Parents of children with autism- how do you get over the meltdowns?

[TryingReally]

So this morning my son has had a full meltdown completely out of the blue (for me. No idea what triggered it). We are talking screaming, lying on the floor kicking, hiding under the table, throwing things at me level meltdown. I’ve managed to get him into school, but then I’ve done the walk of shame leaving. I’m humiliated, exhausted, can’t stop crying. I’m worried that he is being difficult in school (he won’t be, he never is once I get him in, he always comes out lovely and the teachers usually message to say he’s calmed down really quickly). In my head I know he can’t help it, something will have triggered it and he couldn’t cope. But I feel like he just gets away with being utterly horrific and then just flipping the switch back to normal while I spend the day traumatised by it.

How do other parents deal with this? Do you just tell yourself to let it go? Do you not resent how you’re treated and have to behave to get through this? I love my son so much and I know I’m lucky because he doesn’t blow up like this often, but I think it makes it more shocking and hard to deal with when he does?

How old is your son OP?

Honestly, I go through phases of finding it tough going parenting my ASD child. In many ways it was probably easier when he was younger then now. I feel so guilty over it. I do my best however there are days where I feel sorry for myself about the situation.

I do my best and I look forward. Some days are just harder than others.

You just do get over it. You have to, you're a parent. I did sanction violence though. I know it's not the done thing on here, you're supposed to let your child punch and kick you and their siblings 🤷‍♀️

@TryingReally was this at school gates? My son is waiting on assessment. Age 7. Had 30 minute crying- stuck to gates. But is also challenging in school. I cried all day yesterday. you’re not alone.

@HellMet what did that look like? Did it work?

It was very hard. I used to just get to work / home and shut down for a bit. So many things were broken and I was hurt quite badly a few times. You have my sympathies.

I don't think you do. We've just accept that this is the hand you've been dealt and a lot of the time it's a bit shit.

Sorry hardly helpful but I was exhausted trying to "fix" our family.

You allow yourself to feel sad for a bit, take a big deep breath, then find something on You Tube that makes you laugh.

We started off with a cushion he was allowed to hit - that was the only thing he was allowed to hit - and if he hit DD or me then he lost tv time &/or he had to accompany me everywhere. So if I had to load the washing machine, hang the waning out etc he had to come with me. At some point we upgraded the cushion to a punch bag. He was never told off for hitting the punch bag, we directed him to it if need be. By about Yr6 he never used it any more and we got rid of it. If he broke something then he had to help fix/replace it. Removing stuff that was thrown etc.

We instigated the rule he was never allowed in DD's bedroom unless she specifically invited him in and he had to leave the second she asked him to. We explained why and he was ok with it, it was never an issue. They mainly played in the living room, garden or DS's room.

I can't say if it worked or if it didn't, but he's a teenager now and we have the few odd slammed doors but no violence or wilful destruction. We always took the view that whilst we knew his difficulties, no one else would and neither would they care especially if he had e.g. injured another child or damaged someone else's property. So we didn't punish him for having a meltdown as such, but there were consequences for any resulting violence and lots of chats about how to deal with [trigger] next time. Along the lines of "it's ok to be upset, it not ok to hit your sister" kind of thing. I don't quite know how to explain the distinction!

DD also went through phases of refusing to play with him, and that actually seemed to be the thing that made him realise just how scary his behaviour could be.

I've many times felt like you do..I have 2 autistic sons, 12 years apart in age. Eventually you learn the triggers but jesus, it feels like there is one round every corner sometimes. My oldest has got easier as he's reached near adulthood (he's 18) so it does get easier

My DS (7) isn't generally one for throwing things at people or hitting, but his meltdowns can be monumental. I've found that sitting v quietly nearby, making sure he's as safe as possible and waiting it out has been the best way of dealing with it. Calm talking or soothing noises (if he tolerates it - he doesn't always want anything like that). Gradually, he'll come out of it and edge closer, until he eventually comes to either lean against me or get on my knee. We have a cuddle and he likes his back to be stroked. Once he's ready to talk, he'll sometimes say what's triggered him, other times he'll talk about something else. I've found that not making a big thing of it, and being v aware of what may trigger him has helped a lot. Also, we talk through exactly what we're doing and I'll give time lines - for example, we used to have massive meltdowns at bed time, but I've found that giving him a 30 minute, 15 minute and 5 minute warning has pretty much got rid of those.

It can be exhausting and upsetting. And each child is different - I appreciate that what I go through is not as bad as others have. I think the public meltdowns are worse as you're painfully aware of others watching (and some judging). Just try to keep as calm as you possibly can and get a bit of time to regroup.

My sons are 10 and both autistic with frequent meltdowns. I've come to accept that is just the way things are for us. It happens, they calm down, and we all move on. Violence, spitting, and damaging property will lead to a punishment. But when it's screaming, shouting, insults etc, I tend to let them get on with it because I know they don't mean it and they've temporarily lost any reasoning or control.

It does help to try and identify the triggers though. I recommend keeping a diary documenting the following; time, location, who was present, what the environment was like (noisy, quiet, busy, bright), what your child was doing just before the meltdown started, and was there any physical need not being met (tired, hungry, thirsty, wet, etc).

