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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm entitled to medical privacy?

48 replies

Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 16:27

Long story short- I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition shortly after the birth of my children which has all but destroyed my life. I've had various treatments and have been referred for psychiatric help to try and manage the mental side which verged on a breakdown. My husband picked me up from the first appointment and when I met him in the car he was on the phone to someone telling them all about who I was seeing, the reasons why and what medicines I was hoping they'd put me on. Seeing I looked unhappy he eventually ended the call and it turned out he'd been talking to his sister with whom I have, at best, a fractious relationship for various reasons. I was so angry that he'd been telling her private medical information which, to me, is deeply personal (only my husband and parents are aware that I'd been seeking psychiatric help) and I really lost it with him. He said I'm overreacting and that he's entitled to discuss with his family as well. I can't help feeling really betrayed but don't know whether im
overreacting due to current circumstances. AIBU?

OP posts:
PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 16:29

God no! He has no business whatsoever sharing your private info. He is certainly not "entitled" to tell anyone.

Original poster
Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 16:33

PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 16:29

God no! He has no business whatsoever sharing your private info. He is certainly not "entitled" to tell anyone.

Thanks, what's what I thought but because it's his sister he seems to think it's ok as it's "within the family". He really can't understand what he's done wrong :(

OP posts:
Yennefer44 · 10/02/2025 16:56

He is entitled to seek support for himself. However, he is NOT entitled to share your personal /medical information with anyone. Ok, maybe with his therapist if he has one, but that's it.
He's in the wrong, you are right to be fuming.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 10/02/2025 16:59

Oh dear OP, I'm so sorry but I can see both sides of this.

I think I'd react the same way as you but deep down, I'd also understand that partners need support too, especially if you'd been on the verge of a breakdown Flowers

35965a · 10/02/2025 17:01

If he needs support he can get therapy. I have no patience or respect for people who tell others about their spouse’s medical (or any issues) or relationship problems. For me this would actually be a dealbreaker.

Moonnstars · 10/02/2025 17:05

I can see how he needs someone to offload to, and I guess he is close to his sister. I can understand this being upsetting though and you are right in that it is not his information to share. Can you perhaps suggest an alternative for him to talk to? He might not feel comfortable talking to a stranger so therapy wouldn't work.

Creameded · 10/02/2025 17:06

God help you.
All the medical issues and you are married to a dim prick too.

Of course hd shouldn't be sharing your infor with anyone.

Do you really want to remain married to him?

Because I think it must be so easy to fall out of love permanently, when you realise you are married to a moron.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/02/2025 17:06

As someone with depression, I can understand why your dh might feel he needs support, @Cherry346 - but he has gone about it completely wrongly!

What he should have done is to tell you that he wanted to get some support from his family, so that he can better support you, and then ask you what you would be comfortable sharing, and with whom - and the he respects your decisions on that.

Frostynoman · 10/02/2025 17:08

No, he’s not respecting you here. He needs to understand that there are boundaries

Vaxtable · 10/02/2025 17:11

I would tell him that you are now going to tell your family about every single aspect of the personal information you know about, medical, financial, any issues etc and see how he likes it

if he needs to speak to someone he goes to a counsellor

tbh it would make we not want to talk to him about my medical history now, I would relay on my parents who would be given strict instructions not to divulge it to him

Lanzarotelady · 10/02/2025 17:19

Who is supporting your husband?

Lanzarotelady · 10/02/2025 17:21

Whilst he may have gone about in the wrong way, he is clumsily seeking support, has he got anywhere else to turn? Your husband maybe suffering as much as you are supporting you and your children

RickiRaccoon · 10/02/2025 17:22

It's not his private information to share. He can seek support from family but he can obviously do that by talking more obliquely. You might feel more comfortable sharing one day but for now it's your decision not to and he needs to respect that.

PensionConfusion24 · 10/02/2025 17:22

I'm going to go against other posters and say that as you confide in your parents he probably doesn't see the problem in confiding in his own immediate family.

But more to the point it sounds like you are both at crisis point right now. He maybe hasn't gone about it in the right way but he's probably struggling and grieving too.

I'm not sure given what you've said is going on, how helpful it is for pp to call your husband a moron or to suggest it should be a deal breaker or that you should split up. It's not ideal to make those sorts of decisions when other major life changes are happening.

