To be sick and tired of parenting autistic pre teen DC?

[Sickandtiredofthisbullshit]

My DS is year 7 and has combined autism/adhd diagnosis.

He is also a massive pain in the arse.

It’s after 10pm and he is unlikely to be asleep before midnight. I’ve been shouted and screamed several times already tonight and I’m worn out. This is for crimes as serious as asking him to put his dishes in the kitchen, put on his pyjamas, and brush his teeth.

it never gets easier. He’s high functioning, so he doesn’t need a huge amount of support. But it’s like trying to get a very argumentative, articulate toddler to bed every night.

I’m so fucking bored of it and just want to walk out and leave his feckless dad to parent him instead.

i do love him dearly, but i can’t wait until he grows up and leaves home!

My son is 16 and is becoming very much more articulate about how being autistic, adhd, pda, and spd affects him.

wrt sleep, he describes it as when it is quiet and dark, his brain just goes into overdrive. It overthinks things that have happened, things that might happen etc. It’s this time when intrusive thoughts get problematic as well. He deals with this by drawing (on his iPad) or listening to music (on his iPad). True, this does keep him awake, but it stops the spirally thoughts.

Melatonin worked for him up until puberty. He is currently trying an adhd med (clonidine) but we are finding it difficult to balance the dose - too high and he gets to sleep but has brain fog the next day. A bit lower and he still sleeps but he thinks it is making him forgetful the next day.

So I’m not sure that this will be a long term solution.

Other things that helped my son when he was younger were a weighted blanket and white noise (just download a white noise app to your phone and choose the white noise ‘colour’ you find most soothing). Also being allowed his iPad (internet off at 10pm) to draw, write, listen to music etc.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. It has made me feel a lot better. I’ve always felt like I’ve been failing as a parent as I’ve had this super hyperactive, noisy unpredictable bouncing bomb of a child. And so many of my friends have kids who are polite and enjoy arts and crafts.

its so good to hear I’m not alone.

Thanks also for the advice - shopping list is melatonin, ‘the explosive child’ book, ear defenders…and I’m booking a day off!!

It also great to get advice from people who understand. My DS always forgets homework, key parts of his uniform, or crucial kit almost every day ( even though we pack his bag and set out his clothes the night before)…

When I explained to his form tutor that his forgetfulness is ADHD, she said ‘Have you thought about writing everything he needs on a daily planner?’ 😬😬😬

Finally someone has a cure for AuDHD!! Why didn’t anyone think of that before?!

so a very heartfelt thankyou for all the kind responses and useful advice. 👏

Definitely melatonin. My DC has been prescribed it for years from camhs. My DC is also on ADHD meds and antipsychotic meds and has been for years and it's probably the most helpful medication we've had

You might find the Calm Parenting Podcast helpful. The guy that does it has great strategies for working with rather than against ND kids.

Haven't RTFT but I sympathise OP. Another book recommendation:

Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. Game changer for us.

@Matlivestream really helpful advice - thanks.

its interesting to hear how your DS describes it now he is older. My DS isn’t great at explaining what he is feeling. He also has a bad habit of saying things which he thinks will get him what he wants. ( he said he was feeling hyper tonight, so needed to stay up and burn off energy…I’m not sure this was true. Just a way to stay up longer )

Ps, you say ‘he is high functioning so doesn’t need a lot of support”

This is exactly why the high/low functioning ‘labels’ are not used any more.

My son is super intelligent and has no intellectual learning difficulties, so he would be classified as ‘high functioning’. But the amount of support he needs is massive. He needs someone to understand and support his demand avoidance, his inability to cope with mainstream school even though his IQ is remarkable, his social ‘battery’ life, his overwhelm bucket, his disordered sleep and restricted eating. To name but a few.

Follow Dr Naomi fisher on fb. Read Dr Ross’ books, research ‘therapeutic’ and low demand parenting. I had to learn a lot about how to parent a ND child in order to make a positive difference to him (and me!).

Piriton until you get melatonin - also randomly try cola with caffeine too as can help
I have DD16 ASD abs DS12 ASD/ADHD under diagnosis so feel your pain
Shouting never helps but I completely understand!

Research about how executive function issues impacts neurodiverse people, and how to support them.

Your son sounds just like mine in year 7. It took a hell of a lot of research in my part, and fighting with the L.A. to get him a suitable education but he is now 16 and thriving. He is proud of his autistic viewpoint on life and becoming more aware every day about how it both impacts and also benefits him.

I'm also really sorry to say this op, my pain in the arse child is still living at home aged nearly 19 and still driving me mad every day. I love them dearly but parenting a high functioning autistic and ADHD plus child for nearly 19 years has broken me. They are still unfortunately nowhere ready to move out. The younger siblings are looking towards uni and more than ready to fly the nest. It's hard. It's actually really fucking hard. Hugs

I get the label isn’t helpful as he does need a lot of support in emotional regulation and organisation

i just wanted to differentiate between an autistic child who is non verbal, can’t attend mainstream school, needs help bathing and getting dressed. I have a friend with 2 kids like this, and I know my challenges are small compared to him and his DW.

I find the Autism Spectrum to be so wide that it actually almost becomes meaningless. I think that’s why we missed the autism part of my son’s diagnosis as I didn’t recognise it as the same as other autistic people I know.

A lot of the resources I’ve read haven’t been hugely helpful as they’ve been geared towards‘straight’ ASD and not combined.

I’ll follow Naomi Fisher if you found it useful. Your DS sounds similar to mine in many ways.

Solidarity @Bookish123. It’s so bloody hard 💐

I totally get that. I think the issue with low/high functioning labels is that the assumption is that people who are ‘low’ functioning assumes a lack of ability - people with this label may be underestimated which means they may miss out on opportunities.

Yes, your challenges are not as all,consuming as your friend’s, but they are challenges nonetheless. Don’t underestimate the amount of work needed to support an Audhd child, especially one whose needs aren’t met by either mainstream or specialist education.

EOTAS is transformational, but getting it is the biggest fight ever (almost 3 years, start to finish 😯)

Also when you're caring for a kid with ASD, it can feel like there is so much to do and sort for them. It's a full time job in itself.
That's why it's worth breaking it down into things that need work.
And I would absolutely start with improving sleep (melatonin, weighted blanket, routine) because it's the one thing that reduces meltdowns for the kid and improves the well-being of your family in general the most.