It seems like it comes out of the blue, but there will always be a reason for it. Something innocuous to us may well be triggering for them.Sometimes it's a sensory thing and sometimes it's because of. big emotions that they can't understand or articulate.

Have you asked your child why they felt that way? (When they've calmed down). What do they say?

It becomes part of life .

No point dealing with it at the time just do what you works to calm the situation down . We always talked about it later - what could be done differently .

i did the NVR course . It has helped me manage the aftermath better.

It’s hard - please don’t think of it as a walk of shame. Consider you did your best

I don't blame my daughter at all when she has a meltdown, it's a total loss of control on her part, it means she is very distressed. I can't separate my emotions from her distress at all though. I feel just horrendous when she is having a meltdown or is in the pre-meltdown stages. I wish I could. Some parents talk about their children's meltdowns very blithely, I don't know if they are putting it on or not, but I wish I could be a bit more like that.

The mental trauma after a meltdown was too much so I quit my job. It was too much to go into work after epic meltdowns, often late. Interestingly she's not had a meltdown in the morning since, which I think probably indicates I wasn't doing a great job of parenting and working.

It's exhausting and I am still struggling now after a tough morning. But the more you get into your head it's not there fault. Have you looked at low demand parenting? It's exhausting but this alongside reducing pressure in the morning so if she goes to school 30 mins late so what attitude has helped us all. As long as she doesn't get sight of a clock cos then she gets upset at the thought of being late.

No advice just solidarity. Every morning after school drop off I need to zone out and digest the trauma. DD seems completely unconcerned and goes about her day happily. Meanwhile I’m over here either sobbing in my office at work/in the car/at home or stress eating my feelings. Hugs!

I stopped trying to make mine go to school.

Its so hard op. One of my children had a big meltdown at the weekend. Didn't help my neighbour asking what was going on in my house. As if we don't find it hard enough without her sticking her beak in. No words of advice just to say you are not alone.

It is awful. I completely empathise as I have also been through this. I think you try and make it as easy as possible on yourself. Can he go in later to avoid the feeling that there is an audience?

We do a lot of hugging. A meltdown normally makes her totally exhausted, can trigger a migraine, leaves her very emotional. I try to get her to a very quiet place (home if possible) and we sit and cuddle for a bit until she feels better. Then I get her a small snack and she has an hour's quiet. All this before I make any new demands.

I have spent quite a few years - not in recent months, thank God - having one of my 7 year old daughters (both twins are AuDHD) bite, pinch, kick and punch/slap me, mainly at home, but sometimes in public.
So, I'm way past giving a fuck what people might thing.
Having said that, it massively took its toll on my already damaged mental and physical health and there were many times I wished I was dead.
Nowadays, things are much better, but my DC has been kicking furniture in school the past week or so and it sets me on edge, wondering if it's all going to start again. She's older now and, for a whippet thing child, very strong.

Thanks everyone. He’s 10 and struggling at the moment but I’m not sure why. School called at lunchtime to say he was doing absolutely fine and had settled in no problem, I still feel raw and teary. I’m just sat waiting to pick him up and trying to decide what to say about this morning. I don’t want to set him off again, but also really feel it needs to be addressed because it cannot happen again. I like the idea of a punching bag, just need to work out how to hang one in my rented house.

Calm the situation down and then I go scream into a pillow.

Ds is 10.

DS7 has meltdowns and gets sanctioned for violence towards us but over the years he has become less violent and just screams, cries, storms around and slams doors. I leave him alone until he is ready to come to me and I don’t try talking to him during a meltdown. As an autistic adult who also has meltdowns I find the worst thing is when someone tries to talk to me during a meltdown. I need to calm down in my own time as a meltdown is a total loss of control.

I lie to myself and tell myself, he has improved. There is a chance for further improvement. So I live in a world of hope.

I take a lot of long walks, especially when ex has the dc and school days.

Packed lunch has helped massively. A ridiculous amount. It had no business being so helpful. But it did.

Ds2 currently hate Mondays with a passion.

DS has violent meltdowns, which he finds as distressing as we do I think - we don't punish him for the violence because we don't think he's in control of it and when he comes out of the meltdown he wants kill himself and is full of self hatred and thinks he's a terrible, evil person.

He's done a lot of work in groups and in school around emotional regulation which has helped hugely, so now the meltdowns are rare. When they happen we have to have one of holding his legs with the other holding his arms, while he screams and begs us to stop or to kill him, or that he's going to kill us, while trying to break free to attack us or harm himself.

It's hard. At the worst point, when he was having multiple violent meltdowns a day and I was covered in bruises I would flinch if he approached me. I coped using beta blockers, wine and chocolate (not all at the same time, well not the beta blockers and the wine at the same time). I don't know what to say, except we've just had to get on with it, what choice is there? We both accessed primary care mental health services, but that was worse than useless - go away and try mindfulness, that would never be advised to anyone facing violence from anyone other than their child and is completely inappropriate.

I'm not sure how helpful that is. I suppose really my advice would be to see if there are any groups in your area that can help your child regulate, if you can reduce the meltdowns you reduce the toll it takes on you and your child. Ours was run by Barnardo's but funded by the local council, and we had to be referred, but it lead to such an improvement in regulation and reduced meltdowns by maybe 90%, with the work school did helping as well. Feeling he's being listened to helps DS as well.