To hate my colour

[Losingmymind432]

Not sure what making this thread is going to do, but sometimes it's just good to write things down even if no one does read it!
I am mixed race, my dad is black my mum is white, my dad left when I was young and all the rest of my family that I have been brought up around are all white. My entire life all I can ever remember is wanting to be white, and nearly 40 years on this hasn't changed. I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin but I have a deep rooted resentment with it and I don't know why, i even envy family, friends, strangers etc for having the skin colour i want. I have very hard to manage 4c thick hair and have spent my entire life relaxing and straightening it as I hate the attention it gets (everyone want to know if it's an afro, how curly it is, what it looks like out etc) and after 5 years of trying to embrace it naturally I hate it even more because I just want to have straight/easier managed hair and I blame my dad for the genes I've been given.
I know this sounds pathetic but I am genuinely gutted that I've only got 1 life and I'll never get to be white (I know I'm laughing at myself for even writing that all!)

Does anyone have any advice or maybe links to a website so I can get some self help with being completely irrationally crazy over such a non issue that has ruined most of my life 😫

You are right, despite the fact i don't let them hear me say negative things about my skin colour or hair they probably pick up on how much I struggle with my hair etc and i don't want them to ever feel the way I do.
I look at both my kids and i see their beauty but i just can't see it in myself.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I agree with the others this will be deeper and to do with family.

For the record I have very pale skin (had over 10 minor skin cancers already, I’m under 50 and not a sun worshipper). I know this isn’t the reason you hate your skin really, but mixed race is the most beautiful colour. I hide my awful white legs that go corn beef when cold. Not to mention thin straight hair 😜. I hope you learn to love yourself x

Huh? What are you on about? To quote the OP: 'I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin'

But it does annoy me when white people mock their own skin with all the 'pale and pasty'. What's wrong with pale? I'm pale. I was born this way. I don't feel the need for a tan, fake or otherwise, I'm happy to be pale.

Anyway.

Sorry you feel this way, OP. It's sad and I hope a good therapist can help you untangle all this, to accept yourself and to find peace. All the best to you and yours

If you think you're so educated, why couldn't you read the opening post properly?

"I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin"

And if the OP (who comes across as perfectly able to speak for herself) only wanted to hear from black or mixed race Mumsnetters, I'm quite sure she wouldn't have chosen to post here in AIBU.

So keep your beak out of my exchange with the OP.

Thanks.

What could be a more serious issue than not feeling comfortable/accepting of your own skin? You absolutely deserve and should find some quality counselling, and I’d recommend getting it from another mixed race counsellor/therapist (have a look at the BAATN website).

I’m mixed race (and adopted, relinquished by a white mother who had an affair with a black man as she thought I would stick out too much in her white community). Trust me, I understand hating your own skin/hair/being different to your whole family. I used to take down the net curtains and tie them around my head as a kid pretending I had long straight hair.

I’m still the only non-white person in my immediate family, having gone on to marry a white man and have white children. I’m more comfortable in my skin now after lots (and I mean LOTS) of therapeutic support. Still hurts when my kids identify as white though!

It definitely isn’t insignificant. I’d recommend a counsellor who is culturally sensitive and has experience in dealing with this sort of thing. I know an excellent one - PM me if you’d like their details.

And have a look into internalised racism - just because nobody around you is racist, you will still be picking up on wider society’s preferential treatment of white people.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

FWIW I think it is human nature to think what you are used to seeing is beautiful.

I grew up in a Jewish enviroment, and I secretly think most blondes look a bit washed out, probably simply because most Jewish people have dark hair so that is what I am used to. and I have blonde siblings! so it doesn't have to make sense. Of course there are beautiful blondes. (and brunettes, and mixed race people, and redheads...)

I absolutely agree seeing a counsellor is an excellent idea. Your feelings are extremely valid.

I think it’s important to not specify any skin as being the most beautiful Especially when skin colour for any mixed race person is unique.

I’m Scandinavian and my entire life I’ve been jealous of those who are mixed race. Best of everything.

I'm mixed race, sounds like a really similar upbringing to yours as well. Brought up in Scotland, didn't meet a black person till I was in my teens. Have experienced racism throughout my life, in the form of name-calling from kids and adults. Remember a cousin's friend refusing to let me in her house because I looked different, her mum seemed so embarrassed. I'm really sorry you hate your skin. I struggled with being different when I was younger but have embraced my colour and fro as I got in my 20's. I also have a few mixed race friends that get how hard it is to neither be black or white, and I really think it helps to meet similar people who get it. I also echo counselling, maybe even with a therapist who identifies as mixed race might be helpful. I'm curious if you have kids, as I'd be worried about passing on your issues on this to them.

I am sorry op that you feel this way

we really need to stop with the fetishisation of mixed race people making comments like mixed race is so beautiful or children are the cutest etc we are all beautiful and all children are cute

I hated as a child being told i was so cute because I had such dark eyes or that i was exotic (when a bit older which always sounded sexual) and always having it pointed out I looked so different from my white English family (mixed white english and south Asian)

it may not bother people being told this but really you shouldn't assume this especially towards children

I really think you need some professional help...there's a huge amount of issues at play here op....your upbringing, your father, your whole identity.

