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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of parenting autistic pre teen DC?

39 replies

Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:22

My DS is year 7 and has combined autism/adhd diagnosis.

He is also a massive pain in the arse.

It’s after 10pm and he is unlikely to be asleep before midnight. I’ve been shouted and screamed several times already tonight and I’m worn out. This is for crimes as serious as asking him to put his dishes in the kitchen, put on his pyjamas, and brush his teeth.

it never gets easier. He’s high functioning, so he doesn’t need a huge amount of support. But it’s like trying to get a very argumentative, articulate toddler to bed every night.

I’m so fucking bored of it and just want to walk out and leave his feckless dad to parent him instead.

i do love him dearly, but i can’t wait until he grows up and leaves home!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:24

And now he has started chanting repeatedly and noisily so I can hear it downstairs.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 10/02/2025 22:25

Ear defenders.

For you. Then go to bed and leave him to it.

Fidgety31 · 10/02/2025 22:31

Pick your battles - it’s not worth tying yourself in knots if you can avoid it instead .
thats the biggest thing I learned from my adhd/autistic son when he was younger !
now he’s 22 and much more bearable eventually !

Original poster
Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:33

Fidgety31 · 10/02/2025 22:31

Pick your battles - it’s not worth tying yourself in knots if you can avoid it instead .
thats the biggest thing I learned from my adhd/autistic son when he was younger !
now he’s 22 and much more bearable eventually !

Did he manage to get into a routine eventually?

OP posts:
FancyRedRobin · 10/02/2025 22:37

I'm going to suggest melatonin, game changer for my kid who did not seem to have a functioning circadian rhythm.

Also solidarity, it's f*ckin exhausting!

redannie18 · 10/02/2025 22:39

Sending lots of love, it is very very hard. My kid sounds very similar to yours, impossible at times, and now they are 20 and I dread them leaving home cause they are so lovely and great company. It was just hard when i was their “manager”.

Pick your battles, The explosive child is a good book to help with negotiating solutions. Low demand parenting and not trying to be “normal” was when things started making more sense.

However appreciate you didnt ask for advice so sorry if that was annoying. Its ok to vent and put yourself first when you get the chance x

Gasgirl25 · 10/02/2025 22:40

FancyRedRobin · 10/02/2025 22:37

I'm going to suggest melatonin, game changer for my kid who did not seem to have a functioning circadian rhythm.

Also solidarity, it's f*ckin exhausting!

Ditto. DD is AuDHD and melatonin has been a brilliant help

Anewyearanewday · 10/02/2025 22:40

No autism but my DC sounds so similar and I dream of getting a one way plane ticket and never coming back. I'm so tired and bored of being shouted at, having doors slammed and the constant heated arguments, dramas and battles. I'm trying to walk away instead of saying something I know I will regret but its hard, so very very hard as I'm followed around being shouted at....

Original poster
Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:41

FancyRedRobin · 10/02/2025 22:37

I'm going to suggest melatonin, game changer for my kid who did not seem to have a functioning circadian rhythm.

Also solidarity, it's f*ckin exhausting!

I think I might try that. Had tried to avoid too many drugs, but at my wits’end! he just keeps going like the Duracell bunny!

OP posts:
zigazigahhhh · 10/02/2025 22:42

Melatonin!! Without it my autistic son can stay up (bouncing off the walls) to 6am 😭
Please speak to your paediatrician about getting it prescribed xx

Original poster
Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:45

Anewyearanewday · 10/02/2025 22:40

No autism but my DC sounds so similar and I dream of getting a one way plane ticket and never coming back. I'm so tired and bored of being shouted at, having doors slammed and the constant heated arguments, dramas and battles. I'm trying to walk away instead of saying something I know I will regret but its hard, so very very hard as I'm followed around being shouted at....

It’s so hard isn’t it?

My friends with NT teens don’t have an easy ride either.

could you imagine taking that behaviour from anyone else? If you posted on AIBU about an adult friend or family member treating you like the average teen, you’d be told to go NC!

(Disclaimer: I know some people have lovely teens!)

OP posts:
HollyBerryz · 10/02/2025 22:46

Look up demand avoidance tactics

Owmyelbow · 10/02/2025 22:46

Ah I came I close to losing the plot with my ASD year 7 DS. Last year or so has been problematic. I hope we'll come out the other side soon!

fedup1212 · 10/02/2025 22:47

Sympathy OP. My DS 11 has suspected ASD/ADHD and mild to moderate LDs.

Everything is a battle! He takes everything incredibly personally because he has little self esteem.

It's exhausting and I'd love just to have a bit of normality!

My house is trashed because of him, he's hit me, kicked me, throws stuff.

It's shit.

There are good moments but the bad ones outweigh them unfortunately. Sad

HorrorFan81 · 10/02/2025 22:47

Melatonin totally changed the behaviour of my now 11 year old (he's been on it for 18 months or so). I think he was chronically sleep deprived before, so many tantrums and meltdowns. Wouldn't go to sleep. Up multiple times a night. So different now

Original poster
Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 10/02/2025 22:48

redannie18 · 10/02/2025 22:39

Sending lots of love, it is very very hard. My kid sounds very similar to yours, impossible at times, and now they are 20 and I dread them leaving home cause they are so lovely and great company. It was just hard when i was their “manager”.

