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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sat here crying

65 replies

ThatsLifee · 10/02/2025 19:59

So my ex and I broke up a while ago now and within weeks he was with another woman. He is now taking the children away with her etc. I am just sat here crying as I knew this man for so so long and now he just feels like a complete stranger. Does it get any easier?

OP posts:
OKNerd · 10/02/2025 21:27

ThatsLifee · 10/02/2025 21:19

It’s mental torture thinking about them together. He forced me to end it by treating me really badly. They had been ‘friends’ for a while before they got together and he always told me he never fancied her.

He a nasty fucker and you don’t deserve that. They were clearly having an affair.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 10/02/2025 21:29

devildeepbluesea · 10/02/2025 20:50

If I’m honest, I think many (most?) men are emotionally and morally bankrupt. My best friend died tragically a while ago, and her devoted husband was on Tinder less than a month later.

A woman I know passed away suddenly and left three primary aged kids. Her husband had a new woman in the house in less than six months. I didn’t know her well but I was appalled that he replaced her so easily. Poor woman, and poor kids

HolyStyleFailBatman · 10/02/2025 21:31

And op, he sounds like he was not a good partner. It is difficult but ultimately this will turn out to be good for you. You’ll be stronger and eventually happier without him draining you.

OKNerd · 10/02/2025 21:32

My old neighbour committed suicide after her DH left her for a work colleague (police - he says it happened afterward but he’s a liar). The DH said a week after the death when I asked how the kids were “Honestly they’re fine, they’re coping really well!” And a month later New Shag moved in.

There is something about people who cheat, I think they must lose their minds or something because people can’t possible be so evil to the parent of their children. My SIL left her DH for anew man and was deeply upset that we didn’t all get excited about meeting him because she’s “never been so happy”. The fact she broke the heart of her ex and DC wasn’t even a factor in her world

AlleyRose · 10/02/2025 21:39

devildeepbluesea · 10/02/2025 20:50

If I’m honest, I think many (most?) men are emotionally and morally bankrupt. My best friend died tragically a while ago, and her devoted husband was on Tinder less than a month later.

Totally agree with this.

My ex left me while heavily pregnant with our second child. He turned his back on all three of us, married again and started a new family.

Our DC have never even been to his house.

It was 19 years ago but seeing the way he treats the DC still hurts me most days.

I just don't believe men love like we do. Their version is superficial and short sighted and very much about what makes them happy in the moment.

ThatsLifee · 10/02/2025 21:44

It’s just awful.

OP posts:
discdiscsnap · 10/02/2025 21:56

My ex and I split and he immediately met someone, introduced kids within weeks. Moved in, her kids became 'brothers' 🙄 got engaged. Then split.

A few months later he met number two, similar pattern. Moved in within a few months, her dd became ddc sister. They had a baby and got married. Then split,

Immediately met number three, moved in pretty much immediately, her dc became brothers. Had a baby got married. Split but got back together.

All the disruption. the close relationship dc developed and lost over and over again. They see their dad a few times a year and have a cordial relationship with his wife

Just be there for your kids, don't slate him give them the security they need

ThatsLifee · 10/02/2025 22:17

discdiscsnap · 10/02/2025 21:56

My ex and I split and he immediately met someone, introduced kids within weeks. Moved in, her kids became 'brothers' 🙄 got engaged. Then split.

A few months later he met number two, similar pattern. Moved in within a few months, her dd became ddc sister. They had a baby and got married. Then split,

Immediately met number three, moved in pretty much immediately, her dc became brothers. Had a baby got married. Split but got back together.

All the disruption. the close relationship dc developed and lost over and over again. They see their dad a few times a year and have a cordial relationship with his wife

Just be there for your kids, don't slate him give them the security they need

I try not to slate him but taking the kids away with her just feels so wrong. I know I can’t do anything about it but it really hurts

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 10/02/2025 22:17

Remember the reasons you ended the relationship, they are even more valid now. He is not as good a person as you believed and introducing children to a new partner is stupid and unkind. Just concentrate on looking after yourself and your DC. Things will get easier.

ShyAmberHam · 11/02/2025 01:00

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RhaenysRocks · 11/02/2025 06:32

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It sounds like he was seeing this woman, turned into an absolute arsehole and the OP rightly called him on it. Was she supposed to just sit about and take it until he found the balls to actually leave?

jeaux90 · 11/02/2025 06:52

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 20:56

Men can't manage alone. They have sold us a dummy that they are the stronger sex.

Come on now, this is nonsense. Plenty of men live alone and are proper grown ups. Don't sell OP this line.

Her ex is an asshole.

It's important to tell the truth and offer hope, the hope being she will get through this, be stronger and probably move on to better things!

