AIBU for asking my daughter to stop seeing the people she’s seeing?

[mamabear5000]

Right, so I really need some advice here. My daughter has a terrible track record when it comes to choosing partners. One of them was a man who was far too old for her and treated her terribly. She purposefully goes out of her way to be hurt, she has admitted it multiple times and has shown interest in my closest friends!!! She’s always attracted to older men, and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s healthy. But here’s the real kicker — she’s also started showing interest in middle-aged women, some older than me!!! and it’s just all getting a bit... strange.
I’m really starting to worry. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she brushes me off, saying I’m being overprotective. I know relationships are her own business, but I’m so concerned about her safety and well-being. She’s picked partners who are way too old, and one even emotionally abused her. I just want her to make better choices, but it feels like no matter what I say, she keeps choosing people who are just so wrong for her.
AIBU to feel like this is a massive red flag and step in more forcefully? Or should I just mind my own business and let her learn from her mistakes?

Presuming she is an adult, you need to leave her to it.

Being judgemental will only push her away, into their arms.

Be a loving support who she knows she can come to about anything.

I would also tell her that if she would ever like therapy (use past bad relationship as an excuse) that you will pay for it (if you can afford it).

The therapist will help with whatever is driving this interest she has. Although it's not the end of the world, depending on the person. My DH is 17 years older than me. Age gap relationships can work, but knowledge of power imbalances is crucial.

not at all! i’m bisexual myself!

How old is she?

If she's an adult you just need to wait in the wings and pick up the pieces if required.

Advise if asked, otherwise keep out of it.

she had just turned 20.

How old is she? Age gaps matter less the older you are imo. And what age gap are we talking? 18 Vs 40 yes is obviously a concern. 30 Vs 40, not really. Perhaps encourage her to go to a local LGBT group where she can meet people her age.

Also, I don't know if it's your intention, but you make it sound like you're unhappy she's dating women full stop, which comes across homophobic.

Edit: I see you're bi, in which case ignore the above!

i’m definitely trying to do this! Just hard when she’s actively talking about how “hot” my friends are!

The reason i’m unhappy is because these women are my friends, not because I’m homophobic.

My adult child has been with their partner got 30+ years. I wouldn't have chosen them for my child. Just shows how wrong I was.

Keep your nose out of your adult child's relationships

Even if the people she’s going for are over 50 and my friends?

Well it's weird as fuck isn't it! Just the same if you had a 20 yo son who said your middle aged friends were Hot and he was sexually interested in them!

Is she saying this to get a rise out of you or shock you?

unfortunately not! She has actively pursued a lot of these middle aged people outside of my friend group aswell… Im just so stuck on what to do!

You do nothing. Even better, perhaps don’t discuss her sex life?

I haven’t said a word about her sex life. But she’s trying to pursue my older friends? It’s causing many issues!!!!

Are you sure she's not trying to provoke you? It sounds like she's a bit immature and is trying to be rebellious. I'd feign a complete lack of interest, she is after all an adult and there's nothing you can do about who she chooses to date. Hopefully your friends are sensible enough not to get involved with a friend's daughter.

If these are long-term friends (female or male) who've known her since she was a child then I agree it's questionable; that's a bit different from someone she's met as an adult who just happens to be the same age as most of your friend group. But are your closest friends likely to date your 20 year old daughter? Can you not trust them to gently discourage her or - if they're embarrassed - just ignore her advances?

She purposefully goes out of her way to be hurt, she has admitted it multiple times... This seems to be a possible way in, if she has acknowledged an ongoing pattern of self-destructive behaviour. But rather than saying "I don't think you should get involved with Joan as she's three times your age and much more secure/experienced" or "you should take a breather from dating as you've made a string of bad choices", can you encourage her to get help in general with her decision-making, relationships (not just sexual/romantic) and self-confidence? Don't even mention her current crush/target/new fling, keep it really general and perhaps if pushed talk about patterns in the past but don't try to fit the new person into it. She may come around to it herself if she's persuaded to do some guided self-reflection, and she may admit to herself, and to a therapist, what she's too stubborn to admit to you.

What are you trying to do?
You need to quote people, or your thread won't make any sense.

After older guys is very much a bit Daddy issues isn’t it. The going after your friends is maybe her just trying to piss you off which could show underlying annoyance with you.

If your friends are contemplating being with your daughter then you have friend problem. That’s really gross that your close friends would be with your daughter no matter how flirty she is. That’s just off limits. They aren’t your friends if they do anything about this.

And what are your friends doing about it. They need to tell her it’s disrespectful to you and to go away. Omg

I know this is a stereotypical question to post does she have her father in her life? Is she trying to replace her father?

She's 20 there's not much you can do. Has she ever brought home a boyfriend? I feel for you. 💐

I actually can’t believe what a hard time the OP is getting. She’s worried about her just-stopped-being-a-teenager daughter trying it on with her middle aged mates and she gets called homophobic.

Of course YANBU. Tell her to stay away from your friends it’s incredibly unfair to put you in a position that could jeopardise your friendships just because she’s decided she fancies older women.

BTW if this was a DS and not a DD you’d be getting very different replies ur somehow young adult DDs can do no wrong on MN!

This is a gross and inappropriate conversation for a child to have with a parent. Tell her to have some respect.

Whether she fancies people older than her or not, going after your friends is no-go.

YANBU to tell her to back off your friends.

Further than that, yes I'd be concerned for her. A tricky situation.