To think I'm entitled to medical privacy?

[Cherry346]

Long story short- I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition shortly after the birth of my children which has all but destroyed my life. I've had various treatments and have been referred for psychiatric help to try and manage the mental side which verged on a breakdown. My husband picked me up from the first appointment and when I met him in the car he was on the phone to someone telling them all about who I was seeing, the reasons why and what medicines I was hoping they'd put me on. Seeing I looked unhappy he eventually ended the call and it turned out he'd been talking to his sister with whom I have, at best, a fractious relationship for various reasons. I was so angry that he'd been telling her private medical information which, to me, is deeply personal (only my husband and parents are aware that I'd been seeking psychiatric help) and I really lost it with him. He said I'm overreacting and that he's entitled to discuss with his family as well. I can't help feeling really betrayed but don't know whether im
overreacting due to current circumstances. AIBU?

Yes, this.

Perhaps her skepticism is why he felt the need to over-share to prove to her you are suffering an awful illness and the mental fallout from it. Not excusing, just a possible explanation that she may have put him on the spot and in defending you he may have felt he had to get very specific. Together you should agree on a way to handle her skepticism and judgement that doesn’t involve his sister putting him or you through an interrogation.

This reply nailed it

He's no right whatsoever to discuss YOUR private medical information with someone else, unless they're a medical professional too

Arsehole

Who do you know who has a therapist?

How about a bit of sympathy for a man, who is holding his wife and family together and who is seeking his own support, or a sounding board? He overstepped the line, but Christ Alive, his wife is on the verge of a breakdown, they have children, I am surprised he isn't having a bloody breakdown himself!

I ask again who is supporting her husband??

Anyone

I have a medical condition that comes with a high rate of people experiencing suicidal ideation. It’s a hard condition to treat and manage and absolutely impacts spouses.

if my husband needed to talk to a trusted family member to help him get through his experience, I wouldn’t want to place restrictions on him. We are both technical people so discussing medications and tests doesn’t feel inherently invasive.

if there has ever been something one or the other of us wants kept private, we told the other person specifically.

for example, I wouldn’t let him tell our families what time my C-section was scheduled for. Most people wouldn’t have any problem with that information going to very close family, but for me it was incredibly privileged information so I said we could tell them the day and that they should not expect any updates until late that night.

I.dont think it's an easy learning curve to learn how to get support without oversharing. But you are also right to put your foot down . Does he have counselling? Could he arrange some

I am sorry you are struggling so much, I hope things get easier. I have a serious condition and I know how tough it is on everyone, but that doesn't mean it isn't also tough for us

That's a good point, thank you.

Thanks for your message and sorry you're having a difficult time :( we actually had a similar situation regarding my c section - I didn't want it to be common knowledge even amongst family but he insisted that it was and sure enough I had the MIL insisting she be the first to visit at hospital / stay at our house etc and it was just too much at the time especially with babies in NICU and feeling pretty gross and vulnerable myself. My husband is lovely but I think sometimes he struggles with empathy and thinks I'm just being unreasonable when I actually have good reasons for setting boundaries 😐

Its' tricky because you are of course entitled to privacy, but it's not unreasonable for people to have support either.

is he actually close to his sister? If they share a lot, it's not right but its' consistent. Otherwise it's just gossips and that's just no.

It's something that's is unacceptable on MN, but in real life, most people share a lot with either a partner, a friend, or a family member.

I see both sides here. I've been in your husbands position and it is hard having no one to talk to.

However, I didn't tell people without asking him first and I respected his wishes.

He's gone about it the wrong way, but don't underestimate the impact on him. Particularly if your condition is potentially life limiting. It can be very hard being the spouse of someone with a serious illness.

Thanks and I get this - he does do a lot for us and I appreciate he's under pressure. We get a lot of help from my parents who live nearer and are very hands on but I don't underestimate the toll this must be taking on him too. Id totally understand him reaching out for support from his family and friends but it was the sharing of the personal information that really hit a nerve with me 🫤

No they're not close at all, I think that's what made it even worse.

