To hate my colour

[Losingmymind432]

Not sure what making this thread is going to do, but sometimes it's just good to write things down even if no one does read it!
I am mixed race, my dad is black my mum is white, my dad left when I was young and all the rest of my family that I have been brought up around are all white. My entire life all I can ever remember is wanting to be white, and nearly 40 years on this hasn't changed. I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin but I have a deep rooted resentment with it and I don't know why, i even envy family, friends, strangers etc for having the skin colour i want. I have very hard to manage 4c thick hair and have spent my entire life relaxing and straightening it as I hate the attention it gets (everyone want to know if it's an afro, how curly it is, what it looks like out etc) and after 5 years of trying to embrace it naturally I hate it even more because I just want to have straight/easier managed hair and I blame my dad for the genes I've been given.
I know this sounds pathetic but I am genuinely gutted that I've only got 1 life and I'll never get to be white (I know I'm laughing at myself for even writing that all!)

Does anyone have any advice or maybe links to a website so I can get some self help with being completely irrationally crazy over such a non issue that has ruined most of my life 😫

I think finding a really good counsellor and unpicking it would be a good idea. 40 years of feelings need more than a website.

Do you think it might be a complicated mess of abandonment, feeling like the 'other', racism and other things?

https://www.thephoenixnews.com/posts/is-black-hair-actually-hard-to-take-care-of

I think your issue might be with your father not your hair.

Also, I'm white and have awful hair....

I’m sorry that’s how you feel . Personally I think mixed race skin is utterly divine …. A beautiful gift! I also adore how natural hair is …. Would you not explore your father’s birth country and get to know the culture ? The sense of belonging despite your dad’s absence? You have a beautiful unique bloodline on both sides…. Could you try and embrace it rather than feeling the same way you currently do?
explore your ancestry and your other culture ?
I think all skin colour is beautiful no Matter what but I have serious skin envy when I’m with my mixed race friends!! . We all want something different. I hated my freckles as a child but I’ve grown to accept them. Own your roots on both sides…. You’re lucky!

Do you have any black/mixed race friends?
My BFF sounds similar to you, we were raised in a VERY white town and she struggled with self identity. She moved to London in her early 20s and found herself in a more diverse friendship group and really started coming into her own and feeling better about herself

You are 100% right, a counsellor is definitely what I need, i just feel that there are so many people out there with real issues and i should just be able to get over it because its so insignificant compared to that.

Don't think like that lovely. Firstly, counsellors work with all sorts of thoughts and feelings. If it adversely affects you, it's important. Secondly, you are important. Therefore your feelings are. Just because someone else would process them differently, doesn't make anyone wrong or right.

Abandonment and feeling alone in a situation is serious 'enough'. Someone once explained it to me like this; for most of our evolution, being excluded or pushed out meant death, that's why your brain feels it so keenly. It's a fear of death, which is as serious and important as it gets.

All the very best.

I bet your skin is a beautiful colour. I say this as a pasty white person, natural blonde hair and a predisposition for skin cancer..I also think your issue is with your dad leaving. I am very relieved that you have not experienced any racism. I actually have weirdly by a black work colleague.

Thank you, that's such a lovely post. Visiting his country wouldn't be possible right now due to kids, money etc but definitely something to consider in the future. Perhaps if i did feel more of a connection to his/my roots then i would feel differently.

My 2 children are complete opposite one is very pale skinned and the other similar to me, you can guess what they'd rather have. I absolutely ensure i do not discuss my feelings around them but my darker curly haired child always wants to straighten their hair to be like her best friend who is white and my other child has mentioned before they wish they had darker skin like me, we always want what we don't have!

as a white mum of two mixed race daughters I would be so sad if they felt like this about their appearance. It’s difficult as I can’t truly understand it because I am not black or mixed race myself, but my heart goes out to you because of your feeling of not truly belonging anywhere. As others have suggested, it may more be linked with your feelings about your dad, and counselling may help, but just sending you a big hug in the meantime xx

We all seem to want what we can't have when it comes to appearance, don't we?

As a white woman, I've been raised to believe that a 'golden tan' makes me look healthier and more attractive, when given what sun exposure can do, the opposite is true.

Then you have white people turning their skin bright orange with fake tan, or risking skin cancer by using sunbeds.

And don't even start me on those who describe us as 'pale and pasty' 😡

It wasn't until I got to my late 40s that I learned not to give a fuck. I'm 55 and I truly don't anymore.

I hope you get there soon, it's such a relief!