I'd keep talking about it for now and let the dust settle a bit.

Lanzarotelady · 10/02/2025 17:24

You're both hurting and suffering.

Original poster
Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 17:25

Yennefer44 · 10/02/2025 16:56

He is entitled to seek support for himself. However, he is NOT entitled to share your personal /medical information with anyone. Ok, maybe with his therapist if he has one, but that's it.
He's in the wrong, you are right to be fuming.

Thanks - he did say that he needed someone to talk to about everything we are dealing with at the moment which I understood, but felt that sharing private medical details went too far. It was all the more upsetting as his sister has been less than supportive since all this happened (I think sadly she's sceptical of the condition I've developed :-/ ) and isn't close to either of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 17:26

35965a · 10/02/2025 17:01

If he needs support he can get therapy. I have no patience or respect for people who tell others about their spouse’s medical (or any issues) or relationship problems. For me this would actually be a dealbreaker.

This is it- I felt so very exposed after hearing him telling her those things and can't help feel that the already existent judgement will be magnified now. He is a really good dad and husband in other ways - I just felt this crossed a line and the fact he can't see my perspective is really hurtful.

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 10/02/2025 17:27

Yennefer44 · 10/02/2025 16:56

He is entitled to seek support for himself. However, he is NOT entitled to share your personal /medical information with anyone. Ok, maybe with his therapist if he has one, but that's it.
He's in the wrong, you are right to be fuming.

Not everyone has a bloody therapist! I don't know of anyone who does

Original poster
Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 17:27

Vaxtable · 10/02/2025 17:11

I would tell him that you are now going to tell your family about every single aspect of the personal information you know about, medical, financial, any issues etc and see how he likes it

if he needs to speak to someone he goes to a counsellor

tbh it would make we not want to talk to him about my medical history now, I would relay on my parents who would be given strict instructions not to divulge it to him

Haha I did actually say that to him, but he doesn't have any medical conditions at all so I don't think it resonated!

OP posts:
Thirteenblackcat · 10/02/2025 17:30

35965a · 10/02/2025 17:01

If he needs support he can get therapy. I have no patience or respect for people who tell others about their spouse’s medical (or any issues) or relationship problems. For me this would actually be a dealbreaker.

Exactly @35965a , he can offload to someone who is required to keep it confidential.

@MuddyPawsIndoors he shouldn’t be sharing this with his sister

DwarfPalmetto · 10/02/2025 17:30

YANBU he can tell his sister you are seriously ill and you both are struggling without going into the details of who you are seeing and what medicines you are taking. He can seek support, talk about his own feelings and how his life has been upended without revealing your medical information. It is possible.

MissDoubleU · 10/02/2025 17:31

Cherry346 · 10/02/2025 17:27

Haha I did actually say that to him, but he doesn't have any medical conditions at all so I don't think it resonated!

Show quote history

Tell him you’re going to discuss how long he lasts and how his ongoing bedroom performance affects your personal sexual satisfaction with your own family members. Loudly on the phone in public, while he’s stood there.

That’ll probably wake him up. It’s the closest thing to force him to relate, if he doesn’t have actual medical information to be shared.

Occasionalnamechanger · 10/02/2025 17:33

I think it's difficult- carers need support too. I also get why you feel very vulnerable right now and are not happy but I don't think you splitting up with him or laying down ultimatums like some people are suggesting would really help in the long run.

I think give yourself some space, breathe and see how you feel when you're a bit calmer and maybe try and figure out who you would be comfortable with him speaking to. I have psychiatric issues and I know sometimes DH needs someone to talk to about the boring practical things like my meds or the tedium of sitting in hospital waiting rooms, and sometimes he needs to talk about the stuff I've said and done and how it impacts him. I think that's fair because I don't want him to end up isolated due to my illness.

Mjmum10 · 10/02/2025 18:11

Something similar happy to me, only it wasn't my partner it was his mother 🙄 It made me feel the need to explain myself to people, two years later I feel the same. You are absolutely entitled to your privacy. I would make sure your partner tells his sister she's not to repeat that to anyone, it's private and he shouldn't have shared so much on reflection

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 10/02/2025 18:15

He should have asked you first. I get how in certain families it’s normal to share all this and he might have thought it was fine, but as soon as he realised he had fucked up, he should have apologised and said he’d only share what you agree he can share going forward.