you seek employment?

Never sacrifice your pension or job to raise kids for a man with no marriage contract.

This boyfriend openly isn't interested in your or his kids and just uses you as a domestic appliance. Is this really all you want from life?

RedAnt · 11/02/2025 12:09

To me, it's almost inconceivably selfish of your DH to think what he does is ok, and I wouldn't tolerate it for long. He basically sounds like a teenage boy 🤢

My partner and I always took turns with breaks and "chill out time" when the kids were younger and, even now, there's rarely a time when we don't pay the other one back for any chance they've had to relax.

The point being that almost everyone would love to do nothing while the other partner merrily does everything, but only thoroughly inconsiderate and selfish people who didn't really care about their kids and partner would actually try to enact that fantasy.

babyproblems · 11/02/2025 12:22

He sounds like a passenger in your family and not actively carrying much of the ‘load’… is he lazy? Can’t be arsed? He sounds like a crappy dad and crappier partner… I wouldn’t tolerate someone behaving like this. Aren’t you angry he is taking all these free moments for himself? I would imagine you are pretty busy in comparison. Probably too busy to lie in bed and enjoy your own company!!

user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 12:41

I can understand that he might relax for 20 minutes of an evening after work. Then you should be able to relax for a similar time. Go up and swap with him or join him?

Both help to get the children ready for bed, clean their teeth etc. read stories and then both go upstairs.
Are the children going to bed too late?

Naunet · 11/02/2025 12:55

SAHM, 'traditional', but doesn't sound like you're married? So just another skivvy putting herself in an extremely vulnerable position for a man that doesn't respect or appreciate it?

Why do women continue to do this to themselves? It's so bloody depressing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2025 13:00

Rhaidimiddim · 11/02/2025 11:15

If he likes his own company so much he shouldn't have had children. He is being a lousy parent, a lousy partner, and is modelling really bad behaviour.

This!

He’s not just “enjoying his own company”, he’s ducking out of the shared work of looking after the children. This isn’t something he gets to do as a parent.

The default during time when neither of you are out at work is that you’re both responsible for looking after the children. Anything else has to be negotiated.

If he wants to spend time alone whilst the kids are in the house, you need to get equal time to just go and “chill” whilst he parents solo, and then you need to arrange time to be all together. He doesn’t get to just melt away when he feels like it.

Also, “nagging” is a misogynistic term when used in this way.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2025 13:06

I can’t believe he even had the audacity to tell you you wouldn’t be allowed to rest like he had if you were ill - without it even having happened! He’s just saying “you’re less of a person than I am btw”.

AnonymousBleep · 11/02/2025 13:07

He sounds like a selfish manchild who doesn't care about family life. Why do you bend over backwards for him when you know it'll never be reciprocated? I suppose the thing to weigh up is whether this is really what you want for the rest of your life. He's a husband and dad in name only.

ETA - he's obviously one of those men that thinks, because he's working and financing the house and you're a SAHM, you are there to serve him as he's effectively 'paying your wages.' Urgh!

Dror · 11/02/2025 13:10

AnonymousBleep · 11/02/2025 13:07

He sounds like a selfish manchild who doesn't care about family life. Why do you bend over backwards for him when you know it'll never be reciprocated? I suppose the thing to weigh up is whether this is really what you want for the rest of your life. He's a husband and dad in name only.

ETA - he's obviously one of those men that thinks, because he's working and financing the house and you're a SAHM, you are there to serve him as he's effectively 'paying your wages.' Urgh!

Edited

He's not a husband, and doesn't parent.
OP needs to get financial security and forget this pointless man.

Summerhillsquare · 11/02/2025 13:10

Rhaidimiddim · 11/02/2025 11:15

If he likes his own company so much he shouldn't have had children. He is being a lousy parent, a lousy partner, and is modelling really bad behaviour.

This. I am that person therefore I didn't have kids!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2025 13:20

Summerhillsquare · 11/02/2025 13:10

This. I am that person therefore I didn't have kids!

Show quote history

Tbh I’m that person but I didn’t realise til after I had my kids. Turns out my exh is also someone who loves being alone.

The fair thing would of course have been to make sure we had equal alone time as well as some time all together. He of course thought he was entitled to all of it whilst I slogged on. That’s one reason why he’s an ex!

I of course love spending time with my kids as well, but I need some alone time to function. Getting divorced was brilliant as it forced the sharing (up to a point, exh decided that Covid lockdowns were definitely times when he couldn’t be expected to do anything… 🤔).

But just to be ultra clear, my kids didn’t get deprived of company or neglected because I made sure I made the effort - and I do love their company too - just because I know someone will choose to misread.

Now mine are old enough that they also crave alone time so we rub along very nicely, all having some quiet time and some time together.

mintirn · 11/02/2025 13:23

He sounds checked out of family life and its not acceptable. Sure he might need a bit of time to decompress but what about you. He's taking the piss.