Pick your battles, The explosive child is a good book to help with negotiating solutions. Low demand parenting and not trying to be “normal” was when things started making more sense.

However appreciate you didnt ask for advice so sorry if that was annoying. Its ok to vent and put yourself first when you get the chance x

Not annoying @redannie18 - very helpful! And reassuring.

the diagnosis came rather late in the day, and sadly now realise I’ve been trying to parent for a ‘normal’ kid. No wonder it hasn’t worked! 🤦‍♀️

Will read the explosive child - I need to completely change my strategy

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 10/02/2025 22:51

Oh i hear you, my sons the same age, and sounds very similar although he needs help with dressing etc. I try not to ask him to do things now, I ask him where does that need to go? And he will usually do it. Either that or I remind him to take his plate out before he's finished so it's like 'don't forget to take your plate out when you've finished', rather than asking him to take it out. It doesn't always work though.

I know it's controversial but he takes his phone to bed now as he just would not stay in his room, would make a racket until god knows when. Once he stayed up until 7:30am Confused at least with his phone he will be quiet (er) than he was! Sometimes I go in if he isn't asleep by midnight and play relaxing music and sit with him until he falls asleep. It's tiring!

Sorry for prattling on about myself, just sending some solidarity Flowers

redannie18 · 10/02/2025 22:52

Same here- they were 12 when dx after me trying to do everything “normally” and failing. Not going to lie its been a rough ride but listening to the kid and using the collaborative approach was good.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 10/02/2025 22:54

Oh I hear you OP, that age was so hard. The only teeny tiny silver lining is you will hear friends become upset and bewildered when their teen becomes defiant and angry and they will be tearing their hair out and you be able to rise above it because you've been doing this shit for years.

Dh and I had what we called our day off once or twice a year. A day off involved whatever the hell you liked for 24 hours, no explanations no phone contact and absolutely no organising dinners for anyone else. I would go to the sea or for a forest walk or get a pub lunch and stay somewhere cheap and not talk to a soul if I didn't want to. I'd leave an emergency contact number with DH and turn the phone off. It doesn't sound like much but it's what got me and Dh through it without wanting to drive DS over a cliff.

Soonenough · 10/02/2025 22:55

Please use melatonin if you think it might help . I use it to aid sleep for myself. Don't know why it has such a rep here in UK . You can buy it anywhere in US and first used it for jet lag .
It sounds like you are having a rough night OP and it is good that you can vent here. So so many mums are going through the same thing . It can be hard to parent teens anyway throw in the extras plus hormones and it can be chaos . Hope you get a break from it soon and he settles down tonight .

Plantymcplantface · 10/02/2025 22:56

melatonin here too

also recommend the strategies on the adhd dude - free on YouTube !

Booboobagins · 10/02/2025 23:07

Mines the same at 22yo.

I'm trying to get his business off the ground so he has enough income to move out. I love him and wouldn't change anything - he's super smart and generally very thoughtful - but it is exhausting.

When he's good he is an amazing person, but catch him with something he objects to and it's like a bomb goes off in him.

I stopped telling him what to do. I gave him a list of things he should do - he knew it all as your DS does - and left him to it. He made some bad choices like not cleaning his teeth every night, but eventually sorted that out and thankfully without damaging his teeth!

CAMHS told me that people with ASD get tetchy about their own stuff but don't have a clue how them attacking someone (verbally) means they have a right to get tetchy.

I'm widowed with 2 young adults with ASD. I feel like running away permanently. If I could afford to cover an additional home, I probably would run away!!! YANBU.

Labraradabrador · 10/02/2025 23:12

Soonenough · 10/02/2025 22:55

Please use melatonin if you think it might help . I use it to aid sleep for myself. Don't know why it has such a rep here in UK . You can buy it anywhere in US and first used it for jet lag .
It sounds like you are having a rough night OP and it is good that you can vent here. So so many mums are going through the same thing . It can be hard to parent teens anyway throw in the extras plus hormones and it can be chaos . Hope you get a break from it soon and he settles down tonight .

Please don’t buy from the US - it is largely unregulated there (categorised as a nutritional supplement, not a drug) and recent studies of marketed melatonin in the US found that virtually none aligned with the dosage on the box (and sometimes were 3,4,5x active dose), and often are contaminated with ingredients not listed on the label, including sometimes concerning/not approved substances.

I think many don’t understand the difference in regulatory requirements for melatonin in the US vs most other countries, but basically it means you cannot rely on the safety of what you buy. I regularly stock up on over the counter drugs from the US - anything classified as a drug will be regulated- but the nutritional supplement category is a massive loophole and a major potential for misuse.

TadpolesInPool · 10/02/2025 23:18

Both my DC (ADHD) take prescribed melatonin. Its changed our lives - I love it. We also buy it for us from a pharmacy (I'm in France) at a lower dosage, for jetlag or when I'm struggling to sleep cos of anxiety.

All that to say that I highly recommend it. Both mine take it just before the bedtime routine and also listen to sleep music or sleep hypnosis tapes to get to sleep.

Solidarity fist bump - I used to dread the evenings with all my heart. Utter hell.

minipie · 10/02/2025 23:23

Melatonin here too. Agree with a PP that it is a minefield buying from the US, but Piping Rock has a good rep and has worked for my (undiagnosed but likely ADHD) DD.