I agree with PP - this sounds like a father (rather than appearance) issue that you need to resolve. I’d suggest counseling because beyond you, it sounds like despite your efforts you’ve managed to pass on some of these identity issues to one of your DC. I can’t say I relate as I’m black and love my heritage, history and hair. All the mixed race people I know embrace both sides but then they were all raised in majority black or diverse environments, and their parents proactively reinforced how special and important both sides of their heritage were. Perhaps make an effort to connect with other mixed race women to help you process and unpack some of these complex feelings. All the best x

Do you think you would feel different if you embraced your heritage ?
Get you dna looked into via Ancestry and it will give you an insight of where that heritage lies . You can then research it and I'm sure you will find out stuff you find fascinating.
I am white , but have found out lots about ancestors I knew nothing about , including people of importance / historical interest .
It's become a hobby of mine .

I had a friend who is mixed race too throughout school and then our lives moved differently in our twenties and since then all my friends have actually been white. And not for any reason, i do have quite a small circle of friends though. I do think if i had some friends who understood my hair issues for example i could have a rant with them and feel so much better about it.
My closest friend has the most lovely long, blonde, wavy hair and she will quickly wash it and leave it and come on a night out and when her hair dries it looks amazing like she's spent all night styling it. I have such envy that I've spent 2 hours washing, combing and conditioning my hair just so i can scrape it up into the most sophisticated looking bun that i can with a tonne of hairspray and clips (because i hate having it out) 😅

You need a therapist not a counsellor.
Counsellor is for problems here and now ( think marriage counsellor) Therapist is for dealing with the past and how you can help yourself to help your future .
Other than that l can't offer much help.
Some of us want different hair.. smaller nose.. wider eyes.. bigger or smaller boob's.. to be taller or shorter...slimmed or fatter.
I'd like to be able bodied and have my vagina and bowels back.. to have working legs ... therapy has helped me come to terms with myself.
Good luck.
X

No advice OP except what has already been said, however I am sorry that you feel this way. It must feel like it’s hanging over you all the time. I hope you get the help you need to change how you feel and enjoy this one life that you have fully accepting who you truly are.

Reframing what you just said….then an ‘insignificant’ issue has had a hold on you for over 40 years.

And you deserve for it not to have a hold on you for another 40. So therapy would be a great idea.

(and for what it’s worth…its NOT insignificant to feel how you do. There will always be people around us with issues that seem worse than our own. But you are all that matters in this conversation)

Internalised racism can be all consuming. I think the advice regarding counselling is the best option. Being able to discuss your feelings in a safe environment will help you to untangle some of these thoughts and come to a place of self acceptance.

Do you have opportunities to connect with other people of colour? Sometimes it really helps to share your perspectives and you may feel a real sense of belonging amongst people who share a similar heritage to you. X

Your post is not only condescending, but it's completely glossing over the race issues at hand and makes it all about you.

Stop trying to make out the white experience is in any way comparable and that you have it hard, because at best you're naive. Educate yourself about your privilege.

i get it.

My hair is so difficult, it actually makes me sad.
Sounds ridiculous unless you experience it!

I follow mixedracefaces on Insta, there are some very interesting posts on there from people of various ethnicities discussing how they feel about their make-up.

I think the issue is you’ve never been around black people. Proud black people.

I would look into community events you can attend.

Also for your kids it’s important they are around other black people.

The default you grew up with was white. Society applauds white standards of beauty.

I think there is a racial bias you will need to unpack.

Sorry you feel this way, my dad is black and my mother is white and I feel the opposite. I identify much more with my black culture and dont feel remotely white. However, I am much closer to my black family.

Your dad isn't in your life but what about your wider family? Grandparents, cousins etc. Assume you are an only child? You literally cannot change who you are so time to embrace the other side of you that's been neglected.

I can't help but feel sad for what you're going through. As a black woman I cherish and love my skin. My friends are predominantly white and my Afro hair is a nightmare to look after but I love it because it's me/ mine and have never even considered wanting to be a different colour, so I'm afraid I can't offer real insight, just a virtual hug. I agree with other posters about having therapy and considering whether this has to do with your father and abandonment and not having the opportunity to learn about your heritage from someone who loves you. When I was young, I watched an old movie called Imitation of Life, which reminds me in some small ways of what you're going through. It was about a mixed race girl who could mostly pass as white, she hated the black part of her heritage and rejected her mother as a result. It was a sad movie all round. I wish you all the very best xx

your experiance as a "pasty white person " can never be the same as racism experianced by a person of color and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous and insulting