Ghosted friend and now she's seeking contact. WTD?

[curious79]

About 3 years ago a long term friend's son (c 12) behaved highly inappropriately with my then same age DD, freaking her out. He didn't touch her but did pretend to 'lick out' her Teddy, kept asking her if she watched p0rn, said he was turned on by her and that his dlck was hard. All was witnessed by DD's friend who was also there. Both girls were horrified and left the room. Afterwards I contacted friend to say you need to know this happened - the other girl's parent also wanted to know the issue was escalated otherwise she was going to take matters into her own hands. Don't make a big deal out of it, but the behaviour needs to be discussed and nipped in the bud. She immediately made a big deal out of it - literally within seconds of being told (this was obvious from time of me speaking to her, then her getting back to me) - and he then of course denied it and her son 'never lies' (please note she knew he had issues with being engaged in online p0rn well prior to that).

I left her with the information but she clearly avoided me afterwards. Eventually we met up last year and she asked me why my DD was not punished, so I said why would I punish her for experiencing what she did? Friend goes on to say, having forgotten DD's friend was in the room and also witnessed everything, that DD had been humping him. After that I kept calm but in my head thought 'sod it, my DD comes first and this friendship is dead to me'.

Except she is now contacting me saying 'why are you avoiding me?'.

Do I:

YABU - You should reiterate what happened and why you feel a relationship isn't remotely tenable, not least of all because she victim blames

YANBU - Continue to ghost her - for your DD's sake and she's clearly not very good at reading the room anyway

[note, being a friend is definitely not an option]

Both 12 when it happened.

This is the perfect response. He will very quickly become very dangerous if she ignores this.

@curious79

Still far too young to be this knowledgeable or explicit

This.

"I do not intend to rekindle our friendship. You know perfectly well why, after your behaviour following my report to you about your son" Then I'd block.

Reiterate the (massive) safeguarding issues and concern and make it clear the friendship is over. But tbh I would be worried about the son, this is not normal 12 year old behaviour and i would be worried about what has happened in his life to initiate this behaviour. Given they have clearly not taken it seriously I would actually be inclined to report it, to his school at the very least. This kid needs intervention for everyone's sake, including his own.

I'd reiterate, strongly and with a reminder that the whole thing was witnessed by another child whose story 100% backs up DDs version of events, and then tell her you feel her reaction to it has been woeful and you no longer want anything to do with her.

I'd also remind her that she told you about the prior porn issues and tell her to get him some help.

Don't let her flip the script, OP. Your DD did absolutely nothing wrong.

I think you should respond briefly,

"I think it's clear we don't see things in the same way. Your son behaved in a sexually inappropriate and frightening way towards my daughter, in front of one of her friends, and yet you have made it clear that you think she was somehow to blame. You may choose to believe your son's version of events, but I am very happy and confident to support my daughter and I think it's best that we don't attempt to rebuild any more meaningful friendship. I hope things work out for you and that your son is doing better."

So he's already learned DARVO. She was the one who started it Mum!
I'm sure you can theorise who he picked up that from.

As others have said, state facts, block.

I would say as we are unable to agree on the version of events lets take it to the police to investigate with all 3 families and the children involved to resolve.

I think as adults we run the risk of always seeing our children as very young and innocent, because they are, compared to us. But 12 is high school age and definitely old enough to know this sort of stuff. (I'm not saying the boy's behaviour was in any way acceptable.) The influence of porn probably wasn't as visible when I was a teen, but I was regularly harassed on the way to/from school by kids that age who made similar offensive remarks and suggestions.

OP, I don't know how you've managed to be restrained enough not to say anything yet. I would have to say something like you don't want to be friends with someone who blames victims, feels victims should be punished for telling the truth and fails to discipline her child for sexual harassment.

Reiterate then block

'Why do you think I'm avoiding you? Now fuck off.'

I am safeguarding my daughter. I am shocked at your unwillingness to accept and address your son’s problematic and disturbing behaviour. You are doing him no favours to allow his to act this way, and potentially putting many young girls at risk of his behaviour.

Don’t contact me again. And if I hear you son has been in contact with my daughter I will escalate to the relevant authorities

I’d block her. His behaviour is absolutely vile and worrying for a 12 year old. Stick with your daughter and don’t have anything to do with her or him.

@Onlyvisiting is right. This boy's behaviour is very concerning.

The friendship with the mother is not salvageable; she will insist you accept her record of events. Our son had a similar problem with a boy and the parents went in for DARVO all the way.

I'd have to reiterate to stop her spinning her son's lies about my child. Then I'd block.

I would have taken this further than just letting his mum know what happened.

Have a read of this:

The boy has committed sexual harrassment and is criminally liable from the age of 10.

The mother is also liable if she can be proven to have spread lies of a sexual nature about your daughter.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-harassment/

I would definitely, definitely be telling this woman precisely why you won't ever be speaking to her again, and pointing out that there was a witness to his behaviour at the time.

@Asswholes Glad to see someone post that.

He was 12. Why weren't the police called?

If you were to get back in contact , how do you think this would make your daughter feel ?
Personally , I'd block her on social media ( surprised you didn't when it happened ) and carry on as you have.

Reiterate what happened. Remind her that your DD's friend was there as a witness and that her parents are also aware what happened. Also remind her that they are lucky a police report wasn't made at the time and that it is very concerning behaviour from her DS and that you hope she is dealing with the porn issue.
I wouldn't respond to any further messages after that.

By being a witness to this behaviour the DD friend is also deemed a victim of sexual harrasment.

A similar thing happened to my daughter when she was 9. Friends son was 15. We should have gone to the police but friend begged us ‘not to ruin his life’. In retrospect, I think our daughter could not understand why we were not more proactive. Although she tries to hide it she is still somewhat traumatised over 30 years later. Stay in your child’s corner. Tell this person you are blocking and leave them in no doubt why.