I can see both sides. I think it’s important that he also has support and people he can talk to. Don’t think it’s as simple as “he should only talk to his therapist”. Most people don’t have therapists and a lot of people probably couldn’t afford one either.

OP, is this something you could suggest for him if it’s doable financially? He’d presumably be waiting an incredibly long time for any help via the NHS.

In the mean time i’d have a serious discussion with him and make it very clear what you are and are not comfortable with him sharing moving forwards.

Feel free not to answer but, why did you not want family to know you had a c-section? Was it both of your families you wanted to keep it from or just his?

My stars, if DH was so idiotic as to share my very personal medical information with his sister, I don't know what I'd do. I do know it would leave him in absolutely no doubt that this was a very bad idea, and he shouldn't do it again, because it very much worked to his detriment.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else, OP.

I imagine if he was suffering with erectile disfunction, he'd be quite upset if you shared that information with a member of your family he didn't get on with?

I think the worst part is that he felt quite comfortable continuing the conversation while you were right there. I can understand him wanting to discuss it with someone in confidence (not saying he should have, but I can understand how he felt the need). But I can't understand having the nerve to sit next to you while broadcasting your private information down the phone to God knows whom (and, as it turns out, not to someone you have a warm relationship with either).

Yes exactly this! I was so incensed I was gesticulating at him like wth are you saying and to end the call which he did quite promptly. He really didn't think he was doing anything wrong / inappropriate 🥴

c section ended up being brought forward as it was twins and there were a few complications (fortunately nothing too terrible) but we just decided to go ahead and announce once they'd arrived safely. Admittedly we are a lot closer to my family though, partially due to distance and partially due to general interest / involvement . Thanks for your message.

FFS MN really outdoes itself here

He is entitled to talk to his family and get support from them

He was, however, wrong to go into such detail

It's not a problem that he is seeking support. The problem is that in doing so, he is sharing sensitive information about his partner.
Sensitive information should only be shared with a therapist and not family members. He can still get support without sharing the details. For in-depth discussions, he needs to contact a professional.
I know many people who have therapists.

Oh well I was just telling our Patty (long lost half sisters cousin) that you've really been struggling with the erection these last few years, I mean the Dr's have been trying hard, we are hoping for the little blue pills, but they have said that the little blue pulls may negatively impact your dicky ticker, so it's whether we want the dicky ticker or the ticky dicker!

It ok, it's only Patty, why don't you want Patty knowing about the brewers droop? I mean it happens to every man doesn't it, when they get to that age, it's not embarrassing!

YANBU. Similar with mine - I had an intimate appointment which was urgent - potentially a big issue but I asked DP to keep it quiet, not to discuss it with anyone, and I’d see what results were before I discussed with anyone.

I then dropped off to sleep and woke up hearing him on phone to a family member he sees about twice a year trying to gather sympathy for himself as ‘oh it’s so awful, Rave might be dying of a really aggressive cancer’. FFS. I was fuming, not least because that wasn’t an accurate picture and he was clearly attention seeking.

I completely understand you - it’s a huge breach of confidence.

Me personally, I’m waiting for the next embarrassing illness my DP has and I’m tempted to share it on Facebook.

@Lanzarotelady

How about a bit of sympathy for a man, who is holding his wife and family together and who is seeking his own support, or a sounding board? He overstepped the line, but Christ Alive, his wife is on the verge of a breakdown, they have* children, I am surprised he isn't having a bloody breakdown himself!*

I ask again who is supporting her husband??
Then he speaks of HIS problem without disclosing personal information about the OP. And if the person he talks to keeps prying then they are not the right person to be talking to as they are mire concerned about their curiosity being satisfied than the well being of the DH.

Yes they are both struggling but the OP is struggling MORE. She is at the centre of the circle of trauma. He is the next ring out. Nothing he does to deal with his stress should further impact the stress on the OP.
This is basic psychology and basic good manners and common decency

You must socialise and work in very different circles to me then.