Clarice99 · 11/02/2025 13:24

Rhaidimiddim · 11/02/2025 11:15

If he likes his own company so much he shouldn't have had children. He is being a lousy parent, a lousy partner, and is modelling really bad behaviour.

Spot on!!!

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 11/02/2025 13:33

OP. He doesn’t clean anything “for you” - it’s his kids/house/life too!
It is also not “fine” that you don’t get a chance to rest when you are sick.
I think you might need to focus on your own thought processes first, then work on him.
I had to train my DH up. It took some time. “Do you want to do bedtime with child A or child B tonight”?
“do you want to do bath time or clean the kitchen (including scrubbing pots and wiping sides etc - none of this loading the dishwasher and sodding off to sit on your arse BS)
and on and on.
Sort of like asking a toddler if he wants his shoes or coat on first. Basically the world in which he lazes around like a Lady of the Manor while I run around like fucking Cinderella doesn’t exist and I told him just that.
Now I don’t need to tell him anything, he just does it. Just as well, as I wasn’t prepared to spend my one and only turn on this earth as a skivvy.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2025 13:38

You are simply another domestic appliance op, with a vagina.
He has checked out, he can't even sleep in the same bed as you and you aren't married?
How long have you left yourself vulnerable like this, the whole 12yrs?
I'd get back to work ASAP because this relationship is dead in the water isn't it.

Hankunamatata · 11/02/2025 13:41

How did family life evolve? Was there a discussion around having children and what life might look like? Has he always been like this?

Original poster
Jamontoast123x · 11/02/2025 13:43

I can’t reply to you all invidually but I totally get you all what you’re all saying. He feels like he’s so entitled cos he works etc. no we’re not married but as good as but honestly I plan to do stuff with the kids and he always makes it clear how he’s chilling out and stuff after. He says I can have my chill out time when the older ones are at school but I’ve got 2 toddlers (twins) and they don’t always sleep in the day time and if they do one will sleep the other won’t etc vice versa , now I know it’s not a normal thing to do I will be having words with him cos I didn’t know if every man done it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamontoast123x · 11/02/2025 13:44

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2025 13:38

You are simply another domestic appliance op, with a vagina.
He has checked out, he can't even sleep in the same bed as you and you aren't married?
How long have you left yourself vulnerable like this, the whole 12yrs?
I'd get back to work ASAP because this relationship is dead in the water isn't it.

Edited

No he does, but sometimes he will make any excuse to go downstairs and I have to remind him of this aswell 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamontoast123x · 11/02/2025 13:49

Hankunamatata · 11/02/2025 13:41

How did family life evolve? Was there a discussion around having children and what life might look like? Has he always been like this?

Yeah I fell pregnant when we was together a year, and that was fine then we bought moved into our own home and then we had an opsie he wasn’t really on board but that’s his own fault for not wearing anything. That pregnancy was ok lack of support but it got better as she got older. Then we sold that house and bought a bigger one and I started to feel the urge to have another and he agreed as he comes from a big family anyway, and would never regret having a child but could regret not having one iykwim. I fell pregnant with my twins and I think it was a shock to the system as we were only expecting 1 , then to find out we had 2. I was over the moon. Fast forward to now, I say this but he’s a great dad always there for his kids, always provides for us etc , at the most he’s a great partner too I just feel like at times he wants the best of both worlds

OP posts:
Dampfnudeln · 11/02/2025 13:50

When my DC were small, DH was the stay at home parent. I have a short commute, which I thought of as my downtime. When I got home from work, I got stuck in with family life. After DC were in bed, I enjoyed chilling out together with DH. I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have opted out of family life in this way. It's selfish and it's disrespectful to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2025 13:50

Who owns the house OP? “We” didn’t do anything if the house is only in one person’s name if you’re not married.

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 13:55

or he makes an excuse to sleep downstairs most of the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

So he comes in from work, buggers off upstairs to bed (where he eats his meals too?!), then when you go to bed, he goes downstairs and sleeps down there? Unless he wants sex I presume?

Wow. Please tell me you don't take his meals up to the bedroom for him....

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 13:57

he will come home from work spend some time downstairs with us and then he will go upstairs , lay in bed/on the bed watching tv, enjoying his own company. Sometimes he will even eat dinner up there. When he’s off work, he pretty much does the same.

he’s a great dad always there for his kids

Huh?????????

No he isn't!!! He is an absolutely terrible father and a piss poor role model to his kids!!! What type of parent lies in bed watching TV and eating their meals whilst their children are downstairs?!

RedAnt · 11/02/2025 13:59

Genuinely don't see how being the one who works equates to doing little else at home, especially with kids.

In terms of pure "hours", he does what - 10 hours a day at work - while you do the corresponding 10 at home. That leaves about 4-6 hours where you're both home and awake. Why does he get them free while you carry on working?

In terms of being a good father, does he think his kids will simply understand his rationale? I.e. That because he works, he doesn't need to bother with them as much?

Being a good dad isn't about taking them for days out. It's about being present - day on day - for the more mundane parts of daily life - teatime, bedtime, and the times around it.