AIBU for asking my daughter to stop seeing the people she’s seeing?

[mamabear5000]

Right, so I really need some advice here. My daughter has a terrible track record when it comes to choosing partners. One of them was a man who was far too old for her and treated her terribly. She purposefully goes out of her way to be hurt, she has admitted it multiple times and has shown interest in my closest friends!!! She’s always attracted to older men, and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s healthy. But here’s the real kicker — she’s also started showing interest in middle-aged women, some older than me!!! and it’s just all getting a bit... strange.
I’m really starting to worry. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she brushes me off, saying I’m being overprotective. I know relationships are her own business, but I’m so concerned about her safety and well-being. She’s picked partners who are way too old, and one even emotionally abused her. I just want her to make better choices, but it feels like no matter what I say, she keeps choosing people who are just so wrong for her.
AIBU to feel like this is a massive red flag and step in more forcefully? Or should I just mind my own business and let her learn from her mistakes?

They’re not. It’s the OP’s DD who’s taking an interest. Is she not accountable at age 20 for who she tries it on with?

It’s a bit weird… you should let her know you’re not comfortable

I had a shit relationship with my mother.
In my late teens/20s I had a lot of friendships with female colleagues 20+ years older than myself, and got on well with friends' mothers.

Did you call them “hot”?

Was your daughter ever bullied by her own age group? That's another possible reason for preferring older people.

There was a time in my 20s when my boyfriend was older than my Mum's. We knew that was unusual, but her BF was more mature at 27 than mine was at 32.

I am unconvinced by this post but I’ll bite.

Your 20-year-old daughter keeps ‘pursuing’ your own middle-aged female friends? How many single female friends attracted to women have you actually got, then, for this to be a problem? And surely the problem is your female friends being willing to shag a woman 30 years younger than them who is also your daughter, rather than your daughter having crushes on older women?

Given that your daughter is an adult you can’t make her stop seeing anybody.

Let her learn from mistakes

Unfair the op is getting a hard time. Did dd always have low self esteem, make bad choices? When you discuss it with her , what does she say?

(have you tried the technique of:) do you cry, say you feel bad, can't work out where you went wrong, what you should have done differently so that her self esteem and self worth was better. Ask her if it was her dd or her friend what she'd recommend? (ie kind of play her at her own game)?

Apologies, i’m new to this!

my friends aren’t contemplating it at all! It’s causing issues with my friendships as they are getting uncomfortable coming to my house, or attending events where she will be.

sounds like she needs therapy. Maybe guide her towards that and offer to pay for some sessions? I don't think you just saying "don't go for these types of people" will work.

As i’ve mentioned on this post, my friends are not willing to do anything with her- it’s causing issues with my friendships as they are starting to become uncomfortable by her constant comments which is making keeping a friendship with them hard- no matter how many times I mention it to my daughter, she won’t stop. They are hesitant to come to my home or attend gatherings if there is a likelihood she will be present.

I have a relatively large friend group, I’m still close with my friends from university so there’s around 5 of us not including their partners and on my husbands side, he has a large group of friends aswell.

YANBU but it's her life, but I think it's good you are at least having conversations with her about it, maybe prompting her to work out why she's doing it, and offering her a lifeline when it goes wrong.

I appreciate this a lot, thank you. The way I try and phrase it to her is that I am happy as long as she is happy, but will not tolerate the comments towards my close friends or the constant odd bragging about getting involved with people who are actively hurting her. She always comes back with a joke saying “but it’s attractive” or “I can’t help that your friends are hot” , and even make extremely inappropriate and random comments about how she hopes the person in question, divorces their partner. It’s impossible to get a serious conversation out of her !

i’m sorry to hear that!

My daughter and I have always had a fantastic relationship, of course we had a stage in her teens where there were disagreements over things like drinking and staying out too late but just normal teen stuff!! This only started a couple of years ago, and to my knowledge nothing has happened to trigger such things, at least not in my home. She does have therapy and I am hoping she’s working through these issues but she doesn’t see it as an issue which is what concerns me.

Probably doing it to wind you up. She's an adult, leave her to it.

My 23yo DD had a relationship with a man 20 years her senior, divorced with children he only had supervised access to. He was a very heavy drinker and smoked weed regularly, just to add to his attractiveness. I did nothing, apart from making him welcome, when she came round. It took a while, but she eventually tired of constantly having to clean up his messy lifestyle and ended it.

I would take a back seat and wait for her to realise that what she's doing, won't lead to a happy ever after ending. Oh and she's pretending to find your friends hot to annoy you for some reason.

Sounds like she is trying to shock you, wind you up, make you uncomfortable/angry and get a reaction. Would she actually genuinely pursue these 50 year old married friends?

Ultimately she’s an adult and you can’t control what she does, you can control what happens in your own home though. If she wants to behave like that then she’s no longer welcome when you have friends over and maybe spend more time going and visiting them instead of them coming to you.

Is dad around? What kind of relationship does she/did she have with him? Does she live with you? Have a job? Spend time with anyone her own age?

Well if any of your friends return the interest they won't be your friends much longer will they?

Is she deliberately trying to get a reaction from you?

I don’t mean to be disrespectful but the way you framed concerns were probably not what you were trying to convey. I think you should just love on your daughter as much as possible. It sounds like an attention act to get you to respond to her. Love brr forever no matter what. She’ll eventually understand especially if she has children

Doesn't she realise that being sleazy is no more attractive on her than it is on older blokes trying to pull young girls?

Glad your mates are keeping their distance from her, how embarrassing for you when she does it, total cringe!

I think she's trying to wind you up for some reason. Hopefully she'll grow up out of it.