Ghosted friend and now she's seeking contact. WTD?

[curious79]

About 3 years ago a long term friend's son (c 12) behaved highly inappropriately with my then same age DD, freaking her out. He didn't touch her but did pretend to 'lick out' her Teddy, kept asking her if she watched p0rn, said he was turned on by her and that his dlck was hard. All was witnessed by DD's friend who was also there. Both girls were horrified and left the room. Afterwards I contacted friend to say you need to know this happened - the other girl's parent also wanted to know the issue was escalated otherwise she was going to take matters into her own hands. Don't make a big deal out of it, but the behaviour needs to be discussed and nipped in the bud. She immediately made a big deal out of it - literally within seconds of being told (this was obvious from time of me speaking to her, then her getting back to me) - and he then of course denied it and her son 'never lies' (please note she knew he had issues with being engaged in online p0rn well prior to that).

I left her with the information but she clearly avoided me afterwards. Eventually we met up last year and she asked me why my DD was not punished, so I said why would I punish her for experiencing what she did? Friend goes on to say, having forgotten DD's friend was in the room and also witnessed everything, that DD had been humping him. After that I kept calm but in my head thought 'sod it, my DD comes first and this friendship is dead to me'.

Except she is now contacting me saying 'why are you avoiding me?'.

Do I:

YABU - You should reiterate what happened and why you feel a relationship isn't remotely tenable, not least of all because she victim blames

YANBU - Continue to ghost her - for your DD's sake and she's clearly not very good at reading the room anyway

[note, being a friend is definitely not an option]

Being back in contact is not an option. Funnily enough she is blocked on most social media, not just the way via which she has contacted me

Send her the link to this AIBU and let her draw her own conclusion...

In the light of what you've now learnt (about her response and failure to take this incident seriously) I'd be seriously considering reporting something to the safeguarding lead at her son's school. A 12 year old child exhibiting this kind of sexualised behaviour has picked it up from somewhere (either in-person CSA or watching inappropriate content), suggesting his parents have failed to safeguard him from these things.

He is very likely to behave like this again, with other people, even if he never sees your daughter or her friend again. If his mother refuses to believe that her precious child is capable of acting like this, she's not going to be challenging his behaviour or dealing with it appropriately. Perhaps it would be better for someone at his school to discuss his attitude towards sex/ consent/ relationships etc with him before he harms another young/ vulnerable person.

Tell her why. And that you don't want any further contact with her.

The main thing is she knows why. So she learns to take these things her son does more seriously.

Yes absolutely. And the escalation at the time was what her mother and I agreed upon.

Report to children's social care. Lots of issues here a professional needs to investigate

What on earth is happening for children to be becoming so sexualised at such a young age?

At 12 years old, I'd have had no idea what porn even was, never mind how to watch it.

Report to school as this is a safeguarding issue.
The poster above makes good points on why this should happen.

“My daughter did no such thing as you well know
and there was a reliable witness in the room
this victim shaming is a very concerning development

she has had only had one experience like this and no others before or since

I am reporting your son to ss and his school as I have safeguarding concern

I accept this makes our friendship untenable

This is our today. It is literally at their finger tips. According to the children's commissioner 27% of UK kids have seen p0rn by the age of 11. The average age is 13. According to the BBFC more than half (51%) of 11 to 13 year olds reported that they had seen pornography at some point, rising to 66% of 14-15 year olds. Then 50% of ALL UK men visited Pornhub in 2020.

I'm not going to be raising it with his school 3 years on, who by now will be dealing with dlck pics galore. Or to social services who are overwhelmed. Or the police, who are also overwhelmed. He said inappropriate things at age 12. The other mother (a teacher BTW) and I felt that this was best handled by the boy's parents, given our daughters were disgusted at the time but able to handle it by removing themselves and were happy with our support and degree/nature of action, including going no contact.

But I will reiterate and then fully block

Thank you everyone

'According to the children's commissioner 27% of UK kids have seen p0rn by the age of 11.'

Sadly I'd be amazed if it was that low. Now they all have smartphones our children's innocence is taken away as soon as they start secondary, if not before. And we are forced to talk to our young children about porn before they even properly comprehend what a sexual relationship is.

OMG I feel so sick with what I've read in your OP @curious79 . How is your daughter now?

I would be going nuclear to be honest with the mother and definitely considering speaking to the NSPCC for advice as he's potentially a sex predator in the future.

You reiterate again, point out the witness, that this is down to her son who behaved inappropriately and no way are you doing to discipline your child for what happens, and you want her to be able to come and talk to you and know you have her back

Then Imwould say that as she can’t accept this it’s time to draw a line under the friendship and your daughter comes first

Yep, definitely reiterate and tell her in no uncertain terms not to contact you again. I’m annoyed on your behalf.

Option one - block her on everything.

Option two - 'I don't want anything to do with you after you did not take it seriously when your porn addicted son behaved inappropriately in a disgusting sexual manner towards my daughter and her friend. Do not contact me again.
Then block on everything.

reiterate and tell her you no longer want to talk with her , her son needs help and you will call the police if she doesn’t back off.

This is how 30 year old men think abuse of women is acceptable. Because their mothers tolerated and excused the huge red flags they exhibited as children/teenagers.