Best of luck

I'm mixed race. I think it's sad that you feel the way you do but, it's not unusual. A study carried out in South Africa found that black people there had all sorts of mental health issues from feeling "less than" due to apartheid. I know other studies have looked at this and colonialism has negatively impacted people's self-esteem and self worth. When I heard all of this, it was like a lightbulb went off. I grew up in a white working class town and have experienced a lot of racism. I liken it at times to having a really obvious disability, where people judge you immediately. For example, I'm the last person who would steal however, I know that I'm keenly watched in a shop!

My eldest son is a quarter black and yet he seems embarrassed of this since he started secondary school and experienced racism.
I've lived in London and had a pretty diverse group of friends. I remember attending the Afro-Caribbean society with my other mixed-race friend and somebody shouted out "what are those 2 white girls doing here?" 😂 Being mixed race can sometimes feel like you don't fit in anywhere. I can't think of the word for it but there is one!

Truly though, please get therapy. I suspect your relationship with your dad is also playing into it but you only get one life and you need to find contentment and acceptance. I think that you're really brave to be this honest.

Yep.

Especially since light skinned black people are considered more attractive than dark skinned black people.

Yes I think the message to my non mixed cousins was very much isn't she pretty with her fair skin I was literally treated like a doll. I was uncomfortable with this as a little girl but couldn't understand why and its horrible to think others got a far more negative message

It may have seemed positive towards me (being the 70/80's there was a load of sexy comments made too🤢 ) but the message is overall negative

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Negative or positive it’s still rooted in racism. 💐

You may not be able to visit your fathers ancestral land if it is far off.
But there are emigre communities in most large cities of UK.
Could you explore those maybe go to cultural events and restaurants and begin to make a link that way.
As to the hair I have no experience but perhaps trying to tame it into straight European hair is a mistake.
Have you tried taking advice from a good African hairdresser who could suggest a simple natural style.
I wish you all the best.

Um, excuse me, how do you know that my experience of racism as a white person is not the same as a black person and I am insulting. The poster said that she hadn't experienced racism,I got some lovely personal messages on this post. You have no idea what was said and done to me, how I was spoken to and treated,it actually made me physically ill, I ended up with IBS, because of the bullying.

Because of the power dynamic.

If a man said he experienced the same sexism as a woman would you believe him?

Society prioritizes men and white people.

It’s not the same.

That doesn’t make what happened to you ok.

It’s just not the same.

I'm sorry OP, it must be hard to feel so conflicted internally.
Whilst it's not the same I can relate around feelings of nationality as I am of one nationality, brought up in another country and now live in yet another country. I do not feel as if I belong to any of them and none of them feels as if they count me as their own eg if I go back to my old country of birth everyone thinks I'm not from there.
So I think this sense of not feeling like you belong, not feeling that sense of identity coupled with then the disappearing father will have a profound effect on you. Coupled with lack of other friends who maybe looked and felt the same as you. This is quite isolating for you and so I think it's perfectly valid for you to get some therapy to help work through your feelings. It's never too late to go to therapy and you may find it helpful to explore whether there was more unconscious bias then you may have realised growing up.

This person was my manager (NHS ward based) he had the power over me. I had recently had a horrible divorce ex H tried to kill me,made homeless,young kids. I couldn't afford to leave or loose this job. I suffered 15 years of bullying from him. I went higher and higher with my complaints. Lastly,at management level,was reprimanded by ward manager for going over their head....in the open nurses station,in view and hearing of staff and patients.. I cannot put things he actually did and said,,it wasn't just me, but I unfortunately worked 5 nights a week with him. Details would be identified. No one on here, would be likely to believe some of the things he did (or failed to do) he threatened a colleague with people from his own country (think mafia type) many suspensions,he layered up, and screamed the race card. This was not the black person who screamed abuse at me about what I had done to his country. I did eventually manage to change jobs, I was normally the only white female and we all got on fabulously..

This. Lots of mixed race /black people in adverts/ on the TV now, but that wasn't the case in our formative years, was it? Other than in music, where black/ mixed race women were often fetishised as exotic or fierce (why was the only Spice Girl of colour - with natural hair to boot- the "scary" one? 🤔)

Oh Lord, here we go… 😫

Oh shut up! People like you actually make it worse and cause more division. People are trying to comfort and relate to OP in any way they can, and make her feel more accepted.

Black and mixed race people (I am mixed race by the way!) are not some special breed of people that have to be treated with kid’s gloves, we are ALL human beings despite our skin colour and can find solace and empathy in similar experiences even if they are different and come from different places.

It’s not unusual that OP will have felt out of place and not accepted when she has been the only one who looks like her and abandoned by her Dad. Anyone who is different will feel that way. Do you think a white child growing up in Africa will not have those issues? An Asian child growing up in a black dominated area? Any human being wants to fit in and find people who look like them, that’s NORMAL.

OP, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I am also mixed race but my Mum is black and Dad white. I feel comfortable with my appearance but I have experienced feeling out of place before. Culturally I feel at home with white people but it’s hard to stand out and feel different. White people have not been racist or cruel to me, very accepting and kind but it’s still hard when you don’t feel you fit in. I feel connected to my black side too, partly in culture and obviously I have black and white features (my hair is more on the white side). But culturally I haven’t always fitted in and have been bullied and treated cruelly. Personally I feel most at home with other mixed race people and people who have a naturally mixed ethnicity (eg Latino, North African etc).

You may feel comfort in therapy and finding friends of different backgrounds to relate to :) but please never fall into a victim mindset because people like to push that on us sometimes and make us believe that the world is horrible, racist and that white people hate us when most people just want to accept and love other people regardless of colour. That mindset can be very damaging and then you start to second guess everything.