Parents of children with autism- how do you get over the meltdowns?

[TryingReally]

So this morning my son has had a full meltdown completely out of the blue (for me. No idea what triggered it). We are talking screaming, lying on the floor kicking, hiding under the table, throwing things at me level meltdown. I’ve managed to get him into school, but then I’ve done the walk of shame leaving. I’m humiliated, exhausted, can’t stop crying. I’m worried that he is being difficult in school (he won’t be, he never is once I get him in, he always comes out lovely and the teachers usually message to say he’s calmed down really quickly). In my head I know he can’t help it, something will have triggered it and he couldn’t cope. But I feel like he just gets away with being utterly horrific and then just flipping the switch back to normal while I spend the day traumatised by it.

How do other parents deal with this? Do you just tell yourself to let it go? Do you not resent how you’re treated and have to behave to get through this? I love my son so much and I know I’m lucky because he doesn’t blow up like this often, but I think it makes it more shocking and hard to deal with when he does?

It’s hard

1. understand the behaviour is a result of distress and difficulties with explaining to you (no fault to you)
2. Shame does not help here
3. if he could communicate his needs/distress he would, he doesn’t enjoy meltdowns in fact he probably finds them exhausting (hence his compliance in school)
4. if you can help identify triggers and plan around them it may help avoid them
5. he is able to share with you as his safe person

You’re wasting emotional energy worrying about what other people think. ‘Humiliated’? ‘The walk of shame’?
I say this only to reassure you that you will stop caring about that aspect in time.
It will always be exhausting, look after yourself x

It's hard, really hard.
Thankfully my DCs meltdowns have reduced over the last year, we've learnt some triggers and how to avoid them, gone as low demand as possible and with hindsight meltdowns have dropped pretty much in line with school attendance dropping.
But there will always be the coke bottle effect, at some point there will be an explosion no matter what we try to do. The last one was over the Christmas break, obviously due to overwhelm which is difficult to avoid at that time of year.

Mine is 17 and still having the occasional catastrophic meltdown. She’s triggered by school, lucky us, so I know all about humiliation. How do I cope? No bloody clue.

I would be worried if your son is doing fine at school. He may be masking then the issues/ frustration come out at home.

He can't help mentdowns his brain gets overwhelmed and he can't cope. The best thing to do is look for triggers or signs he's struggling and try to manage the situation before it escalates. Don't expect more of him than he is capable of . If he does have a meltdown stay calm and wait for it to end then be supportive in a way that is comfortable for him.

There aren't any meltdowns anymore. Just gets angry-ish at things occasionally and strops off like any pre-teen would, but no more meltdowns thankfully. Was diagnosed by NHS just over 5 years ago now and has 'improved' for want of a better expression, ever since in many ways. However other aspects of the ASD have ramped up to take its place.

How did I used to handle them? Not well. I can’t give you any useful advice really without being hypocritical. Well, other than to say just do your best not to rise to it and give the safe space needed for the meltdown to run its course. Mine was little when meltdowns were a thing, so there wasn't much helpful I could do, other than to make sure it didn't escalate to dangerous proportions and be a caring support once everything had calmed down. Anything I tried to step in with, just escalated matters.

Yes I've noticed this (your last sentence). I have a friend whose sister allows her child to do anything and everything he can quite literally do anything he wants including throwing his toddler sister, and his mum's stock response/defence is 'well he's autistic, so..

I agree here you can't worry about others. These are strong feeling and you need to sit with them and maybe work out why you feel that way. You shouldn't care about others.