ThatsLifee · 11/02/2025 06:58

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He didn’t leave me much choice to be honest

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 11/02/2025 07:24

Ypu have no control over him and what he does. But you can control yourself.

To a degree, it is a choice to spend 5 months crying every day.

You have to choose differently and that is how you get over it and move on.

When you find yourself sitting and thinking about him, find something else to do. Don't let yourself dwell on thoughts of him, her, or fairness. Give yourself a talking to - come on! What are you wasting time crying over him again for. And stop. The crying that comes from an initial shock can't be helped but the sort of crying that is happening 5 months on has become a bit of an unhealthy habit and you might find that if you tell yourself to stop, you can.

Tell yourself (out loud if necessary) that he doesn't deserve your tears, you've had a lucky escape because you deserve better than someone like him, think of things you can do now - eg decorate the house how you like, eat what you want, watch what you want without having to consider him. When he takes the children away, rather than dwelling on the fact she wil be there and thinking about it, plan some things you can do for yourself whole they're away. You need to make the choice to take your life back and move on. It won't just happen if you are stuck in this cycle.

I'm not being flippant but what you are doing currently means that, 5 months on, you are still crying every day. Choose differently.

You need to find your strength or, rather than getting to the 12 month mark and realising how much better your life is, how much you've achieved, you'll still be sitting there crying.

Ypu can do it. Many have before you and many will after you. You just have to choose to do it.

HereNext · 11/02/2025 07:30

He was cheating on you, and was an asshole so you had to end the relationship - what a manipulative prick.

He'll cheat on the new woman.

Keep your head held high. You will feel better - maybe not today, but the pain will turn into strength.

HereNext · 11/02/2025 07:32

Great advice from GreyCarpet.

Pussycat22 · 11/02/2025 07:37

Of course you will my love, but it has to be worked at . There is lots of information about self care out there. You need to care for yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually. Keep pushing through , you will eventually come through.xx

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 11/02/2025 07:38

I'd be upset for myself, but more upset and so bloody angry that he has introduced his new squeeze to your kids after such a short period of time.
Channel your energy into legally getting you and your kids in a financially secure place, and formally sorting access, etc.

fourelementary · 11/02/2025 07:39

ThatsLifee · 10/02/2025 20:53

What is annoying is that it was me who ended it. I couldn’t put up with his selfish ways anymore he left me no choice to be honest.

Why are you crying after him then? Kindly, get a grip.

ssd · 11/02/2025 07:58

Men are different to us, its as simple as that. They are more cut and dried, black or white. They move on quicker. They are less emotional, more live in the moment. They don't seem to ruminate and fret like we do. They carry on and naturally put themselves first.

Lucky bastards. I'm definitely coming back as a man.

GreyCarpet · 11/02/2025 08:11

ssd · 11/02/2025 07:58

Men are different to us, its as simple as that. They are more cut and dried, black or white. They move on quicker. They are less emotional, more live in the moment. They don't seem to ruminate and fret like we do. They carry on and naturally put themselves first.

Lucky bastards. I'm definitely coming back as a man.

I disagree with this.

You could be describing me here in your description of men and I've certainly known plenty of men struggle to get over a break up and take long periods of time to work on themselves before dating again.

I think it's far more likely that women are the ones who are socialised and conditioned to base their self worth on whether or not they are in a relationship and it's usually the women who are left with the children which makes going out and finding someone new more difficult.

Men are not different to 'us'.

ThatsLifee · 11/02/2025 08:20

HereNext · 11/02/2025 07:30

He was cheating on you, and was an asshole so you had to end the relationship - what a manipulative prick.

He'll cheat on the new woman.

Keep your head held high. You will feel better - maybe not today, but the pain will turn into strength.

It’s just so annoying that he just seems absolutely fine and happy with his new woman and I am struggling so much.

OP posts:
ThatsLifee · 11/02/2025 08:22

He was 90 minutes late to pick them up on Sunday and my daughter told me when he got back to his flat she was there. Priorities 🙄

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 11/02/2025 08:24

ThatsLifee · 11/02/2025 08:22

He was 90 minutes late to pick them up on Sunday and my daughter told me when he got back to his flat she was there. Priorities 🙄

This is one of those 'accept the things you cannot change' things though.

Believe me, I'm no stranger to the dickhead ex experience but what has sitting crying about any of it actually achieved? Other than to make you feel worse?

Porkyporkchop · 11/02/2025 08:25

Same thing happened to me Op, and seeing my kids go off with him and his woman was like a knife in my heart.
years on i am happily married to a wonderful man and truly happy. Ex however, he has lied and cheated on her multiple times and is still the same nasty man he was before.
karma will come , you